:eek::eek::eek:
good thing i'm old enough to remember huey lewis telling everyone it's hip to be square
that's my half full lemonade glass again, precocious ;)
Geeks used to be 'uncool' too, now Bill Gates laughs all the way to the bank! :)

**Clubby, you know I think you're hip and an eternal optimist (lent is ending soon, can you tell?);)**

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh...if I go down three inches...I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him. "

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly...and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it...that bear will grab the fish and I will shoot the bear."

You would think that this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was more....A wee mouse by the hunters foot was thinking,"Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly...and that bear grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in the scene and thought,"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly...and that bear grabs for that fish..and that hunter shoots that bear..and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich...then I can have mouse for lunch.

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water and....... The fish swallows the fly... The bear eats the fish... The hunter shoots the bear... The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...The cat jumps for the mouse... The mouse ducks... The cat falls into the water and drowns...



The moral of this story is obvious... ;)



Whenever a fly goes down three inches. Some pussy is in danger!!!

Never argue with a woman....

A couple went on a vacation to a mountain lake area.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors and begins to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman
and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies. (thinking, isn't that obvious?)

"You're in a restricted fishing area", he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up. "

"If you do that, I"ll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.

"But I have not even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment."

"Have a nice day, ma'am," and he left.

MORAL of this STORY:

Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think . ;)

. Happy Easter...

We all know I'm a Hillary fan :rolleyes:

Q & A with an honest OB/GYN:


Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Blonde Rider
Sally was a girl with no horseback riding experience,
yet one day she decided to take her chances. As she
climbed on the big Palomino, it took off at a gallop.
Sally was sliding off. She tried to grab the mane but
she couldn't seem to get a grip. So in a great rush
she threw herself from the thundering horse, but her
foot got caught in the stirrup. She was at the mercy
of the pounding hooves, near unconsciousness, when...
The Wal-Mart manager came out to turn the ride off. :)

This is soo bad but I couldnt resist.



A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"

12) The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget... this particular Sunday sermon... "Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice that many others could hear, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of "pretend" bills with not enough money.

In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.

Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment. He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care (weekend, evening, on a holiday or right when they're about to leave for vacation).

He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

There is only one TV between them, and a remote with dead batteries.

Each father will be required to know all of the words to every stupid song that comes on TV and the name of each and every character on cartoons.

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they will apply to themselves either while driving or making three lunches.

Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.

Each man must adorn himself with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep their nails polished and eyebrows groomed. The men must try to get through each day without snot, spit-up or barf on their clothing.

During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties. They must try to explain what a tampon is for when the 6-yr old boy finds it in the purse.

They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

He will need to read a book and then pray with the children each night without falling asleep, and then feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair each morning by 7:00. They must leave the home with no food on their face or clothes.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name. Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor, each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.

They must clean up after their sick children at 2:00 a.m. and then spend the remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting on them hand and foot until they are better.

They must have a loving, age appropriate reply to, "You're not the boss of me".

The kids vote them off the island based on performance.

The last man wins only if...he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years...eventually earning the right to be called Mother! :)

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.. (Please Read Reply)

______________________________


REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under "Warnings-Alimony-Child Support". I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear"5.0 to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.


BEST OF LUCK,
TECH SUPPORT

Hope this hasn't been posted before...

Sven and Ole walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yah sure! Ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1,000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says, "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."

Moments later, Knute arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis," Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and blasts the parrot. Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken. Larson grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more, Ole shakes his head and laments, "First der was Sven with his budgie jumping, den Knute parrotshooting and now Larson hengliding

Apples and Wine

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of
falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the
ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something
is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait
for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all
the way to the top of the tree.


Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to
women to stomp the sh** out of them until they turn into something
acceptable to have dinner with.

If you feel the need to stomp the **** out of a man to make him "acceptable", then he never will be. DUH! Either you love ther person youre with because of who they are or youre an idiot who thinks you can mold people into who you want them to be before youre capable of loving them. By the gods, I feel sorry for the husband of anyone who actually believes this drivel. Who knows what kind of training and discipline he had to endure for her. Theres not a woman in the world woth changing who I am for. Only one person will tell me how to live my life, and thats me. I almost never take offense to anything, least of all jokes- expecially ones about men (whats that useless piece of skin attached to the peins?... The man!) But you know what, clubchick, this is a load of crap.

And why is it okay for women to mane man jokes, but when I tell a woman joke the ladies get all up in arms? Its as bad as negros and crackers.

Ahhh, I feel better now.

Apples and Wine

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of
falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the
ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something
is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait
for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all
the way to the top of the tree.


Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to
women to stomp the sh** out of them until they turn into something
acceptable to have dinner with.
:claps: ;) :claps:

Well, prec.. I guess now youre in my doghouse, huh?

If you feel the need to stomp the **** out of a man to make him "acceptable", then he never will be. DUH! Either you love ther person youre with because of who they are or youre an idiot who thinks you can mold people into who you want them to be before youre capable of loving them. By the gods, I feel sorry for the husband of anyone who actually believes this drivel. Who knows what kind of training and discipline he had to endure for her. Theres not a woman in the world woth changing who I am for. Only one person will tell me how to live my life, and thats me. I almost never take offense to anything, least of all jokes- expecially ones about men (whats that useless piece of skin attached to the peins?... The man!) But you know what, clubchick, this is a load of crap.

Ahhh, I feel better now.
Now, now Squid.......table manners need to be taught. They are not engraved in us at birth.....;)
Pick up any apples from the floor lately Squid???
You've just been climbing the wrong tree.....:rolleyes:

If you feel the need to stomp the **** out of a man to make him "acceptable", then he never will be. DUH! Either you love ther person youre with because of who they are or youre an idiot who thinks you can mold people into who you want them to be before youre capable of loving them. By the gods, I feel sorry for the husband of anyone who actually believes this drivel. Who knows what kind of training and discipline he had to endure for her. Theres not a woman in the world woth changing who I am for. Only one person will tell me how to live my life, and thats me. I almost never take offense to anything, least of all jokes- expecially ones about men (whats that useless piece of skin attached to the peins?... The man!) But you know what, clubchick, this is a load of crap.

And why is it okay for women to mane man jokes, but when I tell a woman joke the ladies get all up in arms? Its as bad as negros and crackers.

Ahhh, I feel better now.
wow.. didn't mean to upset you- i don't mind jokes about women or blondes or jews or pollocks-- (i happen to be all of those), just as long as it's not suggesting serious violence against someone. stomping a man into "submission" isn't supposed to be taken literally. if it truly offends you, i will remove it- i'm honestly not trying to upset anyone... i thought it was funny is all.

Now, now Squid.......table manners need to be taught. They are not engraved in us at birth.....;)

Pick up any apples from the floor lately Squid???
You've just been climbing the wrong tree.....:rolleyes:

I know theyre not inate. But its no ones responsibility but his. If he's not wha you want keep looking. Man are not fixer-upers. I can think of LOTS of ways women could be improved. But if shes not the one Im looking for Im not going to waste my time trying to train her. I'll just look until I find someone I dont need to train.

But as for your apple statements, what the hell does "climbing the wrong tree" even mean? And no, I havent picked ANY apples in over two years. None of them is shiny enough.

wow.. didn't mean to upset you- i don't mind jokes about women or blondes or jews or pollocks-- (i happen to be all of those), just as long as it's not suggesting serious violence against someone. stomping a man into "submission" isn't supposed to be taken literally. if it truly offends you, i will remove it- i'm honestly not trying to upset anyone... i thought it was funny is all.

Remove it, leave it, do what you want; I dont care. I wont be reading this thread anymore so it realy doesnt matter. Well, I'll read until I find out what the hell point prec was trying to make.

I wont be reading this thread anymore so it realy doesnt matter. Well, I'll read until I find out what the hell point prec was trying to make.

Squid, Squid you're getting all twisted. Everybody changes...change is good. As for changing the other person, well I don't think you ever really change the other person (or should). But I do think we all could use a bit of 'enhancing' every now and then.
Squid, let's say you found the almost perfect girl. She knew all your needs, was pretty, sweet but she had this habit of burpin' and fartin' and scratching her groin in public.....other than that, she's the 'love of your life', she's 'perfect'. Would you not try to 'modify' those things? Would you not want her to behave a bit more appropriately in public? What would your mother say when she met her?
Modifying or enhancing the person you love (or could potentially love) shows you care. You want them to be the best person that they can and deserve to be. Don't you want the best for the one you care for (and for them to be proud of themselves)? Don't you want and try to look or improve the way you look or act to make yourself nice for the 'other' one? That's changing.
Granted some people dictate and it gets out of hand and try to 'rebuild' them from their core...that's wrong and it can't be done. Can't teach a pig to sing, you'll only frustrate yourself and p off the pig!
Squid, you can't tell me that you wouldn't introduce fine cooking and eating to your girl and develop her 'taste' for good food.....that's change..
I got hubby to get rid of the 'pork chop' side burns years ago.....now he laughs and shakes his head when he sees old pictures.....some change is necessary.:)
As for not finding the right apple tree to climb, it'll come. You'll know it when it happens and you'll want to be a better person for her and she'll want to be better for you. When you expect the best, you usually get it. ;)

I got hubby to get rid of the 'pork chop' side burns years ago.....now he laughs and shakes his head when he sees old pictures.....

