My Joke

http://img100.imageshack.us/img100/3246/avataryj1.jpg


*closes thread now*
Got mod rod envy? Seems you're short a mod rod, can't close a thread....LOL

The joke is on you, you mangy, smelly, skanky coon-dog! LOL

Seems you've got a short mod rod, smaller than a thread....LOL

:eek: :zip:

Our old friend Gladys attended church services one particular Sunday.
The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell
asleep. After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy
looking gentleman, in an attempt to revive him from his stupor, extended
her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn." To which the
gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!".

Much better IMO.


:bigok: :bigok: :claps:

Dont forget cleaning;)

Oh I see, you're going to come back and start sh!t huh? :28: :tongue:

Who ME????? That must have been my altar ego talking:angel:

Yeah yeah! Welcome back!

Was JMB gone?? oh, well welcome back, then.....:theyareon

Was JMB gone?? oh, well welcome back, then.....:theyareon

OUCH Daredevil! That wasn't necessary;)

OUCH Daredevil! That wasn't necessary;)

Didnt mean that as a dig...just my failure to notice.....too poor to pay attention.....;)

Didnt mean that as a dig...just my failure to notice.....too poor to pay attention.....;)
Run out of gutters? ;)

Sure did, Preco...you got any you'd care to donate? LOL

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN ?

ABSOLUTELY TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON
THE INCIDENT.

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments
of $560.00).
He and a friend go duck hunting in mid-winter; and of course all of the
lakes are frozen.
These two guys go on a lake with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the
New NAVIGATOR.
They decide they want to make a natural looking water area for the
ducks, something for the decoys to float on. Now making a hole in the
ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little
more power than the average drill auger can produce.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with
a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they
might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (
and becoming toast, along With the Navigator), decide on the following
course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty
thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the
GUNS, and the DOG...???
Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING
Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes
off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of
dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in
their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at
the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master,
keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. !

The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a
Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused then continues on.

Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really
confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone
insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator.

The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the
truck touches the dogs rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the
truck and takes off after his master.

Then""""""""""BOOOOOOOOOOOOM""""""""""!!!!
The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving
the two idiots standing there with...... "I can't believe this just
happened" looks on their faces. The insurance company says that sinking
a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the
policy. He still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month
payments...The dog is okay...

Newspaper item from Wisconsin...

AND THEY MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE IN THE SOUTH? LOL

A great joke, but.......

[url]http://www.snopes.com/critters/cruelty/dynamite.asp

Ooooh Busted!!!;)

Ooooh Busted!!!;)
geez....did you not read that it claimed LOL to be true.....hang your hat on something else...:rolleyes:...amatuer..*shakes head*

ABSOLUTELY TRUE STORY



:hmm: :hmm: Whatev!!!!;)

The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the
passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she
said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith
Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination.

Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right?
Is the captain a woman?" When the attendants came by with the drink
cart, he said "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is
female." "My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I
don't know what to think of all those women up
there in the cockpit."

That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no
longer call it the cock pit."

It's the "Box office." :eek: :theyareon

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Answer:
Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk.;)

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of automatically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically
comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every
day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few
seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and I stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I ask.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?":eek:

The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the
passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she
said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith
Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination.

Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right?
Is the captain a woman?" When the attendants came by with the drink
cart, he said "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is
female." "My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I
don't know what to think of all those women up
there in the cockpit."

That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no
longer call it the cock pit."

It's the "Box office." :eek: :theyareon



Or in your case it would be a the "valley of death"

Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mom says, "No."

He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think
I gave him my airplane glue." :eek:

Linguistic Evolution...

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k." Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "W" by "V". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

very nice :claps:

Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!:o

A young man, fresh out of college, went to see his doctor
one day.

"Doc, there's something wrong with me. Every time I stand in
a baby's high chair and face southwest, and then touch my
tongue to a piece of aluminum foil that's wrapped around an
acorn, I get a strange tingle in my big toe. Can you tell me
what the problem is?"

"Sure!" said the doctor. "You have way too much time on your hands."

The blonde was broke and desperate. She knocked on the door
of a doctor's house and said she needed money and would be
willing to work for it. The doctor asked if she would be
willing to paint his porch. He would give her $50 to do it.
The blonde said that would be fine. The doctor's wife said
the blonde must be really dumb to do such a big job for only $50.
"Does she realize that the porch goes all the way? Around the house?"
the wife asked. "I guess so," the doctor told his wife. A few
minutes later, the blonde knocked on the door. "All done," she
said, "and by the way, it's not a porch, it's a Ferrari.";)

Two factory workers were talking. "I know how to get some
time off from work," said the first man.

"How do you think you will do that?" asked the other worker.

He proceeded to show his method by climbing up to the
rafters and hanging upside down.

The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling,
and asked, "What on earth do you think you are doing?"

"I'm a light bulb" answered the worker.

"I think you need some time off," said the boss. So, the
worker jumped down and walked out of the factory.

The other worker began walking out too.

The boss stopped him and asked, "Where do you think you are
going?"

"Home," the worker replied. "I can't work in the dark."

Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a
very famousartist. She told the artist, "Paint me with 3- karat
diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald
bracelets, and a beautiful red ruby pendant."
"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good and my
husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die
I'm sure he will marry her, and I want her to go nuts looking
for the jewelry...";)

A blonde buys a handgun at a local pawn shop because she
thinks her husband is cheating on her. When she gets home,
she finds her husband in bed with a woman. The Blonde grabs
the gun out of her purse, loads it and points it at her own head.
Her husband seeing this starts screaming at her not to Shoot.
The blonde replies "Shut up stupid! You're next!"

West of Brokeback Mountain...

A cowboy walks into a bar, a few miles West of Brokeback Mountain, and, after two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.

"What the hell," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your 'willy'?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your 'willy'. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies."

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because "'Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY, 'Like a Rock!' And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my 'willy' is SECRET. Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN.'"

:claps: :claps: :claps: :claps: :claps: :claps:

A girl calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here
and help me! I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't
figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's
finished?"

The girl says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a
tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle
spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a
moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be
able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a
tiger."

Looking her square in the eye, he continued, "Second, I'd
advise you to relax..." sighing, he said, "Now, let's put
all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

I appologize if this joke was already said. I was too lazy to look back.


What did one saggy boob say to the other?
If we don't get some support people will think we are nuts.

I appologize if this joke was already said. I was too lazy to look back.


What did one saggy boob say to the other?
If we don't get some support people will think we are nuts.
:claps: this is dehawk's predicament :claps:

:claps: this is dehawk's predicament :claps:
Growing your own boobies will do that to you (not YOU literally, well maybe) lol

If you are you need to post how for all the women to see:tongue:

If you are you need to post how for all the women to see:tongue:
Are you sure you aren't drinking tonight? ;)

Whoops sorry, I can't read tonight. It's funny but mine are already grown and it came naturally to me. :tongue:

HECK no!!!! Are you?

I think we should take this to the Friday night thread so 'I' don't get accused of thread-jacking over here too. LOL

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know, I bet he will."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.....

