This guy went into a restaurant and ordered his meal. When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into it. This upset him, but he let it go. She then brought out his chili, and again her thumb was in the food. He let it go again. When she brought out his hot fudge sundae, her thumb was in the fudge and this was too much for him.

"get your thumb out of my food!' said the man

"Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm."

"Why don't you just shove it up your @ss?" the man said angrily.

"That's what I do when I'm in the kitchen."

Father Norton wakes up to a beautiful and sunny Sunday morning and decides he just has to play golf.

He pretends he’s sick and convinces the associate pastor to say Mass for him that day, then heads out of town to a golf course about 40 miles away so he won’t run into anyone from his parish.

On the first tee, he sees that he has the entire course to himself—everyone else is in church!

Watching all this from the heavens, Saint Peter leans over to the Lord and asks, "Are you going to let him get away with this?"

Just then Father Norton hits the ball and it heads straight for the pin, dropping just short of it, rolls up and falls into the hole-a 420 yard hole in one!

Astonished, St. Peter looks at the Lord and asks, "Why in Heaven did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiles and replies, "Who’s he going to tell?"

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against

the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and

says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.

Columbus, OH (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a
Franklin County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court
ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of
being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody
to
his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring
that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat
him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When
the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy
cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the
remainder
of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was
apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented
step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the
child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the
University
of Michigan Wolverines, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable
of
beating anyone.

:rofl:

Go Bucks!

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Vincent's Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The Operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the Operator returned to the phone, "Oh, good news."

Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure
is fine; her blood work just come back as normal and her Physician,
Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried!
God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me ****."

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.

She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank.."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my Brother-in-law."

Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing - imagine that.


When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. Chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn ( ORVILLE REDENBACHER 'S LOW FAT)
Salt/pepper to taste


Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.
Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken's ass blows the oven. Door open and the chicken flies across the room, it's done.

And you thought I couldn't cook!

For all the mamabears.......

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small, empty bowl.

“Who's been eating my porridge?” he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty.

“Who's been eating my Porridge?” he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, “For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?”

“It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the table, it was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-butts downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time...”

“I haven’t made the stupid porridge yet!”

This is a warning, the following joke is NOT Politically Correct.
If you are offended by non-PC jokes, stop reading NOW.













A Taxi driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago.

Nothing is moving north or south.

Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened, what's the hold up?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"

"About a gallon."

Very nice.

What has 132 feet and 8 teeth?






The front row at a Garth Brooks concert. :doh:

Hehe.......

How many men does it take to open a can of beer?






None....the woman should have it opened by the time she brings it to him. :bigok:

Bunny.........

1. AMBITIOUS : Always ready for a fart
2. AMIABLE : Likes to smell others' farts
3. ANTI-SOCIAL : Excuses himself and farts in private
4. AQUATIC : Farts in bath, then breaks bubbles with toes
5. ATHLETIC : Jumps in the air, farts 3 times, and kicks his heels 3 times
6. BEWILDERED : Can't tell his own fart from others
7. BIG BULLY : Farts louder than others
8. CARELESS : Farts in church
9. CHILDISH : Farts and then giggles
10. CLEVER : Farts and coughs at the same time
11. CONCEITED : Thinks he can fart the loudest
12. CONFUSED : Is such an ***, fart can't tell which way to go
13. CUTE : Smells your farts and then tells you what you were eating
14. DARNED MEAN : Farts and then pulls the covers over his wife's head
15. DISHONEST : Farts and then blames the dog
16. DISAPPOINTED : Fart doesn't smell
17. DUMB : Enjoys other farts, thinks they are his own
18. ENVIRONMENTALIST : Farts regularly but is concerned about the pollution
19. FOOLISH : Suppresses a fart for hours
20. FRESH GUY : Jumps in front of you and then farts
21. GROUCH : Grumbles when ladies fart
22. HONEST : Admits he farted but offers a good medical reason
23. IMPUDENT : Farts out aloud and then laughs
24. LAZY : Just fizzles
25. MASOCHIST : Farts in the bath tub and tries to bite the bubbles
26. MISERABLE : Can't fart at all
27. MUSICAL : Tenor or Bass. Clear as a bell, smells acrid, and sounds like hell
28. NERVOUS : Stops in the middle of a fart
29. PROUD : Thinks his farts are exceptionally pleasant
30. SADIST : Farts in bed, then fluffs the covers
31. SCIENTIFIC : Bottles his farts
32. SENSITIVE : Farts and then starts crying
33. SHY : Blushes when he farts silently
34. SLOB : Farts and stains his underwear
35. SMART ALEC : Farts when ladies are present
36. SNEAKY : Farts and blames it on the dog
37. STINGY : Belches to save his ***-hole
38. STRATEGIC : Conceals his fart by loud laughter
39. THRIFTY : One who always has farts in reserve
40. TIMID : Jumps when he farts
41. UNFORTUNATE : Tries to fart but stains himself
42. VAIN : One who loves the smell of his own fart
43. WHIMPY : Farts at the slightest exertion
44. WISE GUY : Farts and asks who did it