Now he has a porn star mustache LOL

http://www.spoofee.com/forums/showpost.php?p=139647&postcount=54

Squid, Squid you're getting all twisted. Everybody changes...change is good. As for changing the other person, well I don't think you ever really change the other person (or should). But I do think we all could use a bit of 'enhancing' every now and then.
Squid, let's say you found the almost perfect girl. She knew all your needs, was pretty, sweet but she had this habit of burpin' and fartin' and scratching her groin in public.....other than that, she's the 'love of your life', she's 'perfect'. Would you not try to 'modify' those things? Would you not want her to behave a bit more appropriately in public? What would your mother say when she met her?
Modifying or enhancing the person you love (or could potentially love) shows you care. You want them to be the best person that they can and deserve to be. Don't you want the best for the one you care for (and for them to be proud of themselves)? Don't you want and try to look or improve the way you look or act to make yourself nice for the 'other' one? That's changing.
Granted some people dictate and it gets out of hand and try to 'rebuild' them from their core...that's wrong and it can't be done. Can't teach a pig to sing, you'll only frustrate yourself and p off the pig!
Squid, you can't tell me that you wouldn't introduce fine cooking and eating to your girl and develop her 'taste' for good food.....that's change..
I got hubby to get rid of the 'pork chop' side burns years ago.....now he laughs and shakes his head when he sees old pictures.....some change is necessary.:)
As for not finding the right apple tree to climb, it'll come. You'll know it when it happens and you'll want to be a better person for her and she'll want to be better for you. When you expect the best, you usually get it. ;)
Some joke thread this turned out to be........
Sorry preco but this is a load of crap, its just your opinion, and thats all
getting your hubby to shave his sideburns is not "changing" its moulding him into something YOU want him to be...and you love someone in spite of their little "faults", cause there supposed to love you for yours too...(I'm sure you could look deep down and find a couple)..you guys know i dont say much on this site, but i felt i had to side with Squid on this one..and i usually dont but i keep my keyboard mouth shut. Seems like the only women who have had bad experiences with men like the kind of jokes that really tick us nice guys off..try not to make us suffer for all YOUR bad choices...ok I'll shut up again
while you rip me a new one..... :eek:

You know, (Im back with my ex from santa fe) my gf does fart and burp (very well, at at hat). We're lke 12 year olds. We laugh and tease each otherabout our farts and belches. The difference is, we say excuse me. Theres nothing wrong with burping and farting in public, you just have to excuse yourself. I dont try to hange her. Thats part of who she is and I love her in spite of the fouple of idiosyncracies that irk me. I might tell her something bothers me, but I dont go molding her into some prim and proper lady. Shes as close to perfect as Ive ever found. Prec, this is the one I climbed the tree for 5 years ago.

Thanksfor the backup daredevil.

:confused: Sorry, but I have to agree with the guys on this one. I would probably take offense if this joke was twisted around towards women and stomping the **** out of them. Besides you have to accept a person the way they are, faults and all and if they're not "aceptable" move on.

On a lighter note Happy Easter everyone! :D

Exacly my point. If you have turn them into what you want them to be, theyre nto for you.

Thanks Sharon.

ps: Hey, where did your post go, Sharon?

Well.... I posted it and then I decided to delete it because I didnt really want to get in on the debate. I love everyone on here! But since it showed up I am glad because that's how I feel.

I would like to clarify that I know its just a joke. I can take the jokes. If I couldnt I wouldnt dish it out. My problem lies in the fact that this is really the way MANY MANY women treat men- like a project, or like a fixer-upper.

Ladies do you really think you were always the perfect partner? Was he? Did you not have to make compromises to make the relationship work? Did he? I fail to see the difference.

Just to clarify.

Finis

I would like to clarify that I know its just a joke. I can take the jokes. If I couldnt I wouldnt dish it out. My problem lies in the fact that this is really the way MANY MANY women treat men- like a project, or like a fixer-upper.

Ladies do you really think you were always the perfect partner? Was he? Did you not have to make compromises to make the relationship work? Did he? I fail to see the difference.

Just to clarify.

Finis

Squid, your real name is Finis?

















Just trying to change the subject and lighten up the mood in this thread. :o ;)

Now that I see the disclaimer it worked. At first I was like, no, dumbass, finis means...."

Thanks, M8

You know, (Im back with my ex from santa fe) my gf does fart and burp (very well, at at hat). We're lke 12 year olds. We laugh and tease each otherabout our farts and belches. The difference is, we say excuse me. Theres nothing wrong with burping and farting in public, you just have to excuse yourself. I dont try to hange her. Thats part of who she is and I love her in spite of the fouple of idiosyncracies that irk me. I might tell her something bothers me, but I dont go molding her into some prim and proper lady. Shes as close to perfect as Ive ever found. Prec, this is the one I climbed the tree for 5 years ago.

Thanksfor the backup daredevil.

Squid, if you feel that this is the girl for you, go for it. Apparently tho, from your prior thread, there was a relationship that you felt you compromised/or was asked to compromise yourself more than you we're will to. You felt you were being 'moulded'. There is a difference between 'enhancing' your mate and moulding them.
Squid, you know how I feel, I wouldn't bs you. You're a great guy, you deserve a great girl.



Some joke thread this turned out to be........
Sorry preco but this is a load of crap, its just your opinion, and thats all
getting your hubby to shave his sideburns is not "changing" its moulding him into something YOU want him to be...and you love someone in spite of their little "faults", cause there supposed to love you for yours too...(I'm sure you could look deep down and find a couple)..you guys know i dont say much on this site, but i felt i had to side with Squid on this one..and i usually dont but i keep my keyboard mouth shut. Seems like the only women who have had bad experiences with men like the kind of jokes that really tick us nice guys off..try not to make us suffer for all YOUR bad choices...ok I'll shut up again
while you rip me a new one.....

It apppears there's a sore spot for you here too. Apparently you consider yourself one of the 'nice guys' and I'm making you suffer because of MY bad choices. :rolleyes: There's plenty of anti-women, degrading, sexist humor to go around. If you were to laugh at anyone of them, should I then consider you a demoralizing, sexist, whatever pig? No.

Just because a joke can be 'entertaining' to some, does not mean it applies to you or them or is 'God's truth'. Usually jokes are an over exaggeration and are of a ridiculous stereo-typical nature. It's a true gift when you can laugh at yourself (and others).

As for hubby and his sideburns, I wouldn't have divorced him if he kept them. And yes, I too have been 'moulded' and don't resent it because I know it came from his heart to help Me be better and not just a 'dictation' from him or from a 'selfish' reason on his part. It was 'requested'/suggested of me for my benefit. Every relationship has compromises, if you feel you have to compromise too much, then it's not the relationship for you.

Hillbilly Joke

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze

1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner.."

2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them
new fangled warshin' machines!"

1st Hillbilly: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly: "Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes
put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "Well what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker.

Now thats an answer i can be satified with, and look, i still have my Butt :claps: ....Now. about this being nice to DEhawk thing... :eek: :eek: :eek:

Now thats an answer i can be satified with, and look, i still have my Butt :claps: ....Now. about this being nice to DEhawk thing... :eek: :eek: :eek:
And what a sweet little butt it is! :angel:

Hillbilly Joke

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze

1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner.."

2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them
new fangled warshin' machines!"

1st Hillbilly: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly: "Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes
put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "Well what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker.

I guess this was posted pre-conversion.

I guess this was posted pre-conversion.

Notice the title of the post...."Disclaimer: not meant to offend any of our spoofee hilbillies" I think this was the first post of the conversion. I have the feeling that this thread has something to do with the conversion....just a hunch.

Hi Wade, no in fact it was not my first post since Lent but it is nice to have you on the forum. BTW, that is a lovely striped shirt you are wearing.:angel:

Notice the title of the post...."Disclaimer: not meant to offend any of our spoofee hilbillies" I think this was the first post of the conversion. I have the feeling that this thread has something to do with the conversion....just a hunch.

I guess she didn't mind offending the non-Spoofee hillbillies. :confused:

Hi Wade, no in fact it was not my first post since Lent but it is nice to have you on the forum. BTW, that is a lovely striped shirt you are wearing.:angel:

Psssst..... preco :secret: the avatars are not live webcams. Otherwise your legs would look more like choo's old leg avatar. :secret: :eek: ;)

BTW your shoes look horrendous.

{If that doesn't bring out the old preco, almost nothing will}

Bd, you have such a great sense of humor! ROFLM*O:angel:

$10.00 test

This is why you should know your limits when drinking tequila.
An Oklahoma man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"
Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "OK," the bartender says. Here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink that entire quart of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third. - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached the big O. You've gotta make things right for her."
The Oklahoman is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a quart of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..."
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
As time goes on and the Oklahoman has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Where's the tequila?" He grabs the quart with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. He has tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a horribly noisy scuffle going on outside.
They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then, total silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
"Now," says the Oklahoman, "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

Have a great day everybody! :angel:

That joke is older than you, preco. If that's possible. ;)

A beautiful and well endowed young blonde goes
to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet.
As she looks about the store, she notices a box
full of frogs. The sign says:

"Sex Frogs! Only $20 each!
Money Back Guarantee!
(Comes with complete instructions)."

The girl excitedly looks around to see if
anybody's watching her and whispers softly to
the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
The man packaged the frog and said, "Just
follow the instructions carefully."

The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on
her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment,
the girl takes out the instructions and reads
them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to
do:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down on the
bed.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and,
to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is
totally frustrated and quite upset at this point.
She rereads the instructions and notices at the
bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any
problems or questions, please call the pet store."
So, the lady calls the pet store.

The man says, "I had some complaints earlier
today. I'll be right over."