Blonde Cowpoke
The sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees
a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but
his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots.
So the sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure. As he
is locking him up, he asks, "Why in the world are you dressed
like this?" The cowboy says, "Well it's like this, Sheriff... I was
in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asked me
to go out to her motor home with her... and I did. We went
inside and she pulled off her top and asked me to pull off my
shirt. So I did... Then she pulled off her skirt and asked me to
pull off my pants, so I did... Then she pulled off her panties and
asked me to pull off my shorts... So I did... Then she got on the
bed and looked at me kind of funny and said, 'Now go to town
cowboy'... So here I am.":yo:

A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street café watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house. The physicist says, "The measurement wasn't accurate." The biologist says, "They must have reproduced." The mathematician says, "If one more person enters the house then it will be empty."

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classified as a high-caliber employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Regards,
Project Leader

KEEP READING...

Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the Project Leader:

Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my assessment.

Regards,
Project Leader

A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street café watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house. The physicist says, "The measurement wasn't accurate." The biologist says, "They must have reproduced." The mathematician says, "If one more person enters the house then it will be empty."
LOL :claps: :bigok:

The ones that are purple I find especailly fitting.

You know you're a true MICHIGANIAN when.............
>
>1. "Vacation" means going up north on I- 75.
>
>2. You measure distance in hours.
>
>3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
>
>4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
>
>5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
>
>6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).
>
>7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
>
>8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
>
>9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
>
>10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
>
>11. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
>
>12. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
>
>13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
>
>14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
>
>15. Down South to you means Ohio
>
>16. A brat is something you eat.
>
>17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole barn.
>
>18. You go out to fish fry every Friday.
>
>19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
>
>20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
>
>21. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."
>
>22. You drink pop and bake with soda.
>
>23. Your doctor tells you to drink Vernors and you know it's not medicine.
>
>24. You know what a Yooper is.
>
>25. You think owning a Honda is UnAmerican.
>
>26. You know that UP is a place, not a direction
>
>27. You know it's possible to live in a thumb.
>
>28. You understand that when visiting Detroit, the best thing to wear is a Kevlar vest.
>
>29. You actually understand these jokes

I just got this email. Butty, this shows how different NC and MI are!

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED HAVING RELATIVES AND FRIENDS IN NORTH CAROLINA:

1. Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air

2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in NORTH CAROLINA.

3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in NORTH CAROLINA, plus a couple no one's seen before.

4. If it grows, it sticks; If it crawls, it bites.

5. "Onced" and "Twiced" are words.

6. It is not a Shopping cart, it is a buggy.

7. Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.

8. People actually grow and eat okra.

9. "Fixinto" is one word.

10. There is no such thing as "lunch". There is only dinner and then there is supper.

11. Ice tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

12. Backards and forwards means "I know everything about you."

13. The word "Jeet" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

14. You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you' re done or it's too dark to see.

15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.


YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM NORTH CAROLINA IF:

1. You measure distance in minutes.

2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

3. You use "fix" as a verb. For example: "I'm fixing to go to the store "

4. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

5. You install security lights on your house and garage, then leave both unlocked.

6. You know what a "DAWG" is.

7. You carry jumper cables in your car .. For your OWN car.

8. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete, Tabasco and ketchup.

9. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

10. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

11. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm".

12. You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.

13. Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as "goin' Wal-martin" or off to "Wally World" ... Mall Mart.

14. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good Gumbo weather.

15. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop .. it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. For example: "What kinda coke you want?"

16. Fried catfish is the other white meat.

17. We don't need no stinking driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

18. You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from North Carolina (and those who just wish they were). Not EVERYONE can be a NORTH CAROLINIAN, it's an art form and a gift from God! AMEN!!!!!

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM CALIFORNIA WHEN...

The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.

You know how to eat an artichoke.

The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.

Left is right and right is wrong.

Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.

You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.

You drive to your neighborhood block party.

Your family tree contains "significant others."

More than clothes come out of the closets.

You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.

More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.

Smoking in your office is not optional.

You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.

Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.

You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.

You consult your horoscope before planning your day.

A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.

You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH"

__________________________________________________ ________
and for you visitors,

...You KNOW you're in California! when......


Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.

You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.

Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.

You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

Both you AND your dog have therapists

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read
their e-mail with their hand on the mouse

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!

:tongue:

There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't.

How To Avoid The Flu

Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune
system.
Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the s tairs
instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of
antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.
Get plenty of rest.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

OR
Take the doctor's office approach.
Think about it...
When you go for a shot, what do they do first?
Clean your arm with alcohol..
Why?
Because alcohol kills germs.
So....... I walk to the liquor store. (exercise ) I put lime in my
Corona...(fruit) Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies) Drink outdoors
on the bar patio..(fresh air) Tell jokes, laugh..(eliminate stress) Then
pass out. (rest)

The way I see it...
If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!!!!
My grandmother always said, "A shot in the glass is better than one
in the ass!!!"
This may be my new motto :05:

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like ****."

HOW TO INSTALL THE HOME SECURITY SYSTEM:


1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14 work
boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns and Ammo
magazine.

3. Put a giant dog dish next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads, "Hey Bubba - big Mike and I went
for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the Pitbulls. Better
wait outside. They attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up
pretty bad. I locked all four of them in the house.

One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of
the rascally behavior that was going on.
So he called one of his angels and sent the angel to
earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not." God thought for
a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."

So God called another angel and sent him to earth for
a time, too.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, yes,
it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5%
are being good."

God was not pleased. So he decided to email the 5%
who were good, because He wanted to encourage them, give them a
little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the email said?






























































































No?
Okay, just wondering. I didn't get one either :ignore:

"I've got problems," he said. "Every time I go to bed, I think there's
somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come
talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those
fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.
Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?"
asked the psychiatrist.
"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved
all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there
now!!!"

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .....























A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. :doh: :verysad:

haha great thread :)

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and
shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and said, "If I give you this
money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.

"No, I don't waste time shopping", the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my
time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.

"Are you NUTS?" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to
take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight."

The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing
that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like
after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine.":05:

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key Under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant Yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally, the repairman couldn't Contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

The preacher rose with a red face: "Someone in this congregation has
spread a rumor that I belong to the KKK. This is a horrible lie and one
which a Christian community can not tolerate. I am embarrassed and
do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand
and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!" No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and
admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your
heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!"
Again all was quiet. Slowly a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body
that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and
her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan.
I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets.":o

Four Letter Words
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got
back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How
was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was
wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama,
as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...
things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words!
You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!"
"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful?
What 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept
the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get
me, please!" "Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset....
Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the
bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK!":eek:

You know you're getting old when
-You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
-Your back goes out more than you do.
-You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
-You are proud of your lawn mower.
-Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
-You sing along with the elevator music.
-You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
-You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
-You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
-You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
-Neighbors borrow your tools.
-People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
-You have dreams about prunes.
-You answer a question with "because I said so!"
-You send money to PBS.
-The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
-You take a metal detector to the beach.
-You wear black socks with sandals.
-You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.
-Your ears are hairier than your head.
-You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
-You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
-You got cable for the weather channel.
-You go bowling without drinking.
-You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

MOODS OF A WOMAN
================

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
a woman is a bundle of contradiction,

she's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.

Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
she'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,

she'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
she'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
at times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,

she'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.


MOODS OF A MAN
==============

Horny

How come when you mix water and flour together



you get glue?..





and



then you add eggs





and



sugar...



and you get cake?











Where did the glue go ?





NEED AN ANSWER?





You know darned well where it went!





That's what makes the cake



Stick to your BUTT :p

Golf Accident
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asked him, "What happened to you?" "Well, I
was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole,
we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them
and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something
white at its rear end." "I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there
was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle
of the cow's butt." "Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,
'Hey honey, this looks like yours!'" "I don't remember much after that." :eyebrows:

Another Golf Accident
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.
The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball
headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his
hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll
around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately
began to apologize. "Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist
and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told
him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a
few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still
clasping his hands together at his crotch. The woman takes it upon
herself to begin to "ease his pain." She began to massage his groin.
After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?" The man
looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good... but my
thumb still hurts like hell!".:rolleyes:

Some guys just don't know when to keep their mouth shut!

ITALIAN JOB INTERVIEW
An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Data easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.



"What's this?" the boss asks. "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make a nine," says the Italian.



"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."



The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"



"Each of da trees isa dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."


The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."



The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."


The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" (You're going to love this one!!!)


The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little doga came along and crapa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, when I'm a gonna start?" :p

13 Things PMS Stands For:
1 Pass My Shotgun :eyebrows:
2 Psychotic Mood Shift
3 Perpetual Munching Spree
4 Puffy Mid-Section
5 People Make me Sick
6 Provide Me with Sweets
7 Pardon My Sobbing
8 Pimples May Surface
9 Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you"

She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1,you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party." :p

MUST..NOT..........LET........COFFEE............SP EW........FROM............NOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !11:claps: :claps: :claps: :claps:

10 Halloween Phrases That Sound Dirty
10. She's a goblin!
9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
8. Let me see your bag.... Oh! You're having a great night!
7. Just get on your hands and knees, and bob your head.
6. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.
5. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
4. Show me your Jujubes and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth...
2. You scared me stiff!
1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!
:pumpkin:
http://www.jar2.com/4/Dsktp/Funny/images/Pumpkin%20Butt.jpg

A woman went to the doctor's office. Where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you?

Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?

Timmy was a little five year old boy that his Mom loved very much and, being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school all by himself when he started kindergarten. She walked him to school the first few days, but one day he came home and asked if he could walk by himself. He wanted to be like the "big boys."

Not wanting to disappoint him, she decided to allow him to walk without her, via plan B (which consisted of recruiting a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, to repetitiously follow him to school, at a distance far enough behind him that he would not likely notice he was being followed, but close enough to keep a watch on him).

Mrs. Goodnest was agreeable, since she was up early with her own toddler anyway, and it would be a good way for them to get some exercise. So, the very next school day Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out to follow behind Timmy as he walked to school. Timmy was accompanied by another neighbor boy he knew.

As the boys walked to school each day, chatting, and kicking stones and twigs, the little friend of Timmy began to notice that a lady seemed to be following them every day.

"Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her?" he asked Timmy.

"Yea, I know who she is," Timmy replied

"Well who is she?"

"That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy said.

"Shirley Goodnest? Who the is she? Why is she following us?"

"Well," Timmy explained, "Every night Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm in my prayers 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in it the Psalm says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,' so I guess I'll just have to get used to it."

never question a drunk

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee and
a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her, with his 2 six packs of beer, watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly as $h*t".:theyareon

:wave:

Here's a one question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day...


There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a hammer, how should he express himself? Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...
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He opens his mouth and says, "I would like to buy a hammer."
If you got this wrong - please turn off your computer and call it a day.

The Halloween Party
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife got
a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He,
being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was
going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for him
to go and have a good time. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and
as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her
husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have
some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was
not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting
around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and
copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him
and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry
and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go
as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he
whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went
to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight,
she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time
he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good
time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there,
I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and
played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume
to sure had a real good time!" " :eek: :zip:

You Know You're A Teacher If...
1. You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
2. You find humor in other people's stupidity.
3. You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to
work from 8:00 to 3:20 and have summers free."
4. You believe chocolate is a food group.
5. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
6. You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the
report card.
7. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone
says, "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."
8. When out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at
children you do not know and correct their behavior.
9. You have no life between August and June.
10. When you mention "vegetables" you're not talking about a food
group.
11. You think people should be required to get a government
permit before being allowed to reproduce.
12. You wonder how some parents ever managed to reproduce.
13. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
14. You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without
having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.
15. You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would
"never dream" of doing your job.
16. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
17. You know you are in for a major project when a parent says,
"I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be
such fun."
18. You want to choke a person when he or she says, "Oh, you must
have such fun every day. This must be like playtime for you."
19. Meeting a child's parent(s) instantly answers the question,
"Why is this kid like this?"

Forgive me father...
A young woman goes to church to confess her sins to the priest.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." "Tell me all of your sins,
my daughter." "Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot,
passionate love to me seven times," she says. The priest thinks
about this long and hard, and says, "Take seven lemons and
squeeze the juice into a tall glass, and drink it." "Will this cleanse
my soul of my sins?" "No," the priest says, "but it'll wipe that smile
off your face!" :o

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to New York. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free."

A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he is going, he replies, "I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"

:claps:

You Know You're A Teacher If...
1. You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
2. You find humor in other people's stupidity.
3. You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to
work from 8:00 to 3:20 and have summers free."
4. You believe chocolate is a food group.
5. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
6. You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the
report card.
7. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone
says, "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."
8. When out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at
children you do not know and correct their behavior.
9. You have no life between August and June.
10. When you mention "vegetables" you're not talking about a food
group.
11. You think people should be required to get a government
permit before being allowed to reproduce.
12. You wonder how some parents ever managed to reproduce.
13. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
14. You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without
having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.
15. You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would
"never dream" of doing your job.
16. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
17. You know you are in for a major project when a parent says,
"I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be
such fun."
18. You want to choke a person when he or she says, "Oh, you must
have such fun every day. This must be like playtime for you."
19. Meeting a child's parent(s) instantly answers the question,
"Why is this kid like this?"

:claps: :amen:

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing
in the middle of a huge field of grass. Of course, the farmer is blond.
He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer
is just standing there, doing nothing and looking at nothing. The man
gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks, "Ah,
excuse me, mister, but what are you doing?" The farmer replies, "I'm
trying to win a Nobel Prize." "How?" asks the man, puzzled. "Well, I
heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing
in their field!""
:rolleyes:

Boudreaux was walking home late at night and sees a woman in
the shadows. "Twenty dollars..."she whispers. He'd never been with
a hooker before, but he decides, what the hell, it's Only twenty bucks.
So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" For a minute when
all of a sudden a light flashes on them . . it's a Police officer. "What's
going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to my
wife," Boudreaux answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the
cop, "I didn't know." "Well," Boudreaux says, "neither did I, until
you shined that light in her Face"!:theyareon

You find out interesting things when you have sons, like...