Since I don't even have time to read them all I can't imagine the amount of free time the person who wrote a 44 item "fart chart" must have. He must be "45".

For all the mamabears.......

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small, empty bowl.

“Who's been eating my porridge?” he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty.

“Who's been eating my Porridge?” he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, “For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?”

“It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the table, it was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-butts downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time...”

“I haven’t made the stupid porridge yet!”


LOVE IT! LOL

A Taxi driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago.

Nothing is moving north or south.

Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened, what's the hold up?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"

"About a gallon."

LOL :claps: :ignore:

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.''

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

''Your third wish?'' asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. ''Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?'' she asks.

*** POOF ***

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, ''Bet you're sorry you had me neutered.''

I dialed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."

Hey, Jer.. Long time no see. (Or at least it seems that way).

Yeah, I had to cut back. I kept checking the joke page though and nobody was posting anything. Yours was the last on 27 Oct. Maybe things are just too serious here.

A salesman checked into a futuristic hotel. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00.' "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit... which now had a button sewn on the end. :p

Oh, preco, that hurts :verysad:
I just wish I knew a joke that ended with swinging her around the room by her boobs! :teeth:

Oh, preco, that hurts :verysad:



So you've used that machine!?:eek:

:p

Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout.

Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.

They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.

About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought."

Sally replied, "I don't understand! Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."

John the farmer was in the egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The i-Tit will cost €499 or €599 depending on cup size. This has been hailed as a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

:hmmmm2: might be a re-post

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said,'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
> was
> nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope,
> propped
> up prominently onthe pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst
> premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the
> letter.
> Dear Dad:
> It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
> with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and
> you.
> I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I
> knew
> you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos,
> tight
> motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But
> it's
> not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be
> very
> happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for
> the
> whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has
> opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
> We'll
> be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that
> live
> nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that
> science
> will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it
> .Don't
> worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm
> sure
> that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your
> grandchildren.
> Love, Your Son John
> P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.
>
> I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are
> worse
> things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
> I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...


1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have
e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to
help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or
60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too:

"A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry." she told him.

"Really?" asked the boyfriend, "And just how many men are you planning to marry?"

Very cute.
Here's one...see if anyone can get it.

How does a chick with no arms and legs get across a freeway?
Hint?
Take the "F" out of "free" and the "F" out of "way"...as in freeway

Got it? Scroll down for the answer.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
++
++===+=


+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+

There IS no "F" in "way". LOL
Say it outloud. :p

Taste Test gone Wrong

A researcher was doing an experiment on children's taste-buds. He had blindfolded a second grade class, and given them all one Life-Saver candy. Then he told them to taste it, and tell him what kind of candy it was.

They all tried, and could not figure it out, so he gave them a hint. "Its something that your parents might call each other sometimes."

Then a little girl spit hers out and cried, "Everyone, spit them out, they're a#@holes!!"

Why am I married? - (sorry to bash the men)



A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: 'Husband Wanted'. Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.


If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.


A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death '

Godfather

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls for his grandson to approach the bed;

'Lissin a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome-plated 38-caliber revolver so you will always remember me.'

The grandson smiles weakly and replies; 'But grandpa, I really doan a lika guns. Howzabout you leava me you ROLEX watch instead?'

Gasping for air the old man answers with a snarl in his voice; 'Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business. You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybea a couple of bambinos.'

After a slight pause to catch his breath he continues; 'Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then ... pointa to you watch and say 'Times up'?

CHRISTMAS WISH



To All My Democrat Friends:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.  