Within five minutes, the man is ringing her
doorbell. The lady welcomes him in and says,
"See, I've done everything according to the
instructions and the damn thing just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the
frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly
says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you
how to do this one more time!":angel:

Here's where Dehawk opens a pet shop.....:o

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a
full length mirror taking a long look at herself. "You know, dear,"she says, "I
look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my chest
sags down to my waist, and my rear end is sticking out a mile. I've got fat
legs, and my arms are all flabby."
She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel
better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft,
thoughtful voice, "Well . . . . . there's nothing wrong with your eyesight :34:

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was
Manufactured in England.

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled
for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York.

The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss.

Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning,
which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as..............























Sinko de Mayo. ;)

You know you're not a kid anymore when...
-You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
-You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
-You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
-You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
-You make an appointment to see the dentist.
-You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
-Neighbors borrow your tools.
-People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
-You have dreams about prunes.
-You answer a question with "because I said so!"
-You send money to PBS.
-The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
-You take a metal detector to the beach.
-You wear black socks with sandals.
-You know what the word "equity" means.
-You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch TV.
-Your ears are hairier than your head.
-You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
-You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
-You got cable for the weather channel.
-You go bowling without drinking.
-You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it."

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study out about women and how
they feel about their asses! I thought the results were pretty interesting:
85% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...
The other 5% say that they don't care, they
love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?




"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez,
the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

"Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'" She saw a sea of blank
faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the
people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the
earth?"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro,
who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The
teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor,
someone said, "Oh ****, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally someone throws an eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck"!

Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?"

Pedro: "Dick Cheney 2006!"

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."
We heard this at a fireman convention. The guy had the whole place rolling! :spoofee:

http://www.lifeisajoke.com/Pictures/toiletpaper.jpg

WHEN WE GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH............

1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.


2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.

3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S ASS AND
HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.

4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A
HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO

5.WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.

6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY'S BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"

7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US.

8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.

9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.

10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE
KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?)

11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT.

12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT
WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.

it is ALWAYS my shoes' fault, Not the raspberry stoli!

http://www.lifeisajoke.com/Pictures/toiletpaper.jpg

Ummmmm.....this is a family oriented forum, what were you thinking?! :eek: :angel: :zip:

WHEN WE GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH............

1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.


2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.

3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S ASS AND
HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.

4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A
HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO

5.WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.

6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY'S BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"

7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US.

8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.

9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.

10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE
KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?)

11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT.

12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT
WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.
uhhhhhhhhhhh.... :o

uhhhhhhhhhhh.... :o
That's okay Clubby....give it a few more hours......:rolleyes: *geesh*

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.
Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the
Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with
flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man
who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show
business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not
considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked
schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old
man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and
Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his
elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

In the poor zoo of South Africa, a lion was so much frustrated as he was offered not more than 1 lb meat a day. All of a sudden, it happens that MJ visits the zoo and requests the management of the zoo to shift this Lion to the USA Zoo. Lion was so happy and started thinking of acentral A/c environment, a goat or two in a day, then a USA residence permit also.

The first day, he was shifted, he was offered a big bag, sealed very Nicely for breakfast. The lion opened it quickly but was shocked to see that it contained few peanuts. Then he thought that may be they cared too much for him as they were Worried about his stomach as he had recently shifted from South Africa. The next day the same thing happened. On exactly, the fourth day, the lion stopped the person delivering the peanuts and asked him, "You know I am the Lion...the king of the Jungle, what's wrong with your staff, what is this nonsense, why are you delivering peanuts for me, I am getting weaker & weaker."
The Delivery man very gently replied,"Sir, I know you are the King of the Jungle and nobody can deny this but the problem is "You are on a Monkey's visa."

Nine Months Later...

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who
answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's
terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself,
but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors
will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And
if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and
settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an
attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally
determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he
had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you remember
that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski
holiday up North about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to
the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry,buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything." LOL
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?) ;)

A tour bus driver is taking a group of seniors down a highway when he is

tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offered him a handful of

peanuts which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five times.

When she was about to hand him another batch again,

he asked the little old lady; "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?"

"We can't chew them because we've got no teeth," she replied.



The puzzled driver asked; "Why do you buy them then?"



The old lady replied; "We just love the chocolate around them.":eek:

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spend $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself.
She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's." :eek: :tongue: :claps:

Always consider the consequences.....:angel:
http://www.lifeisajoke.com/videos22.htm

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?



A: 2, but don't ask me how they got in there.

Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.:p

wat do u call a mexacens and a red necks baby Hick-spanic LOL

WHY YELLING AT A MAN DOESN'T WORK


What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes
to wear if we don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON
blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW :o

What's the difference between beernuts and deernuts?
Beernuts are $1.35 and deernuts are under a buck. ;)

Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done,
when in walked a young chick with a very low-cut blouse that revealed a
beautiful rose tattooed on one boob. :rose:

One woman leaned over to the other and said, "Poor thing. She
doesn't know it, but in 50 years she'll have a long-stemmed rose in a
hanging basket.
:p

The 10 things men know (for sure) about women!!! (Be certain to read
all of them!)

1.


2.


3.


4.


5.


6.


7.


8.


9.


10. They got Boobs!......

*****

Finally, the guys side of the story. I must admit, it's pretty good. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy
is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments
become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!!

*****

TECHNOLOGY FER COUNTRY FOLKS

LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter

LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove

DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck

MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin'the farwood

FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carrytoo much farwood

RAM: That thing what splits the farwood

HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time

PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the wintertime

WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside

SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season

BYTE: What them dang flies do

CHIP: Munchies fer the TV

MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag

MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields

DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife

LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps

KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys

SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives

MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn

MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole

MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof

ENTER: Yankie talk fer "c'mon in, y'all"

RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle

*****

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher
Paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Religious school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she’s dead.”

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old
grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her Grandfather had
died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were
making love on Sunday Morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother
that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking
for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago,
realizing our advanced age, we figured it out! The best time to do it
was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right
rhythm. Nice and slow and even...Nothing too strenuous, simply in on
the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and
continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along.";)

Dr. Phil
Dr. Phil was conducting a therapy session with four young mothers
and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother he said, "You are so obsessed with eating
you've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom: "Your obsession is with money. Again,
it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third mom: "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too,
manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up takes her little boy by
the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving.";)

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler Beagle"?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3 I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box, although they are tasty.

4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

5. The sofa is not a 'face towel'. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

8. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.

9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".

11. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.

12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.

13. I will not throw up in the car.

14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.

16. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

And, finally, My last two questions . .

Dear God: Why do humans only have 10 Commandments and dogs have 16?

P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?;)

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You will notice the benefits of Tequila® almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila®.

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Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

I like this one!

A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him
around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and
said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so
much like my late son." He asnwered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the
store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had
brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his
groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk. "How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.." The clerk replied,
"Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things, too."

Do not trust all little Old Ladies

Daredeveil! I resemble....resent that remark!!! :eek:

Got you back!!;)...and looks like You have a spelling problem too!
"Daredeveil"???

This is very funny (for women anyways) I think everyone will get a laugh. Everyone needs something to put a smile on their at least once a day!!
Heather



>Subject: FW: Man's wish!!
>
>
>
>Man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
>Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife
>merely stays at home.
>I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."
>God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
>He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids,
>Set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches,
>
>Drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it
>to the cleaners
>And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping,
>Then drove home to put away the groceries,
>Paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.
>He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
>Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
>Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their
>homework,
>Then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
>
>At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back." The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."
>Voted Women's Favourite Email of the Year!!! LOL LOL

my step father told me this last night

why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?


because if it have 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan:confused: :eek:

ok i am going to bed now since i have been reading all of these very funny jokes since 11:30 pm and now its 1:43am thank you so much for all the laughs you are all very funny!!!! i almost wet myself a few times!!! j/k!!!
:claps: :claps: :claps: :claps: LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL (:30: what my eyes are feeling after reading all of these) good night to all!!!

Got you back!!;)...and looks like You have a spelling problem too!
"Daredeveil"???
Well you know the fingers are getting nimble, the eyesight is going and the Alzheimer's doesn't help for the spell check. But I have gutters and shoes ;)

PMS in the Bible
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could
think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and
that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said,
"Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere
and he would look for it.
The following week after the service, the preacher called the
woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode
Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem.":p

Divorce Barbie

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

one day a father leaves work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson,
"How much is the Barbie in the display window?"

the salesperson answers, "Which one? We have:
Work out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for $265.95"

The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The salesperson answers,
"Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car,
Ken's House,
Ken's Boat,
Ken's Furniture,
Ken's Computer and...
One of Ken's Friends."

Two gay guys are on a date and evrything goes well. Romantic candles, red wine, the whole shabang. As the mood sets in, they are trying to decide who is going to give and who's going to recieve during the sex that night. They can't seem to agree because both want to give....So, then one guy comes up with an idea. "Let's play hide and seek. You'll hide and I'll be searching for you. If I find you, you'll be on the receiving end tonight", he suggested. The other one replies in a hurry, "Sure thing!", then winks and whispers, "just so you know, I'll be hiding behind the piano" LOL

Some men never learn!!!

A husband found himself in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.



His wife angrily told him, "Tomorrow there better be something for me in the driveway



that goes from zero to 160 in five seconds or less."

The next morning, the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and



found a brand new bathroom scale.



Visiting hours for the husband at the hospital are limited due to the extent of the injuries...

LOL LOL

Why we split up.



She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.



Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up. And I asked how
come I had to give up stuff and not her.



She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.



I told her that was what the beer was for.