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft.
house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a
crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and
a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint
can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to th row the ball up a
few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a
long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a
baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's
already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed w ith Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even
though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certai n Lego's wi ll pass through the digestive tract of a 4-
year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same
sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you
still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool fi lters d o not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV
commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys
do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response
time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make
earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their
friends, with or without kids.

25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

*****Nail polish remover will burn carpet when poured on carpet and lit with a lighter, a wash cloth will help put out the flame and it will take 2-3 hours to get the boys to confess as to what happened. From experience......:proud:

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim's Grocery
Store. The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the
boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two
pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his
choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel --
they say because it's bigger. One day after Junior grabbed the nickel,
Tim got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making
fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the
nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" And
Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!" ;)

THE HOTEL BILL

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider
this...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After
almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and
they decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel
has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for
which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood
and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't t use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
"But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50." "That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."
__________________

This one will get me in trouble!



A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men.
The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

A woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my
last boyfriend, but I
wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and
help with the housework.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at "Husband Mart" and have a nice day.

This one will get me in trouble!



A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men.
The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

A woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my
last boyfriend, but I
wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and
help with the housework.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at "Husband Mart" and have a nice day.

A new wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

'nuff said ??? :wave:

A new wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

'nuff said ??? :wave:

See how easy to please we are, soooo shallow?


Hey, I'm looking for a 95 year old millionairess with a bad heart. They got those?




Second thought, she'd probably be the death of me---never mind

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try
to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is
not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the
full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the
bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a

FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into
the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the
urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes
both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
This is a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen,
do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.
This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK
OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have
just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be
avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it.
You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around
the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the
bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency
pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor
the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE
HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building
where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of
the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries
to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work.
this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that
you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to
cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The
Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will end all doubt that
the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an
Astaire.

UNCLE TED:
An Uncle Ted is a bathroom user who seems to linger around
forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of
the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax
while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the
bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom
attendees.

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, you might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results.
They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse?
What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday. :faint:

A woman is incomplete until she is married.
Then she is finished.
***

A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied,
"I don't know son, I'm still paying."
***

Young son:
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
A man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
***

Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
And by then, it was too late."
***

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence
***

If you want your spouse to listen and
Pay strict attention to every word you say,
Talk in your sleep.
***

Just think, if it weren't for marriage,
Men would go through life thinking
They had no faults at all.
***

First guy: "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
***

Women will never be equal to men
Until they can walk down the street with
A bald head and a beer gut,
And still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.
***



Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and
Only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the
Ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk,
And says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?
That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick,
We'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."
__________________

Last Wish

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.

"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts
laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says......



"Make 'em all ugly again."

Good one JayJay! :claps:
----------------------------

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant,
and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her
drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she
took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear
she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife,
" Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?":rolleyes:

Peg....:doh:

di griz you should be ashamed

Flo...:teeth:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. But if she's menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his butt while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected

Barb.......;)

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a
large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided
to nap against a tree. As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud
snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what
a Scotsman wears under his kilt." She boldly walked over to the sleeper,
raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said,
"Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!" She took off
her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's
endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of
nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly
tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where
y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"
:rolleyes:

A woman went to her shrink because she was having severe
problems in bed. The psychiatrist asked her many
questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her
problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's
face while making love?" "Well, yes, I actually did once."
"And how did your husband look?" "Angry, very angry." At this
point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere
and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this
further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your
husband's face once during love making; that seems somewhat
unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?"
"He was looking through the window at us!"
LOL

Gil... .

Matt..........

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had
been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and
walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They
were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their
business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had
nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw
them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear
set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a
large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to
wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home. The
next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and
said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came
home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other.
"Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of
her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station,
We'll never forget you!'"
:05:

Art....:proud:

Man in 80s goes to Doc for check up. Hard of hearing so he takes his wife in with him. Doc gets done with exam and says "you're in fine shape, all you need is some good home cookin and a lot of lovin". Old man says to wife
"what he say". Old woman says " HE SAID YOU'RE GONNA DIE".

A man takes the day off work and
decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he
notices a frog sitting next to
the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is
about to shoot when he
hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't
see anyone. Again, he
hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron.." He looks
at the frog and decides to
prove the frog wrong, puts the
club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the
cup. He is shocked. He says
to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog
with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the
man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one. The
man is befuddled and doesn't know
what to say. By the end
of the day, the man golfed the
best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.


" They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, "OK frog, now
what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon
approaching the roulette table, The man
asks, "What do you think I should
bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit
$3000, black 6."

Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the man
figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and
says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful."

The frog replies,

"Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not,
since after all the frog did for
him, he deserves it. With a
kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that,
your honor, is how the girl
ended up in my room. So help me God
or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
__________________

Share the Pain
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby
delivered. upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine
that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain
> transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably
more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husba! nd felt fine and asked the
> doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted
themachine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed
at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The
> husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was
> obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged
the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She
and her husband were ecstatic! ...How well it worked!
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*But ! When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the porch.

Man: Doctor, Doctor I have a red ring around my (insert words for male reproductive organ - MRO). What should I do????

Doc: Hmmm, curious indeed Let me take a look at it and see what I can do.

Two days later -

Man: Doctor, doctor I have two red rings around my MRO! What should I do?

Different Doc: Hmmm - I have heard of this condition before. Let me take a look at it to see what I can do.

One day later -

Man: Doctor, doctor I have three red rings around my MRO. What should I do?

Third Doc: I have treated this condition many times in my career. I have just the cure for you.

Man (with no red rings around his MRO): Thanks Doc, you're a genius. How did you cure me so quickly???

Doc: Simple -
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
I used lipstick remover.:wave:

Father Neil.....

Once there were two farmers. One had a daughter and the other
had a son. When their kids were teenagers they started dating, and
the two farmers encouraged it. One day the girl's father went over to
the other farmer's house and said that he didn't want their children
dating anymore. The boy's father asked, "Why not?" The other farmer
said, "Come here and I'll show you." In his yard was the girl's name
written in pee in the snow. The boy's father said, "Oh, come on, that's
just boy stuff." The other farmer said, "You think I don't' know my
own daughter's handwriting?" :rolleyes:

Jim..............:wave:

That was a good one Preco

A man is driving home, when he is pulled over by a patrolman
for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys' car and sees a
collection of knives in the backseat. "Sir," the cop says. "Why do
you have all those knives?" "They're for my juggling act," the man
says. "I don't believe you," says the cop. "Prove it." So the man gets
out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a
car with two guys in it drives by. "Man," says the first guy.
"I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard."

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

"Okay, honey" he says, "they're definitely coming for Thanksgiving ... and paying their own way."

Happy Turkey Day Spooffe People & Racoon

Happy Thanksgiving!

What??? Were you expecting a joke?

Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need
to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their
last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a
prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to
buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul
it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and
decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can
sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her
sister a telegram. She walks into the telegraph office,
and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that
I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our
pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her,
then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes
that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking
for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her
the word, comfortable.
" The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going
to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck
and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just
write, comfortable?" The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde.
She'll read it slowly." :05:

A married couple goes into a dentist's office. The husband is in
a big hurry. He says, "No expensive extras, Doc. No gas or
needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it
over with." "I wish more of my patients were as brave as you,"
the dentist says. "Now, which tooth is it?" The husband turns
to his wife and says, "Show him your tooth, honey." :eek::brushteeth:

Clay...:wave:

Bill.....:05:

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on
her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to
his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the
door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her
purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,
she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and
puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK :beer_yum::beer_yum:

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelicts intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly." :claps:

Here's a little toe tapper (http://i.euniverse.com/funpages/cms_content/6660/2008CC2.swf)...... :note:

:secret: BTW I think she's wearing Muff's outfit too! :eek:

e Administrator Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Queens, NY
Posts: 164

Walmart Joke

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists her husband go with her to Walmart, but he gets bored with all the shopping trips.

He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse.

Therefore, to liven things up Mr. Fenton decides to amuse himself. However, Walmart doesn't find it amusing.

Here's a letter sent to Mrs. Fenton --

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.

Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Walmart:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO ! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

And last, but not least ....

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Regards,

Walmart

That is too funny! Great joke!

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I
told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!

Well the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door,

the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly,
realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9
times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible
conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told
him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with
that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said "Oh ****," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Art....:wave:

I'm also available for kids parties, weddings and bar mitzvahs.

Dill....:05:

I'm also available to extremely rich men who are outrageously good looking

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, hung himself in the bathroom with his
bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

..Because its worth it.:bigok:

Did you know that the tooth brush was invented in Mississippi?

Anywhere else it would have been called a teeth brush. :)

Did you know that the tooth brush was invented in Mississippi?

Anywhere else it would have been called a teeth brush. :)
Sure it wasn't Kentucky? :theyareon




:p

:doh: I Am Napoleon
Late one night at the insane asylum, one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another patient asked, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "Because God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"

Not necessarily jokes, but.......

Darwin Awards

Here is the glorious Winner:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the Honorable Mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he sh ot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harareto Bulawayohad escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, an d run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

******A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*****

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle Street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Santa... .

:doh:
A Poisonous Wife
A man goes to see his Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asks, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
The next day the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone yesterday for over three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously answers, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

....Pearl....

Yep (you know it's coming)







Wait for it..................







Wait for it....................







Get ready...







Rudolph....

Christmas Carols for the Psychologically Challenged



1 . Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2 . Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are

3 . Amnesia --- I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire
Hydrants and ...

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open
Fire


8 . Full Personality Disorder-- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm
Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why

9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells,
Jingle Bells ..

10. Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't
Leave My
House

11. Senile Dementia --- Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House
in My Slippers and Robe

12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I
Burned Down the House

13. Social Anxiety Disorder --- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
While
I Sit Here and Hyperventilate.

Old, but still funny:
Welcome to the mental health hotline ...

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the
line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the
mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you
which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no
one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a
representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone
number, date of birth, Social Security number and your mother's maiden
name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and
c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or
before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked. "No, I don't." "Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size." She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing. "What's so funny?" he asked. "I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

Christmas Cake Recipe
You'll need the following:1 cup Water 1 cup Sugar 4 Large
Brown Eggs 2 cups Dried Fruit 1 teaspoon Salt 1 cup Brown Sugar
Lemon Juice Nuts 1 Bottle of Whisky

Sample the whisky to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again.
To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a
large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whisky is still OK.

Cry another Tup. Tune up the mixer.Beat two eggs and add to the bowl.
Chuck in the cup of dried fruit.Mix on the turner. If the fired druit gets
stuck in the beaterers, pry it goose with a drewscriver. Sample the whisky
to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something.
Who cares? Check the whisky.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon
the sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whisky again and go to bed

TOP 8 MORONS OF 2006

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded
himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun,
kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different
automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to
withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was
too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter
himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a
robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup.
When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words:
"Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "that's not
what I said!".

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the
phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!"
the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
(hellooooooo)!
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella,
located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some
folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard
they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going.
It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much
power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go,
they put into a nearby marina, thinking someone there, may be able to tell them what was wrong.

A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

http://www.lukasland.com/humour/Visual-Nice/Christmas-01/Whip.jpg:o

Bubba Claus
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please
read the following carefully: I regret to inform you that, effective immediately,
I will no longer be able to serve the southern United States on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the Earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve
only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, and Michigan.
As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk
and cookies. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands
with your local replacement, which happens to be my third cousin,
Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares
my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there
are a few differences between us.

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.
He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads, "These
toys insured by Smith & Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave a
cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't
smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit
can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' raccoon
dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of
my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's
fireplace!"

:claps: HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER!
You don't even have to be a Mother to enjoy this one...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the
meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful
Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was.

Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian
and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of
the evening, while watching the two react, she started to wonder if there
was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye. Reading his mom's
thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I
assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I' ve been unable to find the beautiful silver
gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well,
I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.

So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mom: I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the
house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the
fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son: I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, I'm not
saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that
if Stephanie is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy
ladle by now.
Love, Mom

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table
and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"



but why have you only ordered beer all evening?"







The third piggy says -

















"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"
__________________

Why some parents drink

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello?"

"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No"

Surprised and wanting to talk to an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, The boss asked, "Is there anybody else there?"

"Yes, " whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"


"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly
Apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:

"ME."

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter
at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set
of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his
pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
"And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

:clown: :teeth: A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for awhile, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready
for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere. Four of
his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as
fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure
of being behind schedule. Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her mom was
coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to
harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give
birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress. When he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards
cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, scattering the toys. So,
frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and
a shot of whisky. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that
the elves hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration,
he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of
little pieces. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten
the straw it was made from. Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa
cussed his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little
angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully,
"Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have this beautiful
tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it? Thus began the
tradition of the little angel atop the Christmas tree :05:

Ten Signs You Are Not Getting A Christmas Bonus

10. Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future"
9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial
8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips
7. What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply closet"
6. Boss's Christmas card says, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out"
5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants
4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under an avalanche of stolen office supplies
3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw
2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "terrible" appeared 78 times
1. You're the starting quarterback for the Cleveland Browns

Good one Preco,

No Gift This Year

One year, a particular husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a gift one christmas.
He decided to purchase a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift for her.

The mother-in-law thought it was quite strange but she just thought that she would not have to buy one when the time comes.

So the next year comes around and the husband did not buy her a gift this time.

When she asked him why, he replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

Q: What is the last thing each Tickle Me Elmo doll receives before he leaves the factory?

A: Two Test Tickles :clown:

Ways to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer.

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Bubba".

4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

And, The Number One Way To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer...

The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car, making love?"

"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face! and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says.."I would have gotten out today.":34:

Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty at Xmas
1.Did you get any under the tree?
2. I think your balls are hanging too low.
3. Check out Rudolph's honker!
4. Santa's sack is really bulging.
5. Lift up the skirt so I can get a whiff.
6. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
7. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.
8. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.
9. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
10. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.. :o

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and we decided to get married.
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one thing was my fiance's younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was 20 years old, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. Once my girlfriend announced our plans, her sister would regularly bend down near me and I enjoyed many pleasant views. It had to be deliberate -- I didn't notice her doing this near anyone else.
One day the sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived and whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me -- just once -- before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door, stepped out of the house, and began walking toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!"
The moral of the story?
Be smart, like me. Always keep your condoms in your car.