To My Republican Friends:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Click here to listen to the music (http://www.allerdice.net/Downloads/Scotsman%20Song.mp3)

Well a Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar on evening fair
And one could tell by how we walked that he drunk more than his share
He fumbled round until he could no longer keep his feet
Then he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
He stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street

About that time two young and lovely girls just happend by
And one says to the other with a twinkle in her eye
See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt

They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be
Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see
And there behold, for them to see, beneath his Scottish skirt
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth

They marveled for a moment, then one said we must be gone
Let's leave a present for our friend, before we move along
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon, tied into a bow
Around the bonnie star, the Scots kilt did lift and show
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
Around the bonnie star, the Scots kilt did lift and show

Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled towards a tree
Behind a bush, he lift his kilt and gawks at what he sees
And in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes.
O lad I don't know where you been but I see you won first prize
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
O lad I don't know where you been but I see you won first prize

What It Means To Be Cold In Michigan

60 above
Missourians try to turn on the heat.
Michigan people plant gardens.
50 above
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Michigan people sunbathe.

40 above
Italian cars won't start.
Michigan people drive with the windows down.

32 above
Distilled water freezes.
Lake Michigan's water gets thicker.


20 above
Floridians wear coats, gloves and woolly hats.
Michigan people throw on a sweatshirt.

15 above
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
Michigan people have the last cookout before it gets cold.

- 0 -
People in Miami cease to exist.
Michigan people lick the flagpole.

20 below
Canadians fly away to Mexico.
Michigan people get out their winter coats.

40 below
Milwaukee disintegrates.
Michigan's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.

60 below
Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica.
Michigan's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival"
classes until it gets cold enough.

80 below
Mt. St. Helen's freezes.
Michigan people rent some videos.

100 below
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Michigan people get frustrated when they
can't thaw the keg.

297 below
Microbial life ceases to survive on dairy products.
Michigan cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

460 below
ALL atomic motion stops.
Michigan people start saying...."Cold `nuff for ya?"

500 below
Hell freezes over.
The Detroit Lions win the Super Bowl.

LOL

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/flies.png

You catch more flies with bull[crap] than you do with either honey or vinegar.

Cajun Gator Stunt
A Cajun walks into a bar with A pet alligator by his side.
He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the
astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this
alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then
the gator will close his Mouth for one minute. "Then he'll
open his mouth And I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this Spectacle, Each of you will
buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, Dropped his trousers,
And placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's
open mouth. The gator closed his mouth As the
crowd gasped. After a minute, The man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the Alligator hard on the top of its head.
The gator opened his mouth And the man removed his
genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered,
And the first of his free Drinks were delivered. The man
stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone
$100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar..
A Blonde woman timidly Spoke up..........
"I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"

Old Jokes! LOL Happy holiday's to all. :santaclaus:

An elderly gentleman.. had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really !? Like a new born baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."



An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.. The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."


Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast?"


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."


A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

Thoughts for today!



1. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.



2.. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.



3 If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.



4. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.



5 If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything..



6. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.



7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.



8. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.



9. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

.



10 Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and laxative on the same night

Q: Why is Christmas like a day at the office?

A: Because you do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

A Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies "These are not pigs these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says,

"Excellent trade, sir."

LOL :claps:

nice, danc

Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

A Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies "These are not pigs these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says,

"Excellent trade, sir."

Why would a jackass be carrying two pigs? :hmmmm2:
:p

Why would a jackass be carrying two pigs? :hmmmm2:
:p

You have your parties mixed up....Republicans are Elephants, Democrats are Jackasses............:noidea:

Why do women have boobs?







So you have something to look at while you're talking to them.
-Peter Griffin

You have your parties mixed up....Republicans are Elephants, Democrats are Jackasses............:noidea:

Then I suppose Dubya should've been a Democrat.

Which party is the margaritas?:cocktail:

Why do women have boobs?







So you have something to look at while you're talking to them.
-Peter Griffin

Recently sighted T-shirt:

Please tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man,

"But let me tell you about my weekend!

TEACHER:
George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS:
Because George still had the ax in his hand.

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a
busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front ofhim. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could
have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn,
screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with
her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a Holding cell. After a
couple ofhours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door . She
was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I
pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the
guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated
Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car. :p

:driver:

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the
door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain,
is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it
is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunken guy
asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain
out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke
down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should
help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man
does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still
there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need
a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the
reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

:rofl: I almost spit my pickle out reading that one! :rofl:

I've seen that one before Preco and it always cracks me up!!!!!!!!!
I love it!