I don't think she's coming back :(

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

"Why God made moms" answers given by elementary
school age children to
the
following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape
is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He
just used bigger
parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and
everything nice in
the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then
they mostly use
string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other
Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other
people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that
other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess
would be pretty
bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married
him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook?
Does he get drunk
on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to
drugs and YES to
chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And
my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking
cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because
dad's such a goof
ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the
stuff under the
bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more
to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to
work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring
them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the
real power 'cause
that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at
your friend's.
Moms
have magic, they make you feel better without
medicine.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I
think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what
would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room
clean. I'd get rid
of
that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was
my sister who did
it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible
eyes on her back.

Romantic Joe
Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather
stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for
an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following
their leads.
He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker
towards his wife's cup and said, "Sugar, sugar?"
Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining
room. Another table over, Joe observed the following. A man spooned
out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, honey?"
Again Joe thought this was good stuff. Finally, he cut off a piece of
his meat, stared longingly into his young wife's eyes and said.............








































"Ham, piggy?" :eek: :34: :zip:

that's great prec very funny!!!:)

On a beautiful Summer's day, a father and his eight-year-old son were lying on the grass by the river bank, looking up at the sky and watching the wisps of cloud float gently overhead.

After a few minutes of silence, the boy turned to the father and said:
"Dad, why are we here?"

"That's a good question, son. I think we're here to enjoy days such as this, to experience nature in all its glory, the vastness of the sky, the beauty of the trees, the song of the birds, the rippling flow of the water. We're here to help make the world a better place, to pass on our wisdom to future generations who will hopefully profit from our achievements and learn from our mistakes.

We're here to savour the small triumphs of life - passing your school exams, the birth of a new member of the family, promotion at work, a win for the home team. And we're here to comfort those dearest to us in times of distress, to provide kindness and compassion, support and strength, to let them know that, no matter how bad a situation may seem, they are not alone.

Does that answer your question, son?"

"Not really, Dad."

"No?"

"No, what I meant was, why are we here when Mom said to pick her up over an hour ago?"

Drinking on the job!
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane
mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were
stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. You know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel
and get a buzz. You want to try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch
and get completely smashed.
The next morning, Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he
feels. In fact, he feels GREAT! No hangover! NO bad side effects, nothing!
Then the phone rings... it's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Bud says,
"No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover -nothing." "We ought to do
this more often." "Yeah, well, there's just one thing...."
"What's that?" "Have you farted yet?" "No....."
"Well, DON'T - 'cause I'm in Phoenix!!!":28:

The first line is what was said, the second line is the following thought!:eek:

Romantic Lines


I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, violets are dead, sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Oh loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell":eek:

LOL Preco, I love your warped sense of humor!

There was this executive for a big company and he has been cheating on his wife with his secretary. One day around lunchtime passion overcomes him and the secretary and they take of to her place and make the most intense and passionate love he has ever experienced. In fact it made them so tired they fell asleep. When he awoke he noticed that he was late and started rushing to put his clothes back on, he woke up his secretary and told her to take his shoes outside and start rubbing them in the grass. Although she thought it was strange she did it without asking any questions. When he finally got home is wife was waiting for him and she was very angry. She said "Where have you Been!" The man said "Honey, I can't lie to you, I have been cheating on you with my secretary and I fell asleep after making passionate love to her and thats why I am late." She looked down at his shoes and you could see the anger flare up in her eyes, and she said "Don't lie to me! YOU'VE BEEN PLAYING GOLF!!!!!!:mad: :mad: "

Punishment or Pleasure
One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically
in the kitchen."What's wrong dearest?" asked the confused husband."
Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I
found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very
erotic magazine! What ever are we going to do?""Well," replied
the man, "I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station rest room because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut blister or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five -day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly us! ually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers revealing the
tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been the size of a
peanut.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and then fell
laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet
and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor "I really am.....I don't know what came over
me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen
again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

Fred replied "It's swollen....."

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers revealing the
tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been the size of a
peanut.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and then fell
laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet
and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor "I really am.....I don't know what came over
me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen
again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

Fred replied "It's swollen....."

It was nice of you to replace hawky's name with "Fred", Sharon, although it wasn't nice for you to cut and paste from hawky's bio. ;) ;) ;)

LOL I was trying to save him the embarrassment. Poor Dehawk!

Little Jimmy was playing in the living room with his electric train set that he got for Christmas while his mother was in the kitchen doing the dishes.
His mother heard the train stop and heard him say,"All of you idiots that want to disembark, get off the damn train. Any of you bastards wanting to board, get on the damn train cause we are fixin' to take off."
His mother immediately dropped what she was doing, ran into the living room, yanked Little Johnny up and said, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go up to your room and don't come out for at least two hours."
Little Johnny went to his room and returned in two hours. He started playing with his train set again. His mother heard the train stop and Little Johnny said, "I would like to thank those of you traveling with us today and don't forget your personal items as you leave the train. Those of you boarding the train, please store any of your carry ons in the overhead bins or store them under your seat and we will be leaving shortly."
His mother was just as proud as she could be. Then Little Johnny says, "And for those of you that are pissed off about the two hour delay, see the ***** in the kitchen."

A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.

This is a major breakthrough, women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.LOL LOL

He didn't like the casserole

And he didn't like my cake.

He said my biscuits were too hard...

Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right

He didn't like the stew,

I didn't mend his socks

The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer

I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked the **** out of him...


Just Like his MOMMA used to do.;)

He didn't like the casserole

And he didn't like my cake.

He said my biscuits were too hard...

Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right

He didn't like the stew,

I didn't mend his socks

The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer

I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked the **** out of him...


Just Like his MOMMA used to do.;)

Very nice Daredevil! :claps:

Very nice Daredevil! :claps:

That was just for you!:rolleyes:

Stung on the course
Little Johnny and his girlfriend were playing golf together
when his girlfriend was badly stung by a bee. Little Johnny
quickly ran back to the clubhouse, looking for a doctor.
"Come quick!" he said. "my girlfriend's been stung by a bee."

"Where was she stung?" asked the doctor. "Between the first
and second holes," shouted Little Johnny.

"Wow," replied the doctor, "she must have a very wide stance!"
:eek:

Red neck doorbell

Trees in the road
A cop pulled over a car for swerving all over the road. The blonde at the wheel
looked very confused and scared. "What's going on here, ma'am?"
"Well, I was driving along when all of a sudden there was a tree right in my path.
I swerved to miss it, but there was another tree. And after that, another, and another."
The cop looked inside her car and sighed. "Ma'am. That's your air freshener.":o

666 Biblical Number of the Beast
660 Approximate Number of the Beast
DCLXVI Roman Numeral of the Beast
665 Number of the Beast's Older Brother
667 Number of the Beast's Younger Sister
668 Number of the Beast's Neighbor
999 Number of the Australian Beast
333 Number of the Semi-Beast
66 Number of the Downsized Beast
6, uh..., I forget Number of the Blond Beast
666.0000 Number of the High Precision Beast
665.9997856 Number of the Beast on a Pentium
0.666 Number of the Millibeast
X / 666 Beast Common Denominator
0.00150150... Reciprocal of the Beast
-666 Opposite of the Beast
666i Imaginary Number of the Beast
6.66 x 102 Scientific Notation of the Beast
25.8069758... Square Root of the Beast
443556 Square of the Beast
1010011010 Binary Number of the Beast
1232 Octal of the Beast
29A Hexidecimal of the Beast
2.8235 Log of the Beast
6.5913 Ln of the Beast
1.738 x 10289 Anti-Log of the Beast
00666 Zip Code of the Beast
666@hell.org E-mail Address of the Beast
www.666.com Website of the Beast
1-666-666-6666 Phone & FAX Number of the Beast
1-888-666-6666 Toll Free Number of the Beast

1-900-666-6666 Live Beasts, available now!
One-on-one pacts!
Only $6.66 per minute! [Must be over 18!]

666-66-6666 Social Security Number of the Beast
Form 10666 Special IRS Tax Forms for the Beast
66.6% Tax Rate of the Beast

6.66% 6-Year CD Interest Rate at First Beast Bank of Hell
($666 minimum deposit, $666 early withdrawal fee)

$666/hr Billing Rate of the Beast's Lawyer
$665.95 Retail Price of the Beast
$710.36 Price of the Beast plus 6.66% Sales Tax
$769.95 Price of the Beast with accessories and replacement soul
$656.66 Wal-Mart Price of the Beast (next week $646.66!)
$55.50 Monthly Payments for Beast, in 12 easy installments
Phillips 666 Gasoline Used by the Beast (regular $6.66/gal)
Route 666 Highway of the Beast (where he gets his kicks!)
666 mph Speed Limit on the Beast's Highway
6-6-6 Fertilizer of the Beast
666 lb cap Weight Limit of the Beast
666 Minutes Weekly News Show about the Beast (airs daily from Midnight to 11:06 a.m., on Cable Channel 666, of course)
666o F Oven Temperature for Cooking "Roast Beast"
666k Retirement Plan of the Beast
666 mg Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
Lotus 6-6-6 Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66 Word Processor of the Beast
Windows 666 Bill Gates' Personal Beast Operating System
#666666 Font Color of the Beast (the gray in this table!)
i66686 CPU of the Beast
666-I BMW of the Beast
IAM 666 License Plate Number of the Beast
Formula 666 All Purpose Cleaner of the Beast
WD-666 Spray Lubricant of the Beast
DSM-666 (rev) Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
66.6 MHz FM Radio Station of the Beast
666 KHz AM Radio Station of the Beast
66 for 6 A Beastly Score for an Innings (in cricket)
6 for 66 Bowling Figures of the Beast
6/6/6 Birthday of the Beast (but in which century?)

a little overload, there, spaz, but funny nonetheless ... my brain is swimming

President Clinton was walking along with a beautiful dog.

