This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off:

"A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments,
"See! That was more than 5 times a month!"

The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."

Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month.
What do YOU say to that?!"

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!"

The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells,
"That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"

The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back, "Sure, once a day!
But ask the announcer if they were all with the same fat cow!!"

Sheer Lingerie
A husband walks into Fredrick's of Arkansas to
purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several
possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer,
the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the
$500 and take the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and
asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs,
the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well
be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it
tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself." So she appears
naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says,
"Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

Now, she probably got mad, but if you analyze his response and the underlying mental image which drove it, he gave her quite a complement.

A blonde walked up to the information desk in a hospital and
asked to see the "upturn". "I think you mean the 'intern', don't
you?" asked the nurse on duty. "Yes," said the girl. "I want to
have a contamination." "You mean 'examination,'" the nurse
corrected her. "Well I want to go to the fraternity ward, anyway."
"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward." To which the girl
replied: "Upturn, intern; contamination, examination; fraternity,
maternity... what's the difference? All I know is I haven't
demonstrated in two months and I think I'm stagnant.
:stupid:

ld Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a
very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time,
Abraham would go out the back of his shop and eat his black
bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming
from the restaurant's kitchen.
One day Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from the
restaurant for "Enjoyment of food." He decided to go to the
restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from
them.
The manager's response was, "You're enjoying our food, so
you should pay us for it."
Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the
hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their
side of the case.
The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits
outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It
is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food
and we deserve to be compensated for it."
The judge turned to Abraham and asked, "What do you have to
say to that?"
Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket
and rattled the few coins he had inside.
"What is the meaning of that?" asked the judge.
Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with
the sound of my money."

There were two old men living in the backwoods of New Jersey
.... Rufus and Clarence.
They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each
other. Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence
would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at
each other.
"Rufus!!" Clarence would shout.
"You better thank yor lucky stars I cain't swim .... or I'd swim
this river and whup your behind!!"
"Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back.
"You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I cain't swim ....
or I'd swim this river and whup your skinny behind!!!"
This happened every morning for twenty years.
One day the Army Corps of Engineers comes along and built a
bridge.
Still, every morning, every day for another five years this
yelling across the river goes on, even with the bridge.
Finally .... Mrs. Rufus had had enough.
"Rufus!" she squallers one day. "I cain't take no more!!
Every day for 25 years you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence.
Well, there's the bridge .... have a go at it."
Rufus thought for a moment.
Chewed his bottom lip for another moment.
"Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place,
"I'm gonna cross that thar bridge and I'm gonna whup Clarence's
behind!!!"
He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank,
came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge,
walked about halfway over the bridge, looked up .....
TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE
DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DOVE, PANTING
AND GASPING, UNDER THE BED!!!!!
"Rufus!" cried the misses.
"I thought you wuz gonna whup Clarence's behind!!!"
"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.
"Rufus!" cried the misses. "What in tarnation is the matter?"
"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, " I went to the
bridge .... I stepped up on the bridge .... walked halfway over
the bridge .... looked up ...."
"And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense.
"And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said ....
"Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches" .... he ain't never looked that
big from the other side of the river" !!!

There were two old men living in the backwoods of New Jersey
.... Rufus and Clarence....

I didn't know you knew about Rufus & Clarence.

They'd be right happy that you wrote about them. Them being from Salem County (in the shadow of the tower) they don't get any internet.:yo:

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!"

In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.

In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply."But I have a crew of engineers laying sod across the street.

Well played, Digriz.

Q. How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
A. There's a big wheel parked outside his house.

Q. Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?
A. She wants to be the first lady.

Q. What's Bill Clinton's idea of safe sex?
A. When Hillary is out of town.

Q. What's green and smells like Monica Lewinsky?
A. The pool table in the oval office.

"Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's fu****g Goofy!"

Joyce woke up FEISTY this morning

Joyce woke up FEISTY this morning


:rofl: :rofl: I just found this really great joke site that's all..I'm still the same innocent Joyce!! :)

:rofl: :rofl: I just found this really great joke site that's all..I'm still the same innocent Joyce!! :)

Innocent? :rolleyes: :doh: :angel:

Innocent? :rolleyes: :doh: :angel:

What about "boring"!!??:)

What about boring!!??:)

Ok, that too! :yawn:

Ladies, since you're having a little 'spat', this ones for you:

Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood (one of whom was
from Georgia) were conversing on the porch swing of a large
white-pillared mansion. The first woman, who was not from
Georgia, said, "When my first child was born, my husband
built this beautiful mansion for me."
The Georgia lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born,
my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see
parked in the drive."
Again, the Georgian lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born,
my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Georgian lady commented, "Well, isn't that
nice?"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your
husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
The Georgian lady replied, "My husband sent me to charm school."
"Charm school!" the first woman cried, "What on Earth for?"
The Georgian lady responded, "So that instead of saying,
'Who gives a care' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'"

Painter An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any
interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news
and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman
inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value
after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your
paintings." "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad
news?" With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was
your doctor."
;)

I just got my new Lexus RX400H and returned to the dealer the
next day complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio
worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice
activated "Watch this." He said "Nelson!" The Radio replied,
"Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he continued, and "On The Road Again" came from the
speakers. I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every
time I'd say "Beethoven!" I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I
said "Beatles!" I'd get one of their songs. Etcetera, etc., and etc.

One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car,
but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled "A$$H**ES!".

The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda
and Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on
drums, Bill Clinton on sax, and Ted Kennedy on booze.
Man, I LOVE this car!:driver:

I think it shoulda been a duet with Dubya and Cheney, with backup by Rumsfeld.

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.

"How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks sweetly.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you?
Can't I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?"

At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself...
"Well, I guess it's that time of the month!"

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with
her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through
the entrance. She's dressed in dirty jeans, a greasy t-shirt with holes
in it and wearing flip-flops exposing her cracked and filthy toenails.
When she yells at the kids, she exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth
with more than a few missing.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice
children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they
ain't! The oldest one, He's 9 and the younger one, She's 7. Why the
Hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look
alike?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe someone had sex
with you twice."

A South Carolina farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."

Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"

"No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time,

"Danny, did you have an accident?"

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

This one is for everyone who ....

a) has kids,

b) had kids,

c) was a kid,

d) knows a kid

e) is going to have kids



I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers
in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending
To eat them. I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.


"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted,

"Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

Oh yeah?"said Charlie "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken sh**" ---------------

http://www.utfp.org/hqbb/images/smilies/holiday/irish.gif

One morning a kindergarten Teacher said to her class of 5-year-olds,
"I'll give $5 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

A little Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."
The Teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a little Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.
Andrew." The Teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."

Finally, a little Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus
Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin. Come up here and
I'll give you the $5."

As the Teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know,
Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said 'Jesus Christ'."

Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart, I knew it was Moses, but business
is business."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him..

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.


A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp.

When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big a** and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big a** and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

:claps: :rofl: :claps:

:yo: :wave:

A little boy goes to his father and asks

"Daddy, how was I born?" The father

answers: "Well son, I guess one day

you will need to find out anyway! Your

Mom and I first got together in a chat

room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date

via e-mail with your Mom and we met

at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a

secluded room, where your mother

agreed to a download from my hard

drive. As soon as I was ready to upload,

we discovered that neither one of us had

used a firewall, and since it was too late

to hit the delete button, nine months later

a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

Scroll Down

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You got Male
:preggers:

An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over...

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course" slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening".
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf!"
:yo:

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthily examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."

Murphy, saddened and shocked by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints.