Use the Word Fascinate

Little Johnny
A first-grade teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word fascinate in it.
A little girl stands up and says, ''Walt Disney World is so fascinating.''
The teacher says, ''No, that's not correct. I said, fascinate.''
Another little girl stands up and says, ''There's so much fascination when it comes to sea life.''
The teacher again says, ''No, the word is fascinate.''
So Little Johnny in the back of the room stands up and says, ''Well, my sister has such
big boobs that she can only "fascinate" of the ten buttons on her shirt.''

The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies".
He asked, how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies ? About half held up their hands.

He repeated his question. Now about 80 percent of the congregation held up their hands.


Again, he repeated the question. All responded, except one elderly lady.


"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"


"I don't have any," she said.


The preacher then asked "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-three," she replied.


"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, then says, "I outlived all those SOB's".

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried,the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him...

"You're gonna try again."

A Priest and a Rabbi happen to be seated next to each other on a long flight. Both being men of the cloth, they quickly engage in a good-natured discussion on a variety of religious issues. Eventually, though, they became tired and fell silent.

After a few minutes, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, "Rabbi, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but I was just curious - have you ever tasted pork?"

The Rabbi thought about the question for a short time, looked up to Heaven for inspiration, then said, "You know, Father, before I entered rabbinical school, I did stray from the straight and narrow path, and I did taste the flesh of the pig."

The Priest nodded his head in understanding and the two men fell silent again.

After a few minutes, the Rabbi turned back to the Priest, and asked, "Father, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but I was just curious - have you ever had sex?"

The Priest thought about the question for a short time, looked up to Heaven for inspiration, then said, "You know, Rabbi, before I entered the seminary, I did stray from the straight and narrow path, and I did make love to a woman."

The Rabbi nodded his head in understanding and the two men fell silent again.

After a few minutes, the Rabbi turned back to the Priest and said, "Sure beats the Hell out of pork, doesn't it, Father?"

I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car . . . and you know how you just get sooo stressed and life seems to get funny?

Well, I could NOT believe it . . he was a dwarf. He storms over to my car, he looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"...

and that's when the fight started . .LOL

:rofl: I got this in an email and have been rolling all morning! :rofl:

Obviously he was GRUMPY!!

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season."

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said , "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

Subject: Discoveries

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!

You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter.

Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!

Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied,

"I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Here's how we save the airlines.

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services."

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

Does Hillary support this "airline health plan" or is she really the one who thought of it?

I'm not going there, Jerry

Spoofee Rule 11(a) 102.3 subsection 4, paragraph 6 states:

The discussion of politics in the "joke thread" thread is strictly forbidden.

Spoofee Rule 11(a) 102.3 subsection 4, paragraph 6 states:

The discussion of politics in the "joke thread" thread is strictly forbidden.

Uh, yeah

Hey, there goes the dragon!!

I'm not going there, Jerry

I just thought it was funny. Heaven forbid I would ever interject a controversial or political opinion :28:

And I would NEVER go against "Spoofee Rule 11(a) 102.3 subsection 4, paragraph 6". Goodness gracious no. :sus:

Or for that matter, violate Directive 10-289.

~ Annoy a politician today - THINK
~ If ignorance is Bliss, Washington DC must be Paradise!
~ I love my country. It's my government I fear.
~ Why should we trust the government with automatic weapons?
~ Don't steal. The government hates competition.
~ It's worse than you think and they ARE out to get you!
~ Sure you can trust the Government! Just ask an Indian!
~ Ignore your rights and they'll go away
~ Question Authority before it Questions You!
~ Civil Disobedience - It's not just for Revolutionaries anymore!
~ Power Corrupts - Isn't that what it's for?
~ Downsizing is good, right? Then let's fire Uncle Sam!
~ They're Lying...
~ Ignore the propaganda. Focus on what you see.
~ Stop repeat offenders Don't re-elect them!
~ We will never have great leaders as long as we mistake education for intelligence, ambition for ability, and a winning smile for integrity!
~ Only lawyers get to be judges, and that's the (F)LAW!
~ Never trust a government that doesn't trust YOU!
~ Freedom of Religion means ALL Religions
~ If you believe you can tell me what to think, I believe I can tell you where to go.
~ A world without war; a dream to some, a nightmare to the arms manufacturers.
~ Guns didn't make America unsafe, Courts and Congress did!
~ Fight Organized Crime -- Don't Re-elect ANYONE!
~ This interoffice oversized air-conditioned vehicle leased to:
American Association for the Abolition of Acronym Abuse Regional Group Headquarters / Staff Transport Office Pool (AAAAARGH/STOP)

DONT KNOCK IT UNTIL YOU TRY IT.