A gentleman came up to the President and said, "What a lovely dog!"



The President responded, "Thank you very much. I got it for Hilary."



To which the gentleman said, "Nice trade.":05:

a little overload, there, spaz, but funny nonetheless ... my brain is swimming
a little water on the brain never hurt anyone :eek:

a little water on the brain never hurt anyone :eek:

yah but a lotta water did. like me. with all those beastly numbers there.

A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned: It will not work again for another year." The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne.

After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123;" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for?"

How do you know if a man has a high sperm count??
You have to chew before you swallow. :tongue:

How do you know if a man has a high sperm count??
You have to chew before you swallow. :tongue:

That is just gross... :eek:

Is it kinda like chewing gum? LOL

That is just gross... :eek:

Is it kinda like chewing gum? LOL

Now that's gross....I love gum...now that's what I'm going to think of everytime I go to chew a piece.

now that's what I'm going to think of everytime I go to chew a piece.

Of gum right? :confused:

Of gum right? :confused:

Of course silly.

Of gum right? :confused:
Good one, Chooch!:bigok:

Good one, Chooch!:bigok:

Don't side w/ him...he's gross...lol

Say it with flowers
A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and pass a
flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying
flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me
flowers again for no reason."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal,
don't you like getting flowers?"
The brunette says, "Oh sure, but he always has expectations after
getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next
three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
:rolleyes:

Say it with flowers
A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and pass a
flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying
flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me
flowers again for no reason."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal,
don't you like getting flowers?"
The brunette says, "Oh sure, but he always has expectations after
getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next
three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
:rolleyes:
LOL LOL LOL

Don't side w/ him...he's gross...lol

You started it, Butty. :eek:

You started it, Butty. :eek:

Yeah you're right...guess I saw that coming ;)

Yeah you're right...guess I saw that coming ;)
No comment....I'll let Chooch handle that one....;)

one day a wife asks her husband to change a light bulb he said I ain’t no electrian. Later that day she asks him to fix a squeaky door and he said I ain’t no carpenter. That evening she was trying to go the store but the car needed oil so she asked her husband to put some oil in the car and he said I ain’t no mechanic and went to work. After he left a man came by and asked her what was the matter? after she told him he said well i can fix all of that but you have to do something for me, you can have sex with me or bake me a pie. So after he left her husband came home and noticed everthing was fixed he asked his wife how everything got fixed? She said I ain't no Betty Crocker

I ain't no Betty Crocker
:claps: amen, sister! :claps:

Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The
10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a
ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Homer says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well I bet he won't."

Homer place $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde place her money on the bar, the guy did a swan
dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very
upset and handed her $20 to Homer, saying, "Fair is fair. Here's your money"

Homer replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Homer took the money..............

HA HA! that was a good one anyone else know any more blonde jokes? I can laugh because my hair is auburn

HA HA! that was a good one anyone else know any more blonde jokes? I can laugh because my hair is auburn

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?" "Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"
"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces." "Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is." "It's a big rooster," she said. The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the Corn Flakes back in the box."

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blond. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blond shouts, "fire!!"

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important
guests.
The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.
At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for
the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with
the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the
bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he
was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside
the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to
himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to
me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up,
and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking
and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night
together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed,
"Oh no!!My wife's dinner party!!!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and
ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He
ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he
got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were
snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry
wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then
back at the snails and said,
"Come on guys, we're almost there!"

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

How do you drown a blond?.......place a mirror at the bottom of a pool

What do you call a blond between two brunetts?.........A wind tunnel

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

The Trainee
A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day
of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, "Get me a
coffee quickly!" The voice from the other side responded, "You fool,
you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking
to, dummy?"
"No," replied the trainee. "It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are
talking to, you fool?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone. LOL

I've heard that one before preco:(

Big Daddy, dehawk and preco were walking down a dirt road when they came across a dead horse in a ditch. The horse had been dead for a few days so it was decaying and very smelly. They decided to make a bet to see who could sit in the ditch the longest before the smell made them jump out. Preco went first and after about 5 seconds she jumped out and said "yuck it stinks it stinks", next BD went in and after about 10 seconds he jumped out and said "yuck it stinks it stinks", finally dehawk went in and after about 15 seconds the horse jumped out and said "yuck it stinks it stinks"!!!LOL LOL

I've heard that one before preco:(

Big Daddy, dehawk and preco were walking down a dirt road when they came across a dead horse in a ditch. The horse had been dead for a few days so it was decaying and very smelly. They decided to make a bet to see who could sit in the ditch the longest before the smell made them jump out. Preco went first and after about 5 seconds she jumped out and said "yuck it stinks it stinks", next BD went in and after about 10 seconds he jumped out and said "yuck it stinks it stinks", finally dehawk went in and after about 15 seconds the horse jumped out and said "yuck it stinks it stinks"!!!LOL LOL
:claps: :claps:

Someone e-mailed this to me. I thought it was cute!LOL




http://i6.tinypic.com/14m5jte.jpg[/IMG]

no joke...just got this email.....aparently someone photocopied the calendar and had 'fun' with photoshop.....

Nude Firefighters

The all nude firefighter calendar for 2006 comes in an all-male and an all-female version. All pictures show full frontal nudity, for both female and males.

Just click on the menu to select which one you want to view. They are available for sale on the site -- the calendars, not the officers. Click on the site below to view all 12 (24) totally nude firefighters.

2006 Calendar

http://www.richstevens.com/NAKED.swf :rolleyes:

no joke...just got this email.....aparently someone photocopied the calendar and had 'fun' with photoshop.....

Nude Firefighters

The all nude firefighter calendar for 2006 comes in an all-male and an all-female version. All pictures show full frontal nudity, for both female and males.

Just click on the menu to select which one you want to view. They are available for sale on the site -- the calendars, not the officers. Click on the site below to view all 12 (24) totally nude firefighters.

2006 Calendar

http://www.richstevens.com/NAKED.swf :rolleyes:



if i recall correctly, the internet IS for porn :p

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

How do you expect me to get hard when I just got laid an hour ago!!:tongue:

Men Are Just Happier People--

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have the freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier. :rolleyes:

Men Are Just Happier People--

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have the freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier. :rolleyes:

http://www.spoofee.com/forums/showpost.php?p=158545&postcount=346 :rolleyes:

http://www.spoofee.com/forums/showpost.php?p=158545&postcount=346 :rolleyes:

:eek: :rolleyes:

We both know preco is a little slow these days. Especially since we shortened one leg on her walker. ;)

Thanks for having my back, clubby! :bigok: {notice I didn't say Randy this time}

:hmm: Maybe I should post this in the embarrassing moments thread too! :o :hmm: I knew it sounded familiar....:confused:

:hmm: Maybe I should post this in the embarrassing moments thread too! :o :hmm: I knew it sounded familiar....:confused:

Did you commit it to memory and post it or cut and paste it from my "funny" post. :tongue:

Did you commit it to memory and post it or cut and paste it from my "funny" post. :tongue:
No I got it through email....it's a small world you know.....

Milk Bath
A blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
The milkman thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked
on the door to clarify the point.
"I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean
15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"
"I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk
and take a milk bath."
"Pasteurized?"
"No, just up to my breasts." :p

Milk Bath
A blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
The milkman thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked
on the door to clarify the point.
"I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean
15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"
"I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk
and take a milk bath."
"Pasteurized?"
"No, just up to my breasts." :p

I posted that joke here 4 weeks ago. :rolleyes:

:hmm: Maybe I should post this in the embarrassing moments thread too! :o :hmm: I knew it sounded familiar....:confused:
Oops! Here I go again....:confused:

A man concerned about his health, goes to the Dr's office. He tells the Dr. "Dr. I can't figure this out....my penis is orange." The Dr. gives him a full physical but can't figure out what is wrong with this man so he asks him " I can't figurre it out....what do you do all day?" So he says "sit at home watching porn while eating Cheetos."

A man concerned about his health, goes to the Dr's office. He tells the Dr. "Dr. I can't figure this out....my penis is orange." The Dr. gives him a full physical but can't figure out what is wrong with this man so he asks him " I can't figurre it out....what do you do all day?" So he says "sit at home watching porn while eating Cheetos."
is this based on a true story :hmm:

is this based on a true story :hmm:

UM... no that I can recall. ;) LOL

This was e-mailed to me awhile ago ~ enjoy!

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:



Heard this the other day:

Float Like a Butterfly
Sting Like a Bee
I Slept with your mother
Now it burns when i pee

How about

Roses are red
The grass in green
your mouth runs like
a washing machine

Doctor Love
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life,
but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.
The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams,
psychological exams and various tests and then concluded, ''Yes, I am happy to
say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office, stop at the
grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your
clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in
your wife's privates. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard
and retrieve the grape using only your tongue." He continued, ''Then next, ma'am,
you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband
until you make a ringer around his winky. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to
him and consume the doughnut.'' The couple went home and their sex life became
more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. and Mrs. Green, that they
should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would
not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the
physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad
news. ' 'I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is
as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.'' The Greens pleaded with him, and said,
''You helped our friends, the Browns, now please, please help us. "Ok, go to the
store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios... '”:eek: :zip:

"Ok, go to the store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios... '”:eek: :zip:

:zip::zip: LOL LOL

a man is lying on his deathbed, with his wife next to him. weakly, he looks up at her and says "honey, before i die, there's something i have to tell you"

"shhh" she says, "just relax".

"NO, no, i have to tell you" he replies.

"no, sweetheart, save your strength".