Top 10 things to say about a Christmas gift you don't like:
10. Hey! There's a gift!
9. Well, well, well...
8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes that would've fit.
7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season
though. There are lots of unexplained fires.
5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
2. To think -- the year I vowed to give all my gifts I got to charity.
And the No. 1 Thing to say about a Christmas gift you don't like:
1. "I really don't deserve this."..

**Ok, this might be posted in this thread somewhere, but I'm not going back to look for it.........

And so I dedicate this to my gal pal & sole sista..........Clubby :teeth: :cocktail: :hug:

Just in time for New Year's lol....

WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH...........

1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.

2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING
OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE
MOVE AROUND.

3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S ASS
AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.

4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK
MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE
JUST FOUR HOURS AGO

5. WE ST ART CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE
LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.

6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A
NEW SONG PLAY'S BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"

7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING
NEXT TO US.

8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD
AT IT.

9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY
GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN
NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.

10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY
LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?)

11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT
ON IT.

12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR
FAULT THAT WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.:doh:
__________________

:claps: it was worth repeating :claps:

now, where's my purse...

A little girl and her mother were out and about.

Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.

The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.

The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

Closing Thoughts For 2006

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

14. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.

15. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

25. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

26. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

27. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. . . it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Barb....:teeth:

The police recently busted a man selling 'secret formula'
tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth
time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical
fraud.

He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983.

Tight Skirt, Bus Stop
One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who
was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it
was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight
she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she
reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not
reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip
it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and
unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on
the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she
still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind
her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the
first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said,
"How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and
unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were
friends.":doh:

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the
middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from
it at night." So they created a night watchman position and
hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job
without instruction?" So they created a planning department
and hired two people, one person to write the instructions,
and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is
doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality
Control department and hired two people. One to do the
studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"
So they created the following positions: a time keeper, and
a payroll officer. They then hired two more people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of
these people?" So they created an administrative section and
hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant
Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation
for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must
cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

And that's how government works.

12 y/o Scotch
A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old
scotch. The bartender thinks "this guy doesn't know the difference,"
so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch. The patron takes one sip
and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender I said 12-year
old scotch, you bozo!" Still unimpressed the bartender pours some
6-year old scotch. The patron takes a sip...same reaction. But the
bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference.
So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from
the patron. Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron
a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most
satisfied. All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of
the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to
the patron and drunkedly says: "Shay mishter, tashte this!"
The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out. "That tastes like pee!,
" he shoots back at the drunk. The drunk replies: "It ish.
Now how old am I?"

Two Hunters

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN? ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING THE INCIDENT.

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00). He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin. It's mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR. They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on.

Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator) decide on the following course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.



Remember a couple paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...? Lets talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.



The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.



The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator. The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.



Then '''''''''''''BOOOOOOOOOOOOM'''''''''''!!!!!!!



The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces. The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still has yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments.

Two Hunters

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN? ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING THE INCIDENT.




:hmmmm2: Sounds a bit familiar....http://www.snopes.com/critters/cruelty/dynamite.asp



**But funny anyway!**

Cookie.........

*highlight to reveal answer

Did you know that diarreah is hereditary? Yup, it runs through your jeans (genes lol)







Why do they call it PMS? Cause Mad Cow disease was already taken.

Very funny, viper_dan!


A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20 lb. program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while before he can continue, so for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day, 50 lb.program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door, and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."

A woman is standing in front of the mirror pouting. She says that her breasts are too small, expecting her husband to say, "no theyre not." But instead, he uncharacteristically offers advice. He tells her to take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between her breasts a couple of times every day. "If you keep doing it, theyll get bigger over time." So she figures it cant hurt and gets the tissue and starts rubbing it between her breasts. Feeling silly, she asks him, "do you really think this will work?". The husband replied, "It worked for your ass, didnt it?"

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

A boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper was down and his fly area is wide open. His secretary walked up to him and said "Boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?"

This was not a phrase that her boss understood, so he went into his office looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done with his paperwork he suddenly noticed that his zipper was not zipped up. He zipped up and remembering what his secretary had told him, he finally understood .

Then he intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary. When he reached her desk, he said "When you saw the garage door open did you see my Hummer parked in there?".

The secretary smiled for a moment and said "No, Sir , I didn't. All I saw was a Mini Cooper with 2 flat tires".

Bunny.....:teeth:

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish = 49

Adventurous = Slept with everyone

Athletic = No tits

Average looking = Ugly

Beautiful = Pathological liar

Contagious Smile = Does a lot of pills

Emotionally secure = On medication

Feminist = Fat

Free spirit = Junkie

Friendship first = Former very *friendly* person

Fun = Annoying

New Age = Body hair in the wrong places

Open-minded = Desperate

Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate = Sloppy drunk

Professional = *****

Voluptuous = Very Fat

Large frame = Hugely Fat

Wants Soul mate = Stalker

A WOMAN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = you're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = you better not

8. Do what you want later = you will pay for this

9. I am not upset you moron! = Of course I am upset, you moron!

10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces

attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with

rugged, masculine features.

However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and

set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved

up his backside. :)

WINTER BLONDE!!

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.


The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.


When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.


Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Kevin. It's winter in Utah and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

Ralph......

Will .

Bob .


Yes, I'm going to hell for that:worry:

Matt...............:doh:

I thought Matt was a quadrapalegic doorman.

I thought Matt was a quadrapalegic doorman.

That was Art who fell off the wall....:rolleyes:

What do you do with a dog with no legs?


Take him for a drag.

1) Did you fart, cause you blew me away.

2) Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.

3) My Love for you is like diarrhea .. I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

6) If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.

7) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a
light switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went
into this cheap motel room.

11) Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until
the afternoon.

and.... the best for last!

13) Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts
tighten up.

I like 5, 9, 10, and 13

Redneck foreplay:

"Get in the truck!"

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played , or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

A Case For Drinking More Beer
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and
when the herd is hunted, the slowest and weakest ones at the back
are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole
because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps
improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much
the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills
brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain
cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the
weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient
machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

In most of the United States, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop down to single digits or below. About 3 AM, one very cold morning, Trooper Allan Nixon #658 responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Shattuck . He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the Trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on he seat beside him. The driver came awake when the Trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the State Trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into 'drive' and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning. Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding, but still stationary car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the Trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the Trooper yelled, "Pull over!" The man obeyed, turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Needless to say, the man from Dumas, Texas was arrested, and is probably still shaking his head over the State Trooper in Oklahoma who could run 50 miles per hour." Who says Trooper's don't have a sense of humor?