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventual approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.

He told his friends "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?"

Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone!"

so I says, "can I speaks to me friend who works in the outdoor department? His name is Patty, Patty O'Furniture...."

Yeah I know it's lame, it's getting harder and I'm getting desparate...

Why didn't the skeletons play music in church?


Because they don't have organs....:p

Marriage - Part I

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want
and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner
to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with
my oldbuddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those
are my rules.

Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just
understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night
.......... whether you're here or not."

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their
40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the
breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in
bed either," and storms out of the house.

After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make
amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings,
and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the
phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother
of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's
time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as
well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of
Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were
giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man
realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at
5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the
first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find
it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was
9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go
and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of
paper by the bed.. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth."It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse!

It's called Bunk Beds!" " and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you"

T.G.I.F. vs S.H.I.T
A business man got on an elevator. When he entered,there
was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked puzzled, and
repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly. He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest
smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F." The man smiled back
to her and once again, "S-H-I-T." The exasperated blonde finally
decided to explain, "'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.'
Get it duuhhh?" The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means "Sorry, Honey,
It's Thursday"
:doh:

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one swoop.

"Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. Whats up with you?" says the bartender.

"Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best friend in bed with each other!"

"Thats terrible pal, the next drink is on the house." So the bartender gives him another triple scotch and again he gulps it down. "If you don't mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?"

"I told her I've had enough and I want a divorce!"

"Good for you! You said the right thing. So what did you say to your best friend?"

"Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said... ...BAD DOG!"

Don't Wake My Parents
A girl brought her boyfriend home late one night. With her
parents being asleep in bed, she asked him to be quiet.
So when he said he was desperate to use the bathroom, rather
than send him upstairs and risk waking her parents, she told
him to use the kitchen sink instead. A few minutes later, he
popped his head around the door. "Have you finished?" she
whispered. "Yeah," he said. "Have you got any paper?


Ewwwww! :eek:

Who Says Men Forget Anniversaries

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we
first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember
when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in
my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

:doh: "I would have gotten out today." :34:

**Might be a re-post** :rofl:

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart

Covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the

eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then

closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.



At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes

Stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ... I'm

A gynecologist."



That's when the proctologist fainted.

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Jones, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.
Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Jones said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!" said Mr. Jones, overcome by emotion.
Remembering what the cop had said, he asked, "So what's the good news?"

"Well," said the cop, "when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news, then what's the great news!?!" he asked.

And the cop replied...
"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!"

Finally,a definition of globalization I can understand and to which I can relate
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling),
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

This was sent to me by an Canadian,

using Bill Gates's technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer,
that use Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian lorry-drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

That, my friends, is Globalization!

Happy St. Patrick's Day.........Shorty.:doh:

First Time Sex

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he Takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.

He tells the pharmacist it's is first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to now about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy,
it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the do or. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist. :doh:

:p

You Know You're in New York City When...

1. Nuns walk down the street carrying automatic weapons.
2. You can run into the corner deli and have an eat-in lunch with dessert in the time it takes to cross the intersection of 8th and 42nd at rush hour.
3. A flying saucer can pass overhead and you hear the locals say, "Ack. More damned aliens."
4. The aroma of smoked meat is able to counteract the smell of smog and pollution.
5. The priest in the cadillac behind you gives you the finger for cutting him off.
6. You pass a convenience store advertising "Free green cards, no questions asked."
7. The gas station attendants actually speak English.
8. The unearthly pounding of the cranked up bass in the El Camino next to you is drowned out by the cabshonking their horns.
9. A person with rainbow striped hair can pass bywithout anyone staring.
10. The bumper sticker on the senior citizen's car in front of you reads, "Warning: I break for pedestrians."

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day they were walking past the hospital swimming
pool. Jim suddenly fell into the deep end. He sank to
the bottom of the pool and stayed there!

Edna promptly jumped in and saved him. She swam to the
bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's
heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be
discharged from the hospital, as she now considered
her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna,
I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're
being discharged. Since you were able to rationally
respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life
of another patient, I have concluded that your act
displays sound-mindedness. The bad news is that Jim,
the patient you saved, hanged himself in his bathroom
with the belt of his robe, right after you saved him.
I am so sorry, but he is dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself....I put him
there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Tony just finished his training session at the local McDonald's.So he was a little nervous being behind the register for the first time. His first customer ordered a Milkshake."Tony," his manager said, "remember to say 'Welcome to McDonald's' to each customer before they order."His second customer ordered a Cheeseburger. This time, the manager approached Ted again, and said, "Remember to ask each customer if they want fries with their order."At this point a man came in wearing a ski mask, approached Tony at the register and pointed a gun in his face. "Give me all the money you got in that register kid!"Tony took one look at his manager, thought to himself, and quickly said,
"Would you like that for here or to go?"

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana.They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd.The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull.""It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it."" She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, ""I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."" The man behind the counter tells her, ""Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word.""She thinks about it for a moment and
decides. ""I'd like to send one word, please.""""And what word would that be?
Inquires the man.""Comfortable."" Replies the brunette.The man asks,
""I'm sorry miss, but is your friend gonna understand this
telegram?""The brunette replies, ""My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will read it like: COM-FOR-DA-BULL."

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."

There was a swim meet with a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.They were swimming breaststroke in their competition.The redhead came in first but was neck to neck with the brunette the whole race.The brunette came in second and the blonde came in last but when she got out of the pool she said:"No fair! You guys used your arms!"

A drunken old guy stumbles into the front door of a bar, walks
up to the bartender and says, "Give me a shot of tequila, damn."
The bartender looks at him and tells him that he has had enough.
So the old guy curses the bartender out and walks out the front
door. A few minutes later, the same guy comes in through the side
door and stumbles up to the bar and demands a shot of tequila.
The bartender looks at him in disbelief and refuses to serve him
again. The old guy curses him out again and storms out. A few
minutes later, the same old guy stumbles in through the back
door and before he could say a word, the bartender says, "Listen,
I told you already twice that I'm not going to serve you, so get out
of my bar, you drunken bastard." The old guy looks at the
bartender and says, "Damn, how many bars do you work at?"
:sus:

20 Ways to tell a guy his fly is open.


20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You've got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
1. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.

:rofl:



:rofl:

The Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive; with NO memory

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting

The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did !

The Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care

The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy ... then discards it through Windows

This woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house.He would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit somemore. He would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit. One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?" Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The Tidy-Bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa. The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?" Once again, he growled, "What do I look? Mr. Plumber?" The next day, thewashing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?" And again she was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?" Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer.When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today."
He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?" "Well, honey, they
all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with
them." "Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?"She smiled. "What do I
look like, BETTY CROCKER?"

Once upon a time, a man asked a woman, "Will you marry me?" The woman said, "NO!" And the man lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting, and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

The end

Good Exercise for Older People

Just came across this exercise suggested for older people, to build muscle
strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass
it on to some of my friends. The article suggested doing it three days a
week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room
at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms
straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to
reach a full minute, then relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit
longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.

Then 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can
lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arm straight for more
than a full minute. (I'm at this level)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.:rofl: :claps:

A man and his wife were getting ready for bed,when they decided to get frisky and have fun.While they were in bed,the phone rang.The woman picks up the phone and was listening to the caller on the other end,when she suddenly says"How the hell should I know?" and she slammed down the phone.
The husband asks "What was that all about,honey?"
The lady said "There was a woman on the other end asking me if the coast was clear.":doh: :rofl:

That's too funny, DD!