"listen, i have to tell you before i die.. i slept with you sister once".

the wife gently replies, "ssshhhh, it's ok, i know... just relax".

"but you don't understand" the man says, "and your mother, i slept with her too".

"it's alright, shhhh... just save your energy" she says

"there's more" he tells her, "i slept with your best friend and her sister too"

"ssshhhhh" the wife tells him, "just keep quiet, i know, now save your strength"

"but, darling, i also slept with my secretary. i just needed you to know"

"i already know, darling, now just relax and let the poison do its work"

this one's for chooch:

A Guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them.
Then he grabs some sliced limes & eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see whatyour monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,"replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little bum. Sorry I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

:claps:LOL :claps:

The Proxy Father

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their
family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off.
The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, madam.
You don't know me but I've come to..." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,"
Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really ?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of
babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just
where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. "Leave everything to me. I usually try two
in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room
floor is fun too; you can really spread out." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work
for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased
with the results." "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my
line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be
disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer
opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the
top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her
handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother
was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. "She was
difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get
the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good
look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes," the
photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing
and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my
shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh... equipment ?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod?" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now. "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest
my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam?
Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!":zip: :eek:

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a
question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost
control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and
stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab,
and then the still-shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared
the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and
said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him
so much. The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my
fault. Today is my first day driving a cab... I've been
driving a hearse for the last 25 years.
:eek:

To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you
will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening
with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be
upset - I shall be back home before midnight....


When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54
years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you
are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local
college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be
at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the
assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is
18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge
of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although
with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes
into 18. Therefore, I will not be back home until sometime tomorrow...."
:05:

Wife Vs. Husband

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"


"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."

Cigarettes and Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.

Preco, Babs and Butty are trapped on a roof. Preco says to the others "Lets split up and try to find a way off the roof, if you haven't found anything in 10 minutes meet me back here." So the three split up and 10 minutes later preco and babs meet up but butty doesn't show. So Preco and Babs go to where Butty was searching and when they looked over the edge of the roof she was standing on the ground safe and sound. "How did you get down" yelled Babs. "well." Butty said, "you see that bin of manure over there, I jumped in that." Preco said "Thats nasty!" Then Butty said "Don't worry, it's only ankle deep." Preco and Babs looked at each other, shrugged and jumped into the bin of manure and sank in up to their necks. Preco says "I thought you said it was only ankle deep!" "It is, if you jump in head first!"

OK I don't know if you noticed but I am a brunette!!!!

OK I don't know if you noticed but I am a brunette!!!!
and now we know why :15:

Carnival Date
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
"I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed
120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked
Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight
guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight,
and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to go next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really
weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded,
"Oh, Waura, it was wousy.":rolleyes:

and now we know why :15:

Good one. lol :claps:

IN THE BEGINNING:


In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMO

The Voice
A guy went home from work one night and heard a voice. The voice whispered to him:
"Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man was disturbed
about what he heard and ignored the voice.

The next day when he got home from work, the same thing happened. The voice
whispered to him: "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."
Again the man ignored the voice, thoughhe was very troubled by the event.

Every day, the man was tormented by the same voice when he came home from
work: "Quit your job, sellyour house, take your money, go to Vegas." Each time the
man heard the voice he became increasingly upset.

Finally, after two weeks, he succumbed to the pressure. He quit his job, sold his house,
got together all his money and headed to Vegas. The moment the man got off the plane
in Vegas, the voice told him, Go to Harrah's."

So he hopped in a cab and rushed over to Harrah's. As soon as he set foot in the casino,
the voice echoed, "Go to the roulette table." The man did as he was told. When he arrived
at the roulette table, the voice firmly told him, "Put all your money on 17." Nervously, the man
cashed in his money for chips and then put them all on 17. The dealer wished the man good
luck and spun the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caromed. The man anxiously
watched the ball as it slowly lost speed until finally it settled into number . . . 21.
The voice said, "Damn..."LOL LOL LOL

Confident man
A rather confident man, walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a
very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually
looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast.":rolleyes:

Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans :dog:

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all !!!

2. Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A freakin DOG, YOU IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly
whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew
your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo
Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when
I freak out every time we go back!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I
haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9.Dog sweaters. Hello ???, Haven't you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the
truth, you're just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who's boss
here!!! You don't see me picking up your poop do you ??? :rolleyes:

MARRIAGE - IT'S NOT FAIR

Well, it's not a midlife crisis, but here's how things worked out for me.
Married 32 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 32 years
ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched
a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 20
year old. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV,
but I'm sleeping with a 52 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not
holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 20
year old blond to sleep with, and she would make sure that I would once
again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a
sofa bed, and not have anything nicer than a 10 inch black and white TV ;)

No Fear
One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town
got up early and went to the local church. Before the services
started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking
about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared
at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running
for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort
to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from
the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving...
seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy
was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he
walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried,
"Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married
to your sister for over 48 years.":eek:

Democrat, Republican or Southerner


Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner?


Here is a little test that will help you decide.


The answer can be found by posing the following question:


You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children.


Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife,
and charges at you. You are carrying a 40 cal. Glock and you are an expert
shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What
do you do?
.................................................. .............................


Democrat's Answer:


Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!


Does the man look poor or oppressed?


Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?


Could we run away?


What does my wife think?


What about the kids?


Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his
hand?


What does the law say about this situation?


Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?


Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this
send to society and to my children?


Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?


Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound
me?


If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while
he was stabbing me?


Should I call 9-1-1?


Why is this street so deserted?


We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier,
healthier street that would discourage such behavior.


This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few
days and try to come to a consensus.
.................................................. ...............................


Republican's Answer:


BANG!
.................................................. ...............................


Southerner's Answer:


BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click...


(sounds of reloading).


BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click...


Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or
Hollow Points?


Son: Can I shoot the next one!


Wife: You ain't taking THAT to the Taxidermist!

I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

Story of a happy dog
Trouser was normally a happy-go-lucky dog. He would chase tennis balls, play with other doggies, and eat his dinner without a fuss. He was a dog without a care. But on that fateful autumn afternoon, it was to be different. Trouser's owners were walking him along a trail at the park, when suddenly from out of the bushes jumped a man all dressed in black. He had white paint on his face, and was gesturing annoyingly at Trouser's masters. This strange person spoke not a word, but proceeded to pretend that he was trapped in a box and that he was pulling on a long rope. Seeing the sheer horror on his masters' faces, Trouser took it upon himself to rectify the situation. With a low growl he jumped and sank his teeth into this annoying pseudo clown's leg. Trouser immediately got a sickened look in his eyes and began to vomit wildly. He then dragged his tongue all over the ground in an effort to remove the man's foul essence from his mouth. For Trouser had learned that .... a mime is a terrible thing to taste.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather,

who died peacefully in his sleep.

Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
~ Author Unknown





Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and

get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:

"Take two aspirin and keep away from children."
~ Author Unknown

Last chance for love
The wife of an older man is distraught because her
husband's um . . . little sailor can't salute anymore. She goes
to her local doctor and explains the situation and the doctor
just feels plain bad for her. The doc thinks for a little bit, turns to
the woman and says, "listen, I don't do this for everyone, but since
your husband's on his way out... Get this prescription, and put
three drops in his milk before he goes to bed." The wife is very
happy and thanks the doc profusely. Two weeks later, the doctor sees
the woman and asks how it went. The lady blushes, smiles and says,
"well I put thirty drops in his milk by accident, and well, we just need an
antidote now to close the coffin.":eek:

What's the difference between Beer nuts and Deer nuts?




Beer nuts are $3.99 a pound....Deer nuts are under a buck...:rolleyes:

Medical Exams



1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff,
rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that
there were several cabs-and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's
anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient. Submitted
by DR Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a
massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the
family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his Cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor,
that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse
told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him
quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on
his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband
was alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good,
except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked
to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a
punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange cloth! ing, entered. It was
quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been
dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was
completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow
the lawn." Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!!!................

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female
pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further
embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, But the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".

Dr. wouldn't submit his name :o

u have to read this like a rap
this is a fact
yo moms breath is so wack
she doesnt need a tic
she dosent tac
she needs the whole dam pack

Yo mama so dark she went to night school and was marked absent!

lot off them to gether if some one is afennded i am sorry dont take the jokes the wrong way


Yo mama so dark that she can leave fingerprints on charcoal.


Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes



Yo mama so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 year old friends


Yo mama so stupid when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon



Yo mama so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind


Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death!



Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!




Yo mama so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!




Yo mama so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!




Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!



Yo mama so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911


Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.



Yo mama so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K."





Yo mama so stupid she thout she got stabbed in a shoot out.




Yo mama so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.



Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.


and a lil break

Why not put the rest on the 'yo mama' thread? ;)
http://www.spoofee.com/forums/showthread.php?t=27305&page=4&highlight=yo+mama

**There were some goood ones! ;) *

The Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time,
and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental
asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which
defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub. "

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?" :rolleyes:

Michael Jackson Joke

Plastic Surgery: $34,000 Amusement Park: $12,000,000 Legal Fees: $785,000 Making us Laugh: Priceless!

I just sat and read all 30 pages. Much applause for all the funnies. I had to pass along some of them! Along with the insomnia, my rear hurts from sitting here and I have to put in my own joke...


A judge comes home early from work to find his wife in bed with the mailman. He yells, "waddya think you're doing???" The wife looksat the mailman and says, "See, I told you he was stupid!"