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to
my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of
characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically
comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece! of toilet paper and stand
in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts
larger over the years?"



Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

...Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

I can't wait to try this on my wife... keep an eye on the NJ newspapers reporting my death.

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she
prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

A four-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied

NAGGING WIFE





An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day

trying to get a stay of execution for a client who

was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor

had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door

at home, his wife started on him about,

'What time of night to be getting home is this?

Where have you been?'


'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.

And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this

familiar ritual, he went and poured himself

a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long

hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the

predictable sarcastic remarks

as he drug himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her

husband's client, James Wright,

had been granted a stay of execution after all.

Wright would not be hanged tonight.


Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had,

she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.


As she opened the bathroom door,

she was greeted by the sight of her husband,

bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.


'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed,

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN,

DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

Why do midgets laugh when they run???


=> Because the grass tickles their balls. :evil:

NAGGING WIFE





An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day

trying to get a stay of execution for a client who

was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor

had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door

at home, his wife started on him about,

'What time of night to be getting home is this?

Where have you been?'


'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.

And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this

familiar ritual, he went and poured himself

a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long

hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the

predictable sarcastic remarks

as he drug himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her

husband's client, James Wright,

had been granted a stay of execution after all.

Wright would not be hanged tonight.


Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had,

she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.


As she opened the bathroom door,

she was greeted by the sight of her husband,

bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.


'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed,

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN,

DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

LOL

LOL

..

Why do midgets laugh when they run???


=> Because the grass tickles their balls. :evil:

:sus: ok I know I'll regret asking but why do they laugh?

nevermind lol when its highlighted in blue I can see the answer

Guy wakes up, and as he's getting dressed, his shoe lace snaps.

As he leaves for work, his door knob breaks off.

When he gets to work, the handle on his briefcase breaks off.

He's telling this to a friend, and the friends asks " So, you're having a bad day, whats the big deal?"
The guy who keeps breaking handles, knobs, etc, answers " Nothing really, I'm just afraid to go pee". :worry:

:tongue:

:wave: This isn't really a joke, but it is hilarious- turn your sound up :rofl:

Click here: http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf

Top Ten C&W Songs


10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I Woke Up With a Few.

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.

5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here.

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Miss Him.

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My A*s All Day

A young sailor was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he looks over and sees a pirate. The pirate has a wooden peg-leg, a hook for a hand, and patch over his eye. Unable to resist, the sailor asks “How’d you end up with a peg-leg?”

“I was swept overboard during a fierce storm,” says the pirate. “and a bloody shark bit off me whole darn leg!”

“Holy cow!” said the sailor. “What about the hook, how’d you get that?”

“Me crew and I were boarding an enemy ship, a fierce sword battle ensued. One of them cut me darn arm!”

“Absolutely incredible!” gasped the sailor. “And the eye patch, tell me how you got that?”

“A bloody seagull dropping fell into me eye,” replied the pirate.

“Umm, you lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” asked the sailor, astonished.

Embarassed, the pirate answered “It was me first day with the hook.”

DanC, I could see that one coming! :rofl:

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"


She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."


The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"


She says, "That he did, Father."


The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"


"She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun..."

Ted wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head
to
foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've
regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't
remember, but you were in a pile-up on the
freeway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and
everything, except for one thing. I'll try to break
this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped
off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."

Ted groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000
in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have
the technology now to build you a new willy that will
work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But
the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an
inch."

Ted perks up at this.

"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide
how
many inches you want. But it's something you'd better
discuss with your wife and. I mean, if you had a five
inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine
incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a
nine inch one before, and you decide to only invest in
a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So
it's important that she plays a role in helping you
make the decision."

Ted agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes
back the next day.

"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your
wife?"

"I have," says Ted.