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind
of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather
the building materials for his home. She read ..

"and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw
and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build
my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class:
"And what do you think the man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of
factly..."I think the man would have said -"Well, f * ck me!! A talking pig!"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. He went back in and in the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself.He got out his hammer and flattened the hump.As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway.""Now," she said, "If only I could find my parakeet."

Oh poor birdy!!!

THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...


A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.

He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids.

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My gosh, are you the stripper from bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

"No, I'm your son's teacher."

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do

to make their days interesting. Thought you'd like to read

what happened to me.



I went to the store the other day.

I was only in there for about five minutes.

When I came out, there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket.



I went up to him and said:

"Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?"



He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi.



He glared at me and started writing another ticket, for having worn tires.

So I called him a piece of horse manure.



He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.



Then he started writing a third ticket.



This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.



I didn't give a hoot. My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day. It's important at my age.

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating: always use condiments.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Dave was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift
in
the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds ! AND IT
BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Dave got up early and left for golf. When his wife
woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift
- wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Dave has been missing since Friday.

Two old friends meet passing on the street one day. But one looked forlorn, and almost on the verge of tears.His friend asked, "What had the world done to you, my old friend?"The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago,an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars.""That's not bad.""But you see, two weeks ago, a cousin I never even knew kicked the bucket, and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear.""Sounds like you should be grateful...""You don't understand!" he interrupted. "Last week my great-aunt passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."Now he was really confused. "Then, how come you look so glum?""This week... nothing!"

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or
Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little
F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher?
Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:
"Have a Happy Period"

Are you ***ing kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man.
If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer"
or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

The Mommy Test

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up
something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I
took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's
been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."

I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the
Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information.

"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you
have to be the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.
When you're finished laughing, send this to a Mom.

A lawyer, a doctor and an engineer have all been sentenced to die for crimes that they have committed.The Lawyer is brought up in shackles and placed in the guillotine.The executioner pulls the lever to activate the device and the blade starts to fall but jams. The Lawyer is spared and released to go free. The Doctor is brought up in hackles and placed in the guillotine.The executioner pulls the lever to activate the device and the blade starts to fall but jams. The Doctor is spared and released to go free.The Engineer is brought up in shackles and placed in the guillotine.The executioner reaches for the lever to activate the device and the engineer shouts, "Wait! Stop everything! I think I've figured out your problem!

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. Get a woman who helps at home, cooks and cleans up.
2. Get a woman, who can make you smile and laugh.
3. Get a woman who you can trust and who does not lie to you.
4. Get a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It is very important that these four women do not know each
other.know each other.":eek:


Corduroy pillows :rofl:

What do procrastination and masturbation have in common?

You only end up screwing yourself. :rofl:

searched for this--hope its not a repost ;-)



Body fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years ?"


Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"


He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor.
This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.

A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai.

The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly.
WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces!
The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH.
The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces!
The emperor says, "That is really impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai.

The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox,and out pops a little fly.
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH!
A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around.
The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"

And the Jewish samurai replies - "Look closer - he will no longer reproduce!"

A woman is standing in front of the mirror pouting. She says that her breasts are too small, expecting her husband to say, "no theyre not." But instead, he uncharacteristically offers advice. He tells her to take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between her breasts a couple of times every day. "If you keep doing it, theyll get bigger over time." So she figures it cant hurt and gets the tissue and starts rubbing it between her breasts. Feeling silly, she asks him, "do you really think this will work?". The husband replied, "It worked for your ass, didnt it?"

searched for this--hope its not a repost

Sorry menahmenah, stragely enough, this is the only joke Ive posted. lol. On Jan 16, no less.

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance. But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself.Then he understood why...The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words:Psycho-the-rapist.

Three blondes went to Heaven on the same day and showed up at the pearly
gates. St. Peter looked them over and said, "Well, before you can enter the
gates you have to answer one simple question, to show you know something
about why you're here."
The first blonde stepped up to the gates, and St. Peter said, "Now, explain
to me, what is Easter?" The woman replied, "Oh, that's easy. That's the
holiday in November, when everybody gets together to give thanks, and eats
turkey, and..."
"Wrong," replied St. Peter, "You'll have to wait." He turned to the second
blonde and said, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replied, "I know,
Easter is about Jesus. In December, when we put up a nice tree, exchange
presents and celebrate His birthday."
St. Peter shook his head in disgust at the second woman and sighed. He
turned to the third blonde and said, "You look a little smarter than the
other two... Now, WHAT IS EASTER?"
The third blonde smiled and said, "I know what Easter is. Easter is the
Christian holiday that takes place in the spring. Jesus and his disciples
were eating at the last supper, and He was deceived and turned over to the
Romans by one of his disciples. Then the Romans took Him to be crucified
and stabbed Him in the side, made Him wear a crown of thorns, and crucified
Him. He died, and was buried in a cave sealed off by a large boulder." St.
Peter smiled and nodded.
The blonde continued, "And every year the boulder is moved aside so that
Jesus can come out, and if He sees His shadow there will be six more weeks
of winter."
St. Peter fainted...

Harry is unable to perform sexually. He goes to his doctor who tries a few things. Nothing works, so the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says "I can cure this." He throws a white powder in a flame. There is a flash of billowing blue smoke. He says "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. You say '123' and it will rise for as long as you wish."

The guy asks "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies
"All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year."

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night, ready to surprise Joyce, he showers, shaves, and puts on an exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her, says "123." He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life, just as the medicine man had promised.

Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks "What did you say 123 for?"
And that is why you should not end a sentence with a preposition.

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the
men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last
month?""Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great.""That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across
his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem
and thorns?""You mean a rose?""Yes, that's it!"He turned to his wife,
"Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious.Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said."Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now...Love, Mom

A man walked into a Wal-Mart and the Greeter said,

"Automotive, aisle 15."

The man asked, "How did you know I was here to get oil?"

The Greeter replied, "That's my job."

Another man walked in and the Greeter said,

"Sporting goods, aisle 28."

The man asked, "How did you know I wanted fishing supplies?

The Greeter replied, "That's my job."

A woman walked in and the Greeter said,

"Tampons, aisle 5."

The woman said, "No, I'm here for hemorrhoid medicine."

The Greeter said, "Darn, I missed it by an inch!"

What does a short sighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?

They both have wet noses!

A Southwest Airlines captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip.
Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's
route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she
was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"
She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is
the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do
Not Disturb'!"

A woman was trying to board a bus, but her skirt was too tight and she
couldn't step. She reached behind her and lowered the zipper a bit and tried again. The skirt was still too tight. She reached behind her and lowered the
zipper some more. She still couldn't get on the bus and lowered the zipper a third time. All of a sudden, she felt two hands on her butt, which proceeded to push her up onto the bus. She spun around, with anger in her eyes and said very indignantly, "Sir, I do not know you well enough for you to behave in such a manner."

The man smiled coyly and said, "Lady, I don't know you well enough
either for you to unzip my fly three times either!"

Grandma
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from
his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of
himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist
colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the
bottom half of the photo. He's really worried when he realizes
that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his
grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother.
It says: Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...
it makes your nose look short.
Love, Grandma"

DiGriz's boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said,
"I've lost my dad!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied ,
"Good bourbon and women with big breasts."

Two guys were in a locker room taking a shower after a game of
squash when one noticed that the other had a huge cork stuck in his butt.
"That looks really uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"
"I can't. It's stuck there permanently."
"How in the hell did it happen?"
"Well, I was walking along the beach, and I tripped over an oil lamp.
There was a puff of smoke, and a genie appeared and said he could
grant me a wish. Unfortunately my immediate reaction was, "No sh*t!"