Redhead and the Doctor
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says
that her body hurts wherever she touches it. Impossible!" says the
doctor "Show me." The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her
left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams
in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise
she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches
makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead,
are you?" "Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so,
" the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have
one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Yesterday, after extensive testing, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones... yes, it's true.

To prove their theory, the scientists had 100 men consume 12 bottles of beer.

They then observed that 100% of them:
1: Gained weight.
2: Talked excessively without making sense.
3: Became emotional.
4: Called home just to see if anyone called.
5: Couldn't drive.
6: Went to the bathroom in groups.
7: Rearranged the furniture for no apparent reason.

No further testing is planned.

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS

This is priceless! (and was actually reported by a teacher).



After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their

holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They

used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they

moved to Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted

green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear

nametags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a

building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed

because it is okay now, and! do exercises there, but they don't do them

very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with

hats on. At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man

sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape!

Sometimes they sneak out. They go cruising in their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing

every night. Early Birds. Some of the people can't get out past the

man in the dollhouse. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the

wrecked center and call it pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa

worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard

so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to

be the man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out so they can

visit their grandchildren.:05:

Turn Signals
A guy and his blonde girlfriend are driving to the movies one night
for a date. As the guy was making a right turn, he noticed his turn
signal light inside the car didn't light up at all. So as he approached
the next right turn, he asked his girlfriend to please stick her head
out the window and tell him if his turn signal is working. She happily
obliges and at the turn she sticks her head out the window and
replies, "It is... It isn't... It is... It isn't... It is... It isn't."":p

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment".
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect".


He never heard the shot............

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment".
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect".


He never heard the shot............

Someone explain to me how that was HIS fault! :mad:

A woman walked up to the branch manager of a bank.
"Are you hiring any help?" she asked.
"No," he said. "We already have all the help we need."

"In that case, would you mind trying to find someone to help me in the safe deposit area?" she asked.


- - - - - -- - - --

Mandy's husband, Wes, was called into his bank to discuss his accounts.
"Your finances are in terrible shape." the banker stated. "Your checking accuont is overdrawn and your loan is overdue."

"Yes, I know." said Wes "It's my wife; she is out of control."

"Why do you allow your wife to spend more money that you have?" asked the banker.

"Frankly," replied Wes with a deep sigh. "Because I would rather argue with you than her."

Someone explain to me how that was HIS fault! :mad:

Silly Squirrell....it's always 'his' fault...*shakes head*...:rolleyes:

*BTW..the definition of a 'squirrell..is a tree dwelling rodent....:eek:*

A friend of mine sent me this joke :rofl:


Anger Management~

Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet bowl for hours.

Husband: How does that help?

Wife: I use your toothbrush. :rofl:

A friend of mine sent me this joke :rofl:


Anger Management~

Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet bowl for hours.

Husband: How does that help?

Wife: I use your toothbrush. :rofl:
:bigok: he he he :rolleyes:

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

One day, a man was sitting at a bar in Chicago. He looks over and sees
this guy who looks exactly like him. He says to the other guy, "Hey, you
look just like me!" The other man agrees and asks, "Where are you from?"
The first guy answers, "Chicago." "Me too!" says the second guy,
"What street do you live on?" "49th Street," answers the first guy.
"Me too!" says the second guy, becoming increasingly excited.
"What's your address?" "951." "Me too! Wow, this is incredible! What
are your parents' names?" "John and Cathy," says the first guy.
"Me too!" shouts the second guy. "I wonder if we're related?"
Meanwhile, the bartenders are changing shifts and the one whose
shift is about to start asks if anything is new. "No," says the first
bartender, "just the Smith twins, drunk again.""

Would be funnier if you made it two blondes instead.

"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to
call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message
after the Beep. If I do not return your call, You are one of the
changes."

One night at the dinner table, the Bob's wife commented,
"When we were first married, you took the small piece of
steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and
leave me the smaller; I'm not sure you love me any more."

"Nonsense, darling," replied Bob. "You just cook better now."

The happy day was here and June’s baby was born.

June’s son was a remarkable baby and was born with the gift of perfect speech and advanced intelligence. All the doctors and nurses were amazed at this wonder.

As the baby snuggled in his mother’s arms, he said “Thank you mother for eating the right foods, exercising properly and taking good care of me for the nine months.

He motioned the doctor over and said “Doctor Casey, I want to thank you for such a perfect job in bringing me into this world.”

To the nurses, he said “Thank each and every one of you for your caring and tenderness.” The baby made sure he thanked everyone in the room.

“Now, I have a special thank you for my father. Please move closer”

As the Dad got within the baby’s reach, the baby poked his father in the left eye! “Ouch” cried the Father. – then the baby jabbed his finger in his father’s right eye! “Damn” – the baby then proceeded to poke, jab, stick his finger all about his Father’s face.

“Stop it! Why are you doing this to me? You thanked everyone in the room and all I get is smacked. Why?” asked the Dad.

“Now you know what it feels like.” Was the reply.

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and
being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?
"Breast-fed,"she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both
breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby
is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

A Dog's Diary
7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
8 am - Oh boy! Breakfast! My favorite!
9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mommy / Daddy! My favorite!
7 pm - Oh boy! Kisses and Hugs! My favorite!
8 pm - Oh boy! Dinner! My favorite!
9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!
10 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!

A Cat's Diary
Day 768 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meats and green leafy vegetables, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Maybe I should try this at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. I must try this on their bed.
I decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little kitty cat I was. This is not working according to plan.
Late in the evening there was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food.
More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing something called "allergies." I must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced that the other captives here are flunkies and maybe snitches.
The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.
The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He speaks with them regularly, and I am certain he reports my every move.
Due to his current placement in the small barred room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait. It's only a matter of time..........:cat:

I know I havent contributed much, and I hate to criticize, but arent there any new jokes? I've either read or heard almost all the most recent jokes posted.

I know I havent contributed much, and I hate to criticize, but arent there any new jokes? I've either read or heard almost all the most recent jokes posted.
I know better than that....:rolleyes:


:clown: :rofl:

I know I havent contributed much, and I hate to criticize, but arent there any new jokes? I've either read or heard almost all the most recent jokes posted.

I know better than that....:rolleyes:


:clown: :rofl:

Squid gets the prize for the best joke in recent posts!

I shouldve clarified.. I do like to criticize, but I dont want to criticize you guys posting the jokes.

We knew what you meant, but do you expect us to ignore a target that big?

Hey, it just shows we care about ya

I dont blame you bit. I'm pretty easy to care about. I'm awesome.

I dont blame you bit. I'm pretty easy to care about. I'm awesome.

Sort of like....a pet rock?

Oh, that would be care for........:doh: ....my bad...:flowers: or would you rather a man pic?

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
One day they met up and discussed the gifts they were able
to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house
for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with
a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat.
You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you
know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable
parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church
12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name
the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it." Soon thereafter,
the mother sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one
son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I
have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to another,
"I am too old to travel any more. I spend most of the time at home,
so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest
Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to
know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

Just like a parent, can't be happy, gotta gripe!

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took s o long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid ***** was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car.

Interesting. This is close to the reason that I am going to name my next dog 'Grandma" if its a girl and 'Grandpa' if its a boy.