>>>> The 17 Top Country Western Songs:
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> 17. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
>>>>
>>>> 16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All
>>>> Day Long
>>>>
>>>> 15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
>>
>>>> 14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
>>>>
>>>> 13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
>>>>
>>>> 12. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well
>>>>
>>>> 11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better :rolleyes:
>>>>
>>>> 10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
>>>>
>>>> 9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
>>>>
>> 8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
>>>>
>>>> 7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison
>>>> By Now ;)
>>>>
>>>> 6. My wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
>>>>
>>>> 5. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
>>>>
>>>> 4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
>>>>
>>>> 3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
>>>>
>>>> 2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
>>>>
>>>> And the Number One song is ..
>>>>
>>>> 1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman....., But I've Sure
>>>> Woke Up With A Few !!!
>>

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Kentucky ?











Everyone has the same DNA.

low carb dieters...
742

Twice a week
After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments,
a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage
was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for
some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the
counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?"
The wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs
within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over
to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for
several minutes, and sat her back down.
Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what
had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS
that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here
on Tuesdays and Thursdays.":rolleyes:

A woman in her fifties went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The
surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small
knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten
up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift. Of course the
woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the
effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two
problems. "All of these years, everything has been working just fine. I
have turned the knob many times and have been very pleased with the
results. But now, I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have
these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags,those are
your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee!":eek:

True story, my cousin moved down South and has forwarded me a list of things NOT to say when I visit....



I'm not always the fastest learner but after 8 years I've learned some things NOT to say in the south:

After you lost the war ….

Sherman was a great General

Is that rifle just for hunting?

That’s not how we do it in the north.

Why is everyone so damn polite down here?

Is anybody ever is a rush around here?

You forgot your socks

Have you ever been anywhere?

How do I get outa here?

Which way is north?

Is there some sort of store around here?

Isn’t your sister kinda big for that bikini?

Your Pickup is looking pretty tired

Did you ever go to school?

Are your people still on the farm?

Do you live back in the woods?

Your dog’s missing its tag

Looks like you made that shed yourself

May I have bean sprouts with my salad?

Why is the gravy white?

Was this cooked in Pork fat?

Is this food supposed to be healthy?

I don’t see any people of color around here

Who is Dale Earnhardt?

I’ll have a grande latte with skim milk

The Pope is visiting Washington, D.C., and President Bush
takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac, cruising on
the Presidential yacht, the Sequoia. They're admiring the
sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto)
blows off his head and out into the water.

Secret Service guys start to launch a boat, but President
Bush waves them off, saying, "Wait, wait. I'll take care of
this. Don't worry."

Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water
and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over,
picks it up, and then walks back to the yacht and climbs
aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning, the headlines in the New York Times,
Boston Globe, Atlanta Constitution, Washington Post, Boston
Herald, Buffalo News, Houston Chronicle, Milwaukee
Sentinel-Journal, Minneapolis Tribune, Denver Post,
Albuquerque Journal, Los Angeles Times, and San Francisco
Chronicle all proclaim:

"Bush Can't Swim!"

HER DIARY




Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.





On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.














Scroll down




















HIS DIARY





I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.:rolleyes:

Pirate in the Bar
A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door. The pirate had a peg leg,
a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye. Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said,
"Come over here friend. You look like you've had a hard life and I'd like
to buy you a drink." The pirate came over and ordered rum.
"Just out of curiosity," the man said, "how did you lose your leg?" "Arrrgh!" said the pirate,
"I lost that timber to a tiger shark in the Caribbean when I was thrown overboard
for stealing a man's rum."
"That's just terrible. How did you lose your hand?" the man said.
"Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that fighting cannibals off
Madagascar under Admiral Hawk." "Oh my!" the man said, "I can't even imagine!
How did you lose your eye?" "Arrrgh! A seagull pooped in it!" said the pirate.
"A seagull!" the man exclaimed. "Is seagull poop dangerous?!"
he asked. "Nay, matey, it was me first day with the hook...":eek:

Another Blonde Joke

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

The Miracle of Toilet Paper

Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts were too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked" They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?" He is still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man.:28:

Drunk Irishman
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar
was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand
one more time with the same result. He figured he'd crawl outside and get some fresh air
to sober himself up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decidedto crawl the four
blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed, he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to
pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as
his head hit the pillow.
He awoke the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been
out drinking again!" "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again." :rolleyes:

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue.

The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskin from the circumcisions? "

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins And when we have enough we actually send them to the "Internal Revenue Service".

"Internal Revenue Service?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue Service. And..about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

> Gambling
>
>
> Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived ....and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
> She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."
> With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled,"Come on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!"
> As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down... and squealed...
> "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
> She hugged each of the dealers... and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.
> The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,
> "What did she roll?"
> The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."
>
> Moral ---
> Not all Southerners are stupid.
> Not all blondes are dumb.
>
> But, all men..... are men.:rolleyes:

This one isn't real funny, but I just had to dedicate it to Preco- cause I know how much she loves the South.

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches
around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and
started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he
began taking photographs and making notes.

He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall, and was intrigued
with a sign which read, "$10,000 per minute."

Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign.
The pastor answered that the golden phone is, in fact, a direct
line to Heaven, and if he pays the price, he can talk directly to God.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake City,
Denver, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more
such phones, with the same sign, and the same explanation from each pastor.

Finally, the man arrived in the lovely state of Georgia. Upon entering
a church, behold: he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 25 cents"!

Fascinated, the man asked to speak with the pastor. "Reverend, I have
been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found
this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to
Heaven, and that I could use it to talk to God..

But in 20 other churches, the cost was $10,000 per minute. Your sign
says 25 cents per call Why is that?

(I just love this part)

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied:
"Son, you're in the South now, and it's a local call.

In light of the Middle East situation, I thought this was appropriate!

In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had
been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long,
long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and
there he was!

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave,
she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the
Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years!

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for
all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety
and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f***in' wall."

:claps: Angelgrammi...you rock! :claps:

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes??


Nothing, she's already been told twice!:eek:

>> It is good to be a woman:
>> 1. We got off the Titanic first.
>> 2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder
>>excuses.
>> 3 Taxis stop for us.
>> 4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
>> 5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
>> 6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
>> 7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
>> 8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
>> 9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates
>>are still there.
>> 10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
>> 11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them
>>naked.
>> 12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look
>>like an idiot.
>> 13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
>> 14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
>> 15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence
>>because they aren't listening anyway. :rolleyes:

What do a bungee jump and a Hooker have in common?
They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.

IT'S GOOD TO BE A MAN ...

* Your last name stays put.
* The garage is all yours.
* Wedding plans take care of themselves.
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
* Car mechanics tell you the truth.
* You could care less if someone doesn't notice your new haircut.
* The world is your urinal.
* You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky looking.
* Wrinkles add character.
* Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
* People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
* The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
* New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
* One mood, ALL the time.
* Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
* You know stuff about tanks.
* A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
* You can open all your own jars.
* You can kill your own food.
* You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
* Your underwear is $6.95 for a three-pack.
* Everything on your face stays its original color.
* You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
* Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
* You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He's mad at me."
* You don't mooch off others' desserts.
* You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
* You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
* You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
* You don't have to shave below your neck.
* Your belly usually hides your big hips.
* One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
* You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife or your teeth.
* You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
* Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 18 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

Good one, Jerry....yay us!

Twelve things NOT to say to a cop

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugges in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up w/ me. Good job!
5. Are you Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last cop only gave me a warning too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Ok, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up w/ traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the officer says "Gee son...your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond w/, "Gee officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