:eek:

Because of the shortage of jobs in the town, a boy applied for work on
a farm.
The foreman told him to milk a cow, equipping him with a stool and
bucket.
An hour later the boy returned dirty and sweaty, bucket in one hand and
broken stool in the other.
"Extracting the milk was easy," he explained. "The worst part was
getting the cow to sit on the stool."

DiGriz's boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said,
"I've lost my dad!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied ,
"Good bourbon and women with big breasts."

:bigok: Thanks for the PM - I would have missed this.

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, When he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then,he sees a huge 12 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune
teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a
crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to
say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow.
Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly
shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single
flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths
to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's
gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. "Will I be acquitted?"
:ignore: :34:

Why parents drink


The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

" Yes ," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, " No ."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through t he earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now tr uly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ." :o

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour,
surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath. Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my
testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know,
Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to
ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may
elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her
embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his
gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting
and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says,
"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir The man pulls off his oxygen
mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much.
That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? "
:eek: :o

The Female Brain

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their
family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the
worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain
transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a
brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding
eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,
"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
group, "It's just standard pricing procedure.
We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've
actually been used."

How to tell if you might be a "high tech redneck"

If your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com".
If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page".
If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop".
If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson".
If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.
If your baseball cap read "AOL Sucks!" instead of "CAT".
If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.
If your wife said "either she or the computer had to go", and you still don't miss her.
If you've ever used an AOL CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on.
If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy" or "Darlin".
If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or porno star.
If you start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy ya’ll" or "Hey Bubba".

A blonde goes into the local auto parts store and asks for a
seven ten cap. All the guys look at each other and say, "What's a
seven ten cap?" She says, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine
got lost somehow and I need a new one." "What kind of a car is
it on?" they ask, thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no,
she says it's a Buick. "Okay lady, how big is it?" She makes a
circle with her hands about 3-1/2 inches in diameter. "What does
it do?" they ask. She says, "I don't know, but it has always been
there." One of the guys gives her a notepad and asks her if she
could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3-1/2 inches
in diameter and in the center she writes 710. The guys behind the
counter look at it upside down as she writes it... and they just fall
down behind the counter laughing hysterically. :rofl:






















































(Draw a circle, write 710 in the middle of it, and turn it around.)
:doh:

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the
White House. The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would
like, and he replies,
.."I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit..."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
George W. looking up from his menu, replies with his trademark
wink and slight grin,.... "How about a quickie this morning?"
"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude!
You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in
your second term of office for a year!" As the waitress storms away.
Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers...........
"It's pronounced 'quiche'. :doh:

It was Postman Bill's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail
through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the
first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who
congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a
revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door,
and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most
passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant
breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed
orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's
bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the
dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be
your last day, and that we should do something special for you. When I asked him what to give you he said, "Screw Postman Bill, give him a buck."

The lady then said,

"The breakfast was my idea.

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
>>
>> 1. When choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water
>> down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove
>> itself.
>>
>> 2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone >> else
>> to hold while you chop.
>>
>> 3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by
>> using the sink.
>>
>> 4. To treat high blood pressure: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
>> few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to
>> use a timer.
>>
>> 5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent >> you
>> from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
>> button.
>>
>> 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
>> will be afraid to cough.
>>
>> 7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it
>> doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and
>> does, use the duct tape.
>>
>> 8. When confused remember, everyone seems normal until you get to >> know
>> them.
>>
>> Daily Thought:
>>
>> SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY
>> BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS
>>

Really like that one!

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said. He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish Viagra. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there. Took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"

"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, but I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy.

"It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant,

"I am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says.

"Who is Rosie O'Donnell?

A man setting in a bar next to a beautiful lady, who's wearing the tightest fitting pants he has ever seen. He keeps looking at her with wide eyes, so she finally asks, "What's wrong?"
He said, "Lady, I hope you don't mind my being too presumptuous, but I was wondering, just how does a person get into a pair of pants like that?"
She looks at him, smiles, and says, "You might start by buying me a drink."

The sheriff of a small town walked out into the street and
saw a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing
on but his cowboy hat, gun and boots. The sheriff arrests
him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks,
"Why in the world are you dressed like this?" The cowboy says,
"Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and
this pretty little redhead asked me to go out to her motor home
with her... and I did. We went inside and she pulled off her top
and asked me to pull off my shirt. so I did... Then she pulls off
her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants so I did... Then she
pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts, so I did...
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of funny and
says, 'Now go to town cowboy...' So here I am."

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one, and goes over to the counter.

A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
reel and 10-LB test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on
sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is
really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could
tell who it was.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,"Didn't you tell me it was
on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00.

But the Duck Call is $11.00 and theCatfish Bait is $3.50."

:p

:rofl:

My brother text me w/ this one while I was in class.




Do you know why the Scottish wear kilts?


Because the sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

:rofl:

COL

(chuckling out loud)

*side note.....I caught myself from doing that. Although my instructor would have got a kick out of the joke*

So instead you were LOTI.

(Laughing on the inside) wow. What a lame attemt at a joke.

Yeah, I was LOTI and SOTO...smirking on the outside...lol STOP!! ;)

I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a red Mustang doing 85 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane.
It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!

Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asks the older boy,

"Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replies.

The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for?"

"Not exactly," the boy says.

"But they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four.

We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one."

A man and a woman meet at a bar one night and are getting along really
well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage
in passionate lovemaking. The woman suddenly turns up her ear and
says, "Quick, my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!"
So the man runs into the bathroom. Her husband comes up into the
bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks. Well, I
heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get
ready to receive you." "Okay," the man replies, "I'll go get ready."
He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a
naked man standing there clapping his hands. "Who the hell are you?"
the man asks. "I am from the exterminator company, your wife called
me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with." The husband
exclaims, "But you're naked!" The man then looks down and jumps
back in surprise. "Those little bast**ds!"

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.

There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: WW WA PP ATR.

Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.

He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!!

So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.

"Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"

So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.

"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off... confused he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened.

He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.

The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some
rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to
the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been
buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like
some more. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But, I always buy it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the
container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist. "Yes," said the
blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container
and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,
"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant". Annoyed,
the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud
from the container.........
"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
:o

Earl and Bubba, two good ole boys from Dixie are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer.

Suddenly Bubba says,

“I think I’m going to divorce my wife. She hasn’t spoke to me in over two months."

Earl spits, takes a drink of his beer and says,

“You better think it over…women like that are hard to find.”

A pretty young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation."Miss Jones," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."

A father walks into a bookstore with his young son.

The boy is holding a nickel.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickel and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,

"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied.

"Divorce attorney".

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.

Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head." :clown:

A little farm boy is awaken by his mother one Saturday morning for chores. Still feeling grumpy about being awoken on a Saturday morning, he kicks a chicken on his way down the stairs. His mother tells him "No eggs for you today, that is your punishment for kicking the chicken" Which then makes the little boy grumpier and he kicks a pig on his way to the kitchen. His mother tells him "No bacon for you today either, that is your punishment for kicking the pig." By this time, the little boy is grumpier than before and kicks a cow on his way out the door. His mother tells him "No milk for you today as well, that is your punishment for kicking the cow." As he walks past his father, who was rushing in, the little boy sees the cat cross his father's path and sees father kick the cat. The little boy looks at his mother and says, "Should I tell him the bad news, or will you?!"

Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where
he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits,
especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI).
It wasn't long before the center's Lieutenant noticed that
Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales,
which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this,
the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales
pitch. Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits,
and then said. "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed,
the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.
If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the
government has to pay only a maximum of $6000." "Now,"
he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to
send into battle first?" ":eek:

You know you're getting old when.....

15- Your potted plants stay alive.
14- You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
13- 6:00am is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
12- You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11- You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
10- Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up".
9- You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next
door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
8- Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
7- You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
6- Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
5- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
4- MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
3- A $4 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".
2- Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, Diet Pepsi & Ho-Ho's.
1- Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

:doh:

You know you're getting old when.....

15- Your potted plants stay alive.
14- You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
13- 6:00am is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
12- You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11- You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
10- Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up".
9- You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next
door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
8- Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
7- You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
6- Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
5- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
4- MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
3- A $4 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".
2- Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, Diet Pepsi & Ho-Ho's.
1- Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

:doh:

ain't that the truth!

Youse guys are funnier than the joke :rofl:

Old Men At A Bar
Thursday 05-24-2007 1:11am ET
Four retired guys were walking down a street in Chicago, when they saw a sign that said:

"OLD TIMERS' BAR. ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS."

They go in.


The old bartender said, "Come on in and let me pour one for you. What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There seemed to be a fully stocked bar, so the four men each asked for a martini.

The bartender serves up four iced martinis and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

They paid the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis were produced with the bartender again saying,

"That's 40 cents, please."

Their curiosity was more than they could stand. They asked the bartender,

"How can you afford to serve martinis for a dime a piece?"

The bartender began, "Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime -- wine, liquor, beer, all the same."

The three couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

They asked the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender said, "They're seniors from Florida. They're waiting for happy hour."

Disclaimer: may offend certain groups of people. If you don't like it, don't complain...

A Jew, an Italian and Black are sitting at the bar when this really old guy enters. Italian says, "Hey, look at this guy, he's so old, I bet he's God". The Black guy says to the man, "Sir, we were thinking that because you are so old, you must be God". "I am", replies an old man.

The Jew says, "prove it". The old man puts out his hand, touches the chest of the Jew, closes his eyeys, and says: "Your heart is very ill.....1...2...3...Poof!, but now you're healed and will live a long fruitful life".

Then, he sticks a finger into the Italian man's bottom, and says: You have a prostate cancer.....1....2...3...Poof!, and now you're cured and will live a long fruitful life".

The 3 men look at each other in disbelief. Then the old man turns to the Black guy, but before he could even reach out with his hand, the Black guy jumps back and horrified, scremas out" Stand back, f***er, I'm on a disability!" :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Arent you the same guy who raised hell because people were making fun of fat and old women? All I can say is wow.

I'd say that was an equal opportunity offender joke.
Well done!

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton"
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of Hillary Rodham Clinton?"
6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7. Feel better.

PS: Next week we'll do Nancy Pelosi.

Arent you the same guy who raised hell because people were making fun of fat and old women? All I can say is wow.

a joke is a joke, so don't shoot the messenger

I'd say that was an equal opportunity offender joke.
Well done!

"affirmative action" at its best, isn't it?! ;)


....and since we're still on the subject,

from a comedy club last night: How do you make a homosexual man have sex with a woman? Easy! Just put some poop in her vagina! :rofl:

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"
The Cowboy says:
"Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt
so I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants .. so I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts .. so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy... ", and here I am."

Son of a Gun, Blond Men do exist!!

a joke is a joke, so don't shoot the messenger



"affirmative action" at its best, isn't it?! ;)


....and since we're still on the subject,

from a comedy club last night: How do you make a homosexual man have sex with a woman? Easy! Just put some poop in her vagina! :rofl:

ewwww! *runs around of the room doing the eww-ie dance*

ewwww! *runs around of the room doing the eww-ie dance*

I second that emotion!

There is a young girl in sunday school and her teacher wants to ask her 3 questions
1. Her teacher asked her "Who created the earth we live on"
a boy pokes with a pencil and she yells "God almighty". the teachers says "That's right"

The next question that the teacher asks her who died on the cross for our sins? The boy pokes her again and she yell "Jesus christ". her teacher says "That's right"
3. The last question is. "What did eve says to adam when they were makin babies. The boy pokes her agian and she yells "I swear to god if u poke me with that thing one more time i will break it in half"

Dan,

Your Alzheimer's is sinking in early for you, man. You posted the same joke 9 comments ago.... :rofl:

And yet, it's funny the second time around!

Yeah, it's a bi**h.
Thanks for telling me.

Nooooooo! LOL, you should have left the post......now I forgot what it's all about....:convinced: :tongue:

Nooooooo! LOL, you should have left the post......now I forgot what it's all about....:convinced: :tongue:

I propose we delete all mention of this.

You guys are funny!!

It's improper to poke fun at fools and idiots, unless they hold public office. In that case, it's mandatory.

Now that's funny!! :claps: :rofl:

This one is for our resident techies:

I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called Sam, the computer guy,
to come over. Sam clicked a couple
of buttons and solved the problem. He
gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him,
"So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID
ten T Error? What's that In case I need to fix it again?"
Sam grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said,"and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote it down...........

I D 1 0 T


I used to like Sam.

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man Of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,

"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law."

"You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert."

"After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want."

"Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe."

"Then, you will massage my feet and hands."

"Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife thought about it for a moment and replied,

"The friggin' funeral director would be my first guess."

A man goes to the doctor with a swollen leg. After a careful
examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.
"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.
The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.
The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. "Ok, after the tablet dissolves, you should soak that leg for at least 30 minutes."

A young man was staggering about drunk with a key in his hand.
"What's going on?" inquired a passing cop. "They stole my car!"
said the man. "Where did you last see it?" "On the end of this key!"
The cop looked him over and said, "Are you aware, sir, that your
privates are hanging out of your trousers?" "Holy Crap!" exclaimed
the man. "They got my girlfriend too!":eek:

lol that's a good one!:))

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato
garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son,
Vinnie, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to
his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vinnie,
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you
would be happy to dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up
the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man
and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:



Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the
circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would you care to do it again?" He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you poop on its head."

:preggers:
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."
..."CASE DISMISSED!"

My all time favorite joke:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show squirrels it can be done!

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded,

"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his ass again!"

The Dog's Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


The Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed

hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the

rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to

keep up my strength.


The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt

to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a

mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this

would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my

capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about

what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards! There was some sort of

assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary

confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the

noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to

the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use

it to my advantage.


Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my

tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this

again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the

other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special

privileges. She is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing

to return. She is obviously retarded.


The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards

regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have

arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.

For now....

_

(sorry Butty)

Women's Butt Study

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric
Association about women and how they feel about their butts.

The results are pretty interesting:

1. 5% of women surveyed feel their butt is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their butt is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love
him; he's a good man, and they would have married
him anyway.

I was walking down the street one day, when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend any money and my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."

The homeless Woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread and beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it."

A man was praying to god. He said, ' God ?' God responded, ' Yes ?' And the Guy said, ' Can I ask a question ?' 'Go right ahead', God said. 'God, what is a million years to you?' God said, 'A million years to me is only a second.' The man wondered. Then he asked, 'God, what is a million dollars worth to you?' God said, 'A million dollars to me is a penny.' So the man said, ' God can I have a penny ?' And God cheerfully said, ' Sure!.......Just A Second

A small zoo in TEXAS obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the zoo keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept the offer, but only under four conditions

1. "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The keeper quickly agreed to this condition

2. "Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

4. And last, Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500."

John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that John was ever so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and under the table, while Mary acted quite unconcerned. Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh, no he didn't. In fact, my husband just walked in the front door.":05:

:ignore:

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

So then the rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn.