I cant wait to tell people that I have to take Grandma to the vet for her shots. Or that Grandpa likes Pedigree over Purina. Or about how I discipline them by swatting them on the nose with a paper towel roll. Its going to be awesome.

Interesting. This is close to the reason that I am going to name my next dog 'Grandma" if its a girl and 'Grandpa' if its a boy.

I cant wait to tell people that I have to take Grandma to the vet for her shots. Or that Grandpa likes Pedigree over Purina. Or about how I discipline them by swatting them on the nose with a paper towel roll. Its going to be awesome.

You are sick.



I like that in a person.

Grandma finished her cat food, I need to get her more! :rofl:

You really need to muzzle Grandpa, he keeps biting all the neighbors and pooping on their front lawns, not to mention getting half the neighborhood pregnant! :rolleyes:

No. Grandma will not eat cat food. Grandma will be a dog. I will not have a pet cat. I hate cats. Cats suck. The only cat food I will ever serve will be a cat, to my dogs, as food.

I dont think that muzzling Grandpa will keep him from pooping on the lawns though.

Jesus walks upon a crowd with an adulteress crouching in a corner with a mob around her preparing to stone her to death.

Jesus stops them and says, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!"

Suddenly a woman at the back of the crowd fires off a stone at the adulteress and blasts her right in the head.

At which point Jesus looks over and says... "Mother! Sometimes you really TICK ME OFF!"

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door (nose height).

Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food Please note, placing a paw print in the
middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food
and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is
not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and
having tongues hanging out the other end to
maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under
the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline
attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I
cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur" niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who
is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children

THATS MY STORY AND I'M STICKING TO IT


The Seamstress

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting
close to a river,her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the
Lord appearedand asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into
the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a
living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a
golden thimble set with pearls.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a
silver thimble ringed with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.


Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather
thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave
her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her
husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and
disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with
George Clooney.

"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord It is a
misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you
would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you
would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you
would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health
and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S
why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's
for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed,
All Us Women

Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this
one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Graying hair adds attraction.

Wedding dress~$5000. Tux rental~$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

"Johnny," said the teacher, "If coal is selling at $6 a ton
and you pay your dealer $24, how many tons will he bring
you?"

"A little over three tons, ma'am," answered Johnny.

"Why, Johnny, that isn't right," said the teacher.

"No, ma'am, I know it isn't," said Johnny, "but they all
do it."

Does this mean that the coal dealer is a woman?

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in
a little Pennsylvania town. One day, he was walking down Main
Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation
sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was
sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do.
He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the
woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place
for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald
stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.
The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he
grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost
their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few
seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her
skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said,
"Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar.
" The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't
understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded, "Well, if you're
that far into the game, you may as well finish!"

:rofl: I had to read that last part twice...:eek:

:dog:Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans

1. Blaming your farts on me...
not funny... not funny at all !!!

2.. Yelling at me for barking..
I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk,
then not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves
balancing food on my nose...
stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.
You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo
what a proud moment for the top of the
food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip",
then acting surprised when I freak out
every time we go back!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9.Dog sweaters.
Hello ???,
Haven't you noticed the fur?

10.. How you act disgusted
when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth,
you're just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these thing's,
We both know who's boss here!!!
You don't see me picking up your poop
do you ??? :dog:

The Italian and the Ferrari
An Italian walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian hands over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank.

The Italian produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Italian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi- millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Italian replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Fun with Blondes
A blonde gets a dent in her car and takes it to the repair shop.
The repairman, noticing that the woman is blonde, decides to
have a wee bit of fun. So he tells her that all she has to do is
take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent pops itself
out. After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend comes
over and asks what she is doing. "I'm trying to pop out this dent,
but it's not really working." "Duh. You have to roll up the
windows first!":doh:

A man went to the market this last week to buy Valentines' cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him.

He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have cards for ex-spouses."

The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes sir, they do have an 'ex' category, but they're in Sporting Goods."

"Really?"

"Yes sir...they're called bullets!":wave:

Cover Charge: $15.00
Round of Drinks: $23.00
Table Dance: $30.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Couch Dance and Tips: $50.00
A Round of Shots: $34.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
Private Dance and Hotel Room: $500.00
Sending her on her way without having to cuddle or listen to her:

...........PRICELESS!

Cover Charge: $15.00
Round of Drinks: $23.00
Table Dance: $30.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Couch Dance and Tips: $50.00
A Round of Shots: $34.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
Private Dance and Hotel Room: $500.00
Sending her on her way without having to cuddle or listen to her:

...........PRICELESS!

Is that how you got into the dog house...? :dog:

A guy walks into a post office one day and sees a middle-aged, balding
man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on
bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a
perfume bottle and starts spraying the scent all over them. His curiosity
getting the better of him, he approaches the balding man and asks him
what he's doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards
signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer,"
the man replies.

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday.

His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a gathering of humor
editors, and his host naturally broached the subject in
which the doctor was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," he asked, "how you
detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears
completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple
question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he
hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips
around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"

The editor thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh,
"You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I
must confess I don't know much about history."

OK, be honest. If you don't know the answer you can ask.:teeth:

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that

visibility was almost

zero when the little

blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and

wondered how she was

going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought

about her

situation.



She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she

got caught in a

blizzard she should wait for

a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she

would not get stuck in a

snow drift. This made

her feel much better and sure enough in a little

while a snow plow went by

and she started to

follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was

feeling very smug as they

continued and she was

not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After an hour had

passed, she was somewhat

surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver

got out and came back to

her car and signaled

for her to roll down her window.



The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all

right as she had been

following him for a long

time.She said that she was fine and told him of her

daddy's advice to

follow a snow plow when

caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was

ok with him and she

could continue if she

wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot

and was going over to

Sears next.

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Brian told
his best friend Mike."Why not add some intrigue to your life, and have an
affair?" his friend suggested."But what if my wife finds out?""Heck, we
are almost on the beginning of the 21st century, Brian. Go ahead and
tell her about it!"So Brian went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair
will bring us closer together.""Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried
that many times - it never worked."

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented
him on how athletic and well preserved he appeared.

"I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "My wife and I
were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn
pledge."

"Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside
and take a walk." he explained.

"Gentlemen," he said, "I have been walking in the open air day after
day for some 75 years now."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said,
"Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces,
"Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know -
you left your Injun running..."

"A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a questionand tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from A large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared The daylights out of me." The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied,
"No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in,
but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it
takes a while to warm them up again.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often
over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under their ass

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he
just keeps trying . :tongue:

The front door was accidentally left open and our
dog was gone.After unsuccessfully whistling and calling, my husband got
in the car and went looking for him.He drove around the neigbourhood
for some time with no luck.Finally he stopped beside a couple out for a
walk and asked if they had seen our dog."You mean the one following your
car?" they asked.

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?"

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store... I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.

She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw

Prize Winning Toast
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the
rest of me life, between the legs of me beautiful wife!" That won him
the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home
and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the
night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John
said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day,
Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told
me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there
twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I
had to pull him by the ears to make him come."