"You Know You're A New Yorker When...: - From the New York Times

1. ...you're 35 years old and don't have a driver's license.
2. ...you ride in a subway car with no air conditioning, just because there are seats available. You and the other three passengers look at each other and know you have pure grit.
3. ... you are going home from work by subway and you know exactly where on the platform the doors will open that will leave you right in front of the stairways at your home station.
4. ...you refuse to eat any pizza slice that can't be folded in half so that you can eat it while you walk.
5. ...you cringe at hearing people pronounce Houston St. like the city in Texas
6. ...paying 7 dollars for cigarettes will eventually seem reasonable.
7. ...you get upset that a cabbie is obeying all the rules of the road (speed limit, turn signals, etc)
8. ...someone passes out on the train you mistakenly think he is dead and think, "Why does he have to die on MY train because this is going to make me late for my appointment."
9. ...you cross the street anywhere but in the corners, yelling at the cars for not respecting the fact.
10. ...you move 8,000 miles away...spend 10 years learning the local language and yet when you open your mouth to speak people still say, "you're from brooklyn aren't you?"
11. ...you have the guts to claim you know what makes a New Yorker in a public forum even though you've only lived in New York for 2 years.
12. ...you return after 10 or more years living outside NYC, and the first food you want are real pizza and White Castle sliders.
13. ...you start thinking that a 500 square foot apartment is large.
14. ...your co-worker commutes 45 minutes by train to a 2,000 square foot house in the suburbs that was the same price as your 500 square foot apartment that you commute 35 minutes by subway to...And you think: "sucker"
15. ...you know the differences between the various Ray's Pizza establishments
16. ...you see Harrison Ford walking down the street and nobody seemed to care to look at him.
17. ...you know who Dr. Z is... (inside joke...us NYCers get it)
18. ...you have at least 50 menus in your apartment, two thirds of which you have neither ordered from nor even heard of.
19. ...you long for Manhattan's pre-Giuliani openness, even if it meant crack smokers in the subway and the homeless peeing in the hallway.
20. ...you are in another city and stop by what appears to be a "deli" and ask for an Italian hero with the works. They look at you funny--you walk out angry...and hungry.
21. ...you know that the off the shelf insecticides work as laughing gas to the super resistant cockroaches in your building.
22. ...you get ready to order dinner every night and must choose from the 4 major food groups: Chinese, Mexican, Cuban or Indian.
23. ...you wouldn't dream of going to Times Square on New Year's Eve.
24. ...you ask someone, can you tell me what time is it or should I just go *&%# myself!!
25. ...your internal clock and daily calendar are permanently set to know when Alternate Side of the Street parking regulations are suspended or in effect.
26. ...you know what a bodega is.
27. ...you lose patience with those who say St. Louis is a world class city.
28. ...you freak out because a stranger says hello.
29. ...you learn how to fold the New York Times in-half, vertically, so that you can read it on the subway or bus without knocking off other passenger's hats.
30. ...you think people from Joy-zee talk funny.
31. ...someone bumps into you, and you check for your wallet.
32. ...you pay no attention to the nice lady walking down the road having a perfectly normal conversation with herself.
33. ...you pay "only" $230 a month to park the car.
34. ...you cross the street, almost get hit by a bicycle, and instead of being worried, curse the bicyclist.
35. ...you watch the show "Sex and the City" as a documentary about the people you know.
36. ...you visit friends out of town and you can't get to sleep because the quiet freaks you out.
37. ...you remember Kung-Fu Saturday afternoons on pre-FOX Channel 5 and Abbott and Costello Sunday mornings on on pre-WB Channel 11.
38. ...you remember Matt Lauer before he co-anchored the Today show.
39. ...you think $1200 a month for a small studio is a steal!
40. ...you are willing to pay a 18% broker's fee just to get ahead of the competition...and all he did was unlock the door.
41. ...having a window in your apartment is considered a luxury and not a necessity.
42. ...you are willing to take in strange people as roommates simply to help pay the rent.
43. ...your dog is bigger than your living room.
44. ...your reaction to a presidential visit isn't "oh boy, what an honor" but "oh no, what a pain traffic is going to be."
45. ...the mere thought of a blueberry or chocloate chip bagel is an insult.
46. ...the names Crazy Eddie, Tom Carvel and Joe Franklin bring a smile to your face.
47. ...when as the announcemnet comes on the PA on the subway platform you turn your head, cock your ear, and when it's over you walk to the stairs to a chorus of, "Wait! Wait! What did she say??!"
48. ...you're annoyed, instead of excited, that they're making a movie on your block.
49. ...you can take a catnap on the subway and wake up when your stop is announced.
50. you looked forward to riding the subway to read the next installment of Marisol and Julio.
51. ...the deli guy gives you a straw with any beverage you buy, even if it is beer.
52. ...you understand that the plural form of you is youse.
53. ...you cheerfully make left turns from the right-hand lane and give old ladies the finger as they cut you off in traffic, but would NEVER make a right turn on a red light.
54. ...you know that if a parking space looks too good to be true, it is.
55. ...you're making $70,000 and you're "scraping" by.
56. ...you find yourself fantasizing about apartments listed on the Douglas Elliman website.
57. ...Nothing is north or south, it's uptown or downtown.
58. ...almost everyone you know has a story about how they finally got home after the WTC fell.
59. ...you take harsh criticism of the city by a non-New Yorker as a personal insult, but readily accept and often agree with the same criticism coming from a fellow New Yorker.
60. ...you can read all the posts here, and find yourself nodding with understanding and agreement (to most of them)...

A father put his three year old daughter to bed,
told her a story and listened to her prayers
which she ended by saying:

"God bless Mommy,
God bless daddy,
God bless grandma
and
good-bye grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say
good-bye grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just
seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a
strange coincidence. A few months later the father put
the girl to bed and listened to her prayer s,
which went like this:

"God bless Mommy,
God Bless daddy
and
good-bye grandma."

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought
the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to
bed the dad heard her say:

"God bless Mommy
and
good-bye daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night
and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He
was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and
watched the clock. He figured if he could get by
until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the
end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking
at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally
midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of
relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never
seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just
spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never
believe what happened to me. This morning
the milkman dropped dead on our porch."

This isn't really a joke, it's a quote from the show Cheers but it's hilarious!

As explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members . In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Thanks JMB, I never thought of that. I wonder if beer goggles help too?

In theroy that sounds good, but why do we do dumb things when we drink ? :confused:

Well, butty, to clarify my quote from cheers, in realy life most of the smartest people are the slow unathletic geeks. Well, same in the herd, the smartest ones are the slow ones who get eaten first. Just my :money:

Hmm well I am slightly more athletic than I am smart so I guess I am slightly ahead of the game. LOL

Three guys go to the washroom and the first one goes comes back out and washes his hands 4 times, the two other guys are looking at him and ask what are you doing? He says, my teacher taught me to be clean. The guy second goes to the washroom comes back out he rolls his sleeves all the way up to his shoulders and washes his whole arms. The 2 guys look at him and say what are you doing? He replies, my teacher taught me to be clean. The third guy goes to the washroom comes back out and just leaves without washing his hands. The 2 guys look at him and say what are you doing? He says my teacher taught me not to pee on myself.

The Firefighter and the little Firefighter
A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy going down the sidewalk in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The boy is wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon is being pulled by his dog and cat.

The fire-fighter walks out to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," he says admiringly.

"Thanks, Mr. fireman," the boy says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the boy has tied the wagon to his dog's collar and to the cat's nuts.

"Little Partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little boy replies, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.":cat: :eek:

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado and off they whirled to the land of OZ. They finally made it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard.

"What brings the 4 of you before the great Wizard of Oz?"

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly and said, "I've come for some courage."

"No Problem!", said the Wizard. "Who's next?"

Richard Nixon stepped forward, "Well, I think I need a heart."

"Done!, exclaims the Wizard. "Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"

Up stepped Bush and said, "I'm told by the American people that I need a brain."

"No problem!", said the Wizard. "Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but he doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "Well, what do you want?"

"Is Dorothy here?"

Bad Day


While walking through the Boulder Colorado woods a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity what the heck are you doing?"


"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious the man says, "Well, OK." He wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, and car keys, stripped him naked, and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?" He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear, and said,

"This just ain't gonna be your day, Cupcake.":05:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh:eek:

For many many years, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads.

We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion.

The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington, DC

When one of these women gets married, she brings with her, a dowry. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see if he has won either a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States.

:hmm: :hmm:

A man fell asleep on the beach under the midday sun and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra. Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?"
The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off of his legs."

This is truly an amazing story...

A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college.

While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could, he worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. The large bull elephant stared at him and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, all the while staring at the man. The man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, severely injuring him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant

http://www.dummyvideos.com/p23.ht3.jpg :eek: :zip:

http://www.dummyvideos.com/p23.ht3.jpg :eek: :zip:
and the boy too

Why did the condom cross the road?

Cause he got pissed off.

Who keeps stealing the shampoo?

The Robber Ducky . . . .

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke.....

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again!
If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned
beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."?

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

I just heard this joke

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, frowning, mutters to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room and the last instruction from Mother Superior is that they mustn't get a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, they decide to lock the door, strip off their habits and paint in the buff.

In the middle of the project, there is a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" they call out.

"Blind man" replies a voice on the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that it can do no harm to let a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice tatas," says the man, "Where do you want the blinds?"

Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house
it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his
repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and
wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his
card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis
3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in
gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door
and knock." Genesis! 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I
was afraid for I was naked." :angel:

LOL

Can't describe it......LOL
http://www.toilette-humor.com/cartoon.html

For many many years, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads.

We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion.

The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington, DC


When one of these women gets married, she brings with her, a dowry. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see if he has won either a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States.

:hmm: :hmm:


er....odd seeing as how im indian and ....my dad owns a conveneint store, cousin owns a gas station, uncles owns a donut shop, and another uncle owns a motel? hmmm.....damn it I want more choices hahah

Billy Bob and his brother Lester were talking one afternoon when
Billy Bob tells Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a
vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last
few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years
ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie
got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if
Marie didn't get pregnant again." Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what
you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year
I'm taking Marie with me."

er....odd seeing as how im indian and ....my dad owns a conveneint store, cousin owns a gas station, uncles owns a donut shop, and another uncle owns a motel? hmmm.....damn it I want more choices hahah
:zip: :theyareon

LOL

Can't describe it......LOL
http://www.toilette-humor.com/cartoon.html

Ok, now i'm sick......thanks, preco......;)

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away, Jenny
rushed to her grandmother's side. When she asked the particulars
of her grandfather's death, her grandmother explained, "He had a
heart attack while they were making whoopee on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Jenny suggested love making at age 94 was surely asking
for trouble. "Oh, no," her grandmother replied, "We had sex every
Sunday morning, in time with the church bells - in with the
dings and out with the dongs."
She paused and wiped away a tear. "If it hadn't been for that darn
ice cream truck going past, he'd still be alive."

FEMALE VOCABULARY

Fine:
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes:
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing:
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine"(See Above).

Go Ahead:
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!

Loud Sigh:
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing" (See Above).

That's Okay:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.*My personal favorite :rolleyes:

Thanks:
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you, do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.

I personaly like "go ahead"

I found this entertaining and true :rolleyes:
http://www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf

Are You Male or Female?


To find the Answer, look down.









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Not here, Stupid! :rolleyes:

Q: Why did God create women?

A: Because God took one look at men and said "I know I can do better than this.

An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT." It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers. It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already pooped in my pants."

Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!;)

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance." :eek:

My Joke

http://img100.imageshack.us/img100/3246/avataryj1.jpg


*closes thread now*

Q: Why did God create women?

A: Someone needs to do the cooking


Much better IMO.