They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one...right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks,

"Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall." Amy explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"


She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says,

"I guess it's to hang your pants on."

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed And whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his weenie hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till Noon, she'd come and pick me up from school." :p

An Alabama couple, both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children.

They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed."

The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision after nine children.

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance cause neither of them could speak Spanish.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
>surrogatefather to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to
>arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife good-bye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The
>man shouldbe here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a
>door-to-door baby photographerhappened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make
>a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..." "Oh, no
>need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've beenexpecting you."
>"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you
>knowbabies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had
>hoped. Please come in and have aseat". After a moment she asked,
>blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually
>try two in the bathtub, one on thecouch, and
perhaps a couple on the bed.
>And sometimes the living room flooris fun. You can really spread out
>there."
>"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry
>andme!" "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every
>time. But if wetry several different positions and I shoot from six or
>seven
>angles, I'msure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a
>lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take
>his time. I'd love to be Inand out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be
>disappointed with that." "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
>The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
>hisbaby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh,
>my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins
>turned out exceptionally well - when you consider theirmother was
so
>difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
>"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
>jobdone right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
>goodlook" "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with
>amazement. "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three
>hours, too. Themother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
>concentrate,and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally,
>when thesquirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all
>in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on
>your,uh...equipment?" "It's true, Ma'am, yes... Well, if you're
>ready, I'll set-up my tripod andwe can get to work right away."
>"Tripod?" "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my
>Canon on. It's much toobig to be held in the hand very
long."

Over 60 Q's and A's

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores? A: "I remember these".

:doh:I don't know why Choo came to mind when I saw this...:p



:rofl:




































http://www.cartoonstock.com/newscartoons/cartoonists/rdi/lowres/rdin630l.jpg

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walked in. She turned and said, "You've got to make love to me this very Moment." His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all, Right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
:p

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards." The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the Kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat Tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is ... An auto parts store?" "No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of Headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of Crisp bacon." "Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then Spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?" She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, Headlights And running boards, you might as well gas up!";)

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the
disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad
enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having
a great product. Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

A police officer, who was hoping to catch someone drunk, waited outside a bar. Now most bars close at midnight, so he parked himself right around the bar and waited for someone to come out drunk and try to drive. Sure enough, at 11:45pm, a man came stumbling out of the bar. It took him five minutes to get to his car and another five to turn the car on. The police officer sensed victory and let the man start driving. He pulled the man over only 50 feet away from the tavern. He walked up to the man and said, "I just saw you come out of that bar and you were pretty loaded." "Daknguifshregjdgfnfdjgn," said the drunk man. "How many beers did you have?" asked the police officer. "Anoout fiften," said the man. "FIFTEEN! And you're trying to drive?!? You will get life for this," said the officer. "Hop out of the car. I am going to run some tests on you," said the officer. The man hopped out of his car with perfect grace, he smiled and stood on one foot, hopped up and down and said his ABCs fowards and backwards. The police officer didn't get it. "Okay, let me smell your breath," said the officer. "Sure," said the man. He exhaled right into the officers nose and the officers smelled no beer on his breath. "Well, I guess I am gonna have to let you go, but why did you stumble out of the bar so drunk?" "Oh, I'm the DD," said the man. "A designated driver?" "No, a designated decoy," said the man.
:driver: ;)

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My Gosh" said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack.":05:

wadaya call a guy that never farts in public?

a private tuter!

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room!"
:rofl:

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you that I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week, and that I'll do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend; but a talking frog, now that's cool.

Chatting with my mother-in-law, I asked, "Have you heard
of this company that takes the cremated ashes of your loved one
and then compresses the carbon into a diamond?

"Yes," she said, smirking. "It brings a whole new meaning to the
phrase "family jewels."

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was!

Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, Pepsi, and M&Ms.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

He leaned over and lovingly, asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.

A group of country neighbors wanted to get together on a regular basis and socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbors' house each month. Of course, the lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their house, like most women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over. A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms because they are too expensive." He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed." She said, "No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poison." He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time and it never has affected them."

After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some. She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready to go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty. Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite. All morning long, Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town to come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class. After everyone had finished, they all began to kick back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit.

About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died." With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm."

It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. The doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one, they took each person into the master bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now," and he left.

They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about that time, the town lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped!!"

A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the
students of a northern Michigan university. They would get together two or
three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all
that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to
another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the
woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days
later, they're all together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various
bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into
the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him
from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began
to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and,
Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming
out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both
legs in casts. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL
brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear.
And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear
wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle.
We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a
creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like
you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day
praising Jesus."

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in
a hospital bed in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in
and out of him. He was in real bad shape.

The Rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have
been the best way to start."

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman (other than his wife) naked and that he must commit suicide if he does.

So next Saturday, at 4:00pm EST all American women are asked to walk out of their homes (completely naked) to help weed out any neighborhood Muslim terrorists and circle your block for one hour for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men (in a show of support) are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their homes to prove they are not Muslims and to demonstrate they think its OK to see nude women. Also, since Islam does not approve of alcohol, keep a six-pack of beer at your side as further proof of your anti-terrorist sentiment.

The American Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God bless America.

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman (other than his wife) naked and that he must commit suicide if he does.

So next Saturday, at 4:00pm EST all American women are asked to walk out of their homes (completely naked) to help weed out any neighborhood Muslim terrorists and circle your block for one hour for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men (in a show of support) are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their homes to prove they are not Muslims and to demonstrate they think its OK to see nude women. Also, since Islam does not approve of alcohol, keep a six-pack of beer at your side as further proof of your anti-terrorist sentiment.

The American Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God bless America.


You, sir, are a genius!!
:rofl:

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said "How bad is it doc? ... I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin, in every way". The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your Willie in a splint to
let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; ... An impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes
On their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She says, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these." He immediately drops his pants and replies, . Look at this, .....still in the CRATE!" :o

Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo.ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentlemen, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Ed replied...

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."


"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

Two men and a woman were applying to be FBI agents and had undergone
extensive testing for the job. For the final test, the FBI agents took one
of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!"

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get some PR.
After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.

"Stanley," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 4 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when ½ of all Americans don't have health insurance?

Just then, the bell rings for break.

George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after break.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, It's question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name. "Little Johnnie" he responds.

"And what is your question, Little Johnnie?"

"Actually Sir, I have 6 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance? Fifth, why did the break bell go off 20 minutes early? And sixth, what happened to Stanley?"

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?

Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, "cause I still have mine"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then, I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.

Zen truths

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

http://i7.tinypic.com/4vn12jn.jpg :tongue:

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with an ice-cream and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation...

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted. A few moments passed...

"An ambulance just went by". A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike..."

A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders are moving"."Jason is on his skate board..." A few more moments,

"The Coopers are having sex!"

Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out,"How do you know they are having sex?"

Their son said, "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with an ice-cream."

Did you hear all those jokes about Saddam? They were poorly executed.

There is a rumor going around,spred by many females, that Saddam Hussein was,well Hung.

Saddam was supposibly a great basketball player, he had great hang time.

:peep:

feeling mean today, are we?

http://i7.tinypic.com/4vn12jn.jpg :tongue:

That's too funny!!

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed; he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it".