"And has she helped you in making the decision?"

"She has," says Ted.

"And what is it?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting a new kitchen."

Why, Why, Why


do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......



The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

:wave: This isn't really a joke, but it is hilarious- turn your sound up :rofl:

Click here: http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf

This is SOOO funny! I laughed so hard I was in tears!

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

I tell my kids the same thing! "It's the same from when you were in there fifteen minutes ago." LOL LOL

A Woman was out golfing one
day when she hit the ball into the woods.


She went into the woods to look for it and found a
frog in a trap.


The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this
trap, I will grant you three wishes.'


The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank
you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.


Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'


The woman said, 'That's okay.'


For her first wish, she wanted to be the most
beautiful woman in the world.


The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish
will also make your husband the most handsome man
in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.


The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be
the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'


So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!


For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest
woman in the world.


The frog said, 'That will make your husband the
richest man in the world. And he will be ten times
richer than you.'


The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is
his and what's his is mine.'


So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!


The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she
answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'


Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess
with them.



Attention female readers : This is the end of the
joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.



Male readers : Please scroll down.



...

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...

...

...

...

...

..

...

...

...

....

...

...

...

...

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.



Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but
think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy
the show.


PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this;
it only goes to show that women never listen...


now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.:mmph:

Baby's First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came'

:p

Maxine was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, she said, 'Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila.'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

She looked up again and said, 'Never mind. I found one.'

An old country preacher had a teenage son, who needed to consider choosing a profession for life.


Although he didn't have a clue what he wanted to do for his lifetime career, he wasn't at all concerned about it.


One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room & placed on his study table four objects.


1. Bible.
2. silver dollar.
3. bottle of whisky.
4. Playboy magazine.


'I'll just hide behind the door', the old preacher said to himself.'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible; he's going to be a preacher like me, & what a blessing that'd be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, & that'd be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, & Lord, what a shame that'd be; but worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.'


The old man waited anxiously, & soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling & heading for his room.


The boy tossed his books on the bed, & as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.


Finally, he picked up the Bible & placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar dropping it into his pocket; - uncorked the bottle, taking a big swig, while he admired this month's centerfold.


'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered. ' He's gonna run for Congress."

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.


In the third shop everything had just been reduced to five dollars when her cell phone rang.


It was a doctor notifying her that her husband had been in a terrible accident, was in critical condition, and in the ICU.


The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.


As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best shopping day ever.


She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital and ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful slice of coffee cake, compliments of the last shop.


She was jubilant......then remembered her husband.


Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital where she saw the doctor in charge and she asked about her husband's condition.


The doctor, a woman, glared at her and shouted, "You finished your shopping trip .....didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!


While you spent the past hours enjoying yourself, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit!


But let me tell you........it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take because for the rest of his life he will require round the clock care.


And you'll be his care giver!


The woman, bowed down by guilt and shock, broke into loud sobs.


Patting her on the shoulder the lady doctor chuckled and said,


"I'm just pulling your leg....he's dead......what did you buy?"

After Chelsea Clinton returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time.

Chelsea replies she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in love.

Hillary then asks, "You didn't have sex, did you?"

Chelsea replies, "Not according to Dad."

------------------------------------------------------------







DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM





PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER





ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER





DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT





THE EYES: !
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE





GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE





THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS





SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME





ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY





ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT





SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S





A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE





ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE






AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

very good :claps:

'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'


Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is scream ing at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real b*tch this time.'


BOB's funeral will be on Friday. :05:

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?'

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.'

'Oh, I see,' replied the boy pensively. 'I've heard of that in health class at school.'

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?'

The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.'

'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then, who are these for?'

'Those are for college men,' the dad answers. 'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.'

'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'Then, who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, 'Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Women's Friends:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The husband called his wife's ten best friends. None of them had seen her or knew what he was talking about.

Men's Friends:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

Husband and wife are shopping at the supermarket when the man picks up a case of beer and sticks it into the cart.


'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.


'They're on sale, only $10 for 12 cans', he says.


'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...


A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the cart.


'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man.


'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.


The man replies... 'SO DOES 12 CANS OF BEER...AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE!!'

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up
behind
him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your
pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one
of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good
explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up
and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which
knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the heck was
that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.


She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.


He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.


She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.


"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. Why are you down here at this time of night?"


The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he asks solemnly