And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he drug himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over, naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed,


"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"

:rofl: :claps: :rofl:

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

One is a good looking, older retired fighter pilot in his sixties and the Other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun.

Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's' cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.

About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes. Then rests his head at her Feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor.

He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired pilot and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old pilot replies,

"No problem, just get that damn lion out of the way."

Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Swiss Alps, are a French guy, an American guy, an old Greek lady and a young Swiss girl with blonde hair.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Frenchman has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: The Frenchman must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde thinks: That Frenchman must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Frenchman thinks: The American must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The American thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack that Frenchman again.

Two dead ladies talking...


1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman : Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st woman : I froze to death.

2nd woman : How horrible!

1st woman : It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful
death. What about you?

2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But
instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman : I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere
that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the
attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through
every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had
looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled
over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman : Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still
be alive.

Alabama
Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.

Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona
Yes, But It's A Dry Heat.

Arkansas
Lituracy Ain't Everythang.

California
By 30, Our Women Have More
Plastic Than Your Honda.

Colorado
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.

Connecticut
Like Massachusetts, only smaller

Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.

Florida
Ask Us About Our Grandkids
And Our Voting Skills.

Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.

Hawaii
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)

Idaho
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes
Sure Are Real Good

Illinois
Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa
We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas
First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky
Five Million People;
Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign.


Maine
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden FAMILY'S And Our Senators Are More
Corrupt!

Michigan
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota, 10,000 Lakes... And 10 Zillion Mosquitoes

Mississippi
Come visit And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana
Land of The Big Sky, The Unabomber,
Right-wing Crazies and Honest Elections!

Nebraska
Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada
Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!

New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right To An Attorney...
And No Right To Self Defense!

North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma
Like The Play, But No Singing

Oregon
Spotted Owl.. It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal

Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina
Remember The Civil War?
Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet

South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee
Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum

Texas
Se Hable Ingles

Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont
Too liberal for the Kennedys

Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And
Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington
Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor!

West Virginia
One Big Happy Family...Really!

Wisconsin
Come Cut the Cheese!

Wyoming
Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared
Home of Brokeback Mtn.

The District of Columbia
The Work-Free Drug Place!

Nice. Its like 50 little jokes all rolled into one!

1st woman : Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still
be alive.

LOL :claps:

A zen master walked into a hotdog shop and told the clerk, "I'd like you to make me one with everything."

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over
here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure
out
how to get it started. Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be

when it's finished?"
Blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread
all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at
the
box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do,
we're
not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything
resembling
a
tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax.
let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ......"
He sighed.........
"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the
box......."

After CB's State motto joke, I don't know which state to move to, either Montana or South Carolina!

did you hear about the fight in the candy store...?




the 2 suckers got licked ... LOL

I like it. Very funny

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Big W and standing In
line at the check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete
so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
Because I had been poisoned.

I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking myself and a car hit me.

How to turn a duck into a Rythym & Blues singer:

Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers!:bigok:

Thank you....Thank you....I'll be here all week.....:yo: :wave: :tongue:

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700"

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!", replies the government official.

And that friends, is how it all works !!!

Not a joke, but it's interesting.

#1...Why do we press harder on a remote control when
we know the batteries are getting weak?

#2..Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient
funds" when they know there is no money in the account?

#3...Why does someone believe you when you say there
are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

#4...Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

#5...Why do they use sterilized needles for death by
lethal injection?

#6...Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

#7...Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest,
but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

#8...Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

#9...Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word
"lisp"?

#10..If people evolved from apes, why are there
still apes?

#11..Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath
you use the bubbles are always white?

#12..Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on
sale?

#13..Why do people constantly return to the
refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat
will have materialized?

#14..Why do people keep running over a string a
dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach
down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give
the vacuum one more chance?

#15..Why is it that no plastic bag will open from
the end you first try?

#16..How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed
light fixtures?

#17..When we are in the supermarket and someone rams
our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so,
why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why
don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

#18..Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch
something that's falling off the table you always manage
to knock something else over?

#19..In winter why do we try to keep the house as
warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

#20..How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

#21..If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you
try it like your wife told you to do it?

#22..And obviously if at first you don't succeed,
then don't take up sky diving!

And my FAVORITE......

#23...The statistics on sanity are that one out of
every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

I don't know, tell me why, please.

A Hawaiian Woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were
arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Hawaiian woodpecker said that they had a tree
that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker
challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree
with no problem.

The Hawaii woodpecker was in awe.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian
woodpecker to peck a Canadian tree that was absolutely
unpeckable. The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed
confidence that he could do it and accepted the
challenge.

After flying to Canada , the Hawaiian woodpecker
successfully pecked the tree with no problem. The two
woodpeckers were now confused.

How is that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck
the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able
to peck the Canadian tree when neither one was able to
peck the tree in their own country?

After much pecking, they both came to the same
conclusion. Your pecker is always harder when you're
away from home.

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they
were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are
oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
Peggy.
When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a
full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for
the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I
noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home
from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she
has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell
at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets
dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club
so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I
hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not
unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do
what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that
they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does
seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say
that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during
her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile
and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even
three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that
missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know
what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She
had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try
not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big,
cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as
long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I'm
not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find
it difficult. Some will find it impossible!

Nobody knows better than I do how frustrated women get as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism
of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it
was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed, Jim

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Jim died suddenly on July 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report
says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II
golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and
a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder The all-woman jury took
only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim
somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

Jim died suddenly on July 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report
says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II
golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and
a sledge hammer laying nearby.

What a waste of a nice golf club. Probably could have had the same effect with a cheaper sand wedge.

My long-passed grandmothers birthday is coming up, and for me it's a time to reminisce.

The long walks we used to take. The long drives, the special trips she would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with her, and the advise she used to give.

Much was wasted because I was young when she died.
If she were alive today and sharing her pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.

Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most as the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advise came when I was 12.

We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. She told ma that one day I'd find a great woman and start my own family.
"And dear, remember this always", she said, "Be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"How come, Grandma?" I asked her.

She said in her soft voice..."Makes your pecker look bigger."

A woman's husband dies. He had $30,000 to his name.

After everything is done at the funeral home and
cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is
none of the $30,000 left.

The friend says, "How can that be?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost was $6,500.
And, of course, I made donation to the church - that
was $500. I spent another $500 for the wake, food
and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial
stone."

The friend says, "$22,500 for the memorial stone?
My God, how big is it?"

The widow says, "Three carats..."

This is a really bad joke! :tongue:



Walking the Dog

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a
walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I
take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said
the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the
dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you>can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round
the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no
dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where 's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down
the block,so another dog is pushing her home."

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it , constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, I'll kick your butt all over this ranch!"

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a
nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and
depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part
died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were
forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "oh,
I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."
The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall
with his private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he
met Nurse Tracy "Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't
be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private
Part back inside your pajamas." But, Nurse Tracy," replied
Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.
" "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your
pajamas?" "Well, Mr. Goldstein replied, "Today's the viewing."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted IT on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors.

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,

"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

"NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.

Not a joke. This actually happened.

I went to the grocery store with a friend of mine who just happens to be a rather large, African-American, gay man. As we were headed across the parking lot, a little old lady was walking towards us. She took one look at my friend and clutched her purse very tightly to herself. He stopped, looked her up and down and said, "Honey, unless you have a man in that purse, you don't have a thing that I want."

What our world is- coming to--TENJOOBERRYMUDS!!

By the time you read through this YOU WILL
UNDERSTAND TENJOOBERRYMUDS...

In order to continue getting-by in America (our
home land), we all need to learn the NEW English
language!

Practice by reading the following conversation until
you are able to understand the term
"TENJOOBERRYMUDS".

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right
in with the growing trend!!!

Now, here goes...
The following is a telephone exchange between a
hotel guest and room-service:
Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: " Rye. Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to
oddor sunteen???"
G: "Uh.....Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: ".....What??"
RS: "Ow July den?!?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry...
scrambled, please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
RS: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I...don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know
what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow
Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were
saying 'toast'...
Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No, just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad?!?"
G: "I mean butter...just put the butter on the
side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please...and that's everything."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem,
Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy..rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjooberrymuds."
G: "You're welcome."

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an
hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact
is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything,
you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect
people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the
same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow it's my f** ing fault."
:doh:

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?
(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"

An engineer of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle
>> Corporation died and went to heaven. At the gates,
>> St. Peter told him, "Since you've been such a good
>> man and your motorcycles have changed the world,
>> your reward is you can hang out with anyone you
>> want in Heaven."
>>
>> The Engineer thought about it for a minute and then
>> said, "I want to hang out with God."
>>
>> St. Peter took him to the Throne Room, and introduced
>> him to God.
>>
>> The engineer then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the
>> inventor of women?"
>>
>> God said, "Ah, yes."
>>
>> "Well," said the engineer, "professional to professional,
>> you have some major design flaws in your invention.
>>
>> 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
>>
>> 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
>>
>> 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
>>
>> 4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust.
>>
>> 5. And finally, the maintenance costs are outrageous."
>>
>> "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there,"
>> replied God, "hold on."
>>
>> God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a
>> few words and waited for the results. The computer
>> printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
>>
>> "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God
>> said to the engineer, "but according to these numbers,
>> more men are riding my invention than yours."
>>
>

Three engineers were having a heated discussion about theology -- trying to determine what branch of engineering G*d was trained in.

The first, a mechnical engineer, argued that G*d must be a mechanical engineer. "Look at the human skeleton, the intricate lattice of bones and cartilige allowing humans to engage in an infinite variety of movements. The beauty, the poetry of the structure proves it. G*d MUST be a mechanical engineer."

The second, an electrical engineer disagreed. "Sure, the skeleton is nice, but it's only a sideshow. The true beauty of human creation is the brain and nervous system. All the synapses and neurons and axons firing in precise timing to allow the masterpiece that is human thought. G*d must be an electrical engineer."

The third, a civil engineer, said simply, "Nope. G*d is a civil engineer."

"What?" asked the other two. "How could you ever hope to substantiate THAT claim?"

"Well," he responded. "Who but a civil engineer would route a waste pipeline through the middle of a major recreational area?"

Three Nuns die and go to heaven.At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you allled such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;"And *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.
The third, (who is far sighted) says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.
"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't
ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and
Says."No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by
1,400 men in 6 months. You should have brought your glasses .":eek:

One night at the bar ......

One guy had an interesting experience recently involving an "older" woman he
met at a bar.

The woman looked pretty darn HOT for 57. She was drinking quite a bit, and
while they were chatting, she came right out and asked him if he'd ever had
a "sportsman's double" - a mother and daughter threesome.

He said no, but she might be able to talk him into it.

So she slams back one last drink, wipes her mouth, and looking directly into
his eyes, she tells him, "Tonight's your lucky night."

So they go back to her place, she clicks on the hall light right as they
enter, and she shouts upstairs, "Mom! You still awake?"

An elderly couple were visiting Israel, when towards the end of the trip the old woman suddenly passed away. The grieving husband was aproached by a rabbi who asked the man what he would like to do with the body of his loved one. Whaen asked what are his options, the rabbi replied: "Well, you can ship the body back home to US and have it burried there, but that's going to cost you $5000. Or, for just $150 you can burry your wife here, in the Holy Land.

The old man thought about it for a minute and decisively agreed to ship his wife's body back home. Are you sure? asked the rabbi. You can burry her here for much less and no trouble at all!

"You see, the man said, about 2000 years ago one man lived and died here. He was burried, but came to life after only 3 days. I can't take that chance.

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.

While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season New York Giant's tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.

He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby replied; "I'd cover his butt with that blanket before he catches a cold."

A young guy goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman before. Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says "one". The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says $121,237.65".

The boss says "$121,237.65? What the hell did you sell?" The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."

Good one Pug!!

An archeological team, digging in Washington DC , has uncovered 10,000 year old bones and fossil remains of what is believed to be the first Politician.






http://i11.tinypic.com/4l99vyc.jpg

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She Spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a surefire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad? "

"I promise I won't," she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

One for the ladies


One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ."

And they say blondes are dumb...

A true rarity. A joke from LiveSquid. Bad word at the end.

Two weeks ago, the kids and I went on a trip to visit friends in San Antonio, Texas. On the way we stopped at a rest area just off the interstate. What happened next made me very uneasy...

I was drinking coffee heavily so that I would stay awake and needed to relieve myself pretty badly. I pulled into a rest area, locked the car doors, left the kids sleeping in the car, and went into the restroom. When I entered I noticed it was unoccupied except for a pair of sneakers visible under the second stall.

As I unzipped at one of the urinals and began to relieve my burning bladder I heard a voice say "Hey, what's up?". I looked around and there was no one else in the restroom. After a moments hesitation, I answered "Not much".

A little time went by and he says, "What ya doing?".

I didn't feel very comfortable talking to someone in a stall but I didn't want to be rude and answered, "Uh...we are heading to San Antonio to visit friends."

"Want to come over?", he says.

At this point I am really uncomfortable and I finish up and scoot over to the sink to wash up. "No I don't think so.", I replied. Wow, was this something else. I had never even had someone next to me with a wide stance before and now I've got someone in the stall asking me over!

As I reached for the paper towels to dry my hands I hear, "Hey man, can I call you back? There's some asshole in the bathroom answering every thing I say."

since when is "paper towel" a bad word?

A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late

But this isnt an email. Perhaps you should edit to say forum posts?

An 89-year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back
with normal results. The doctor says, "Chuck, everything looks great!
How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Chuck replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight,
so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to
the bathroom, POOF! the light goes on. When I'm done, POOF! the light
goes off."

" WOW, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Chuck's wife.

"Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But, I had to call you as
I am in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that when he gets
up during the night, POOF! the light goes on in the bathroom and when
he's done POOF! the light goes off?"
"Oh, my God!" Ethel exclaims, "He's peeing in the refrigerator
again!"

Don't drink the lemonade!

Don't drink the lemonade!

OMG!!! :rofl:
and Ewwwwww at the same time!!!!!



:bigok:

But this isnt an email. Perhaps you should edit to say forum posts?

I thought forum posts were bad words.

This guy walks into a bar wearing a Bucs jersey and carrying a little dog that also has a Bucs jersey on with a little Bucs helmet, too.

The guy says to the bartender, ‘Can my dog and I watch the Bucs game here? My TV at home broke and my dog and I want to see the game’

The bartender replies, ‘Normally, dogs in the bar would not be allowed, but it is not terribly busy in here, so you and the dog can have a seat at the end of the bar. But, if there is any trouble with you or the dog, I’ll have to ask you to leave.’ The guy agrees and he and his dog start watching the game.

Pretty soon the Bucs kick a field goal and the dog jumps up on the bar and walks down the bar and gives everyone a high five.

The bartender says, ‘Hey, that’s cool! What does he do for a touchdown?’

The guys answers, ‘I don’t know, I’ve only had him for 3 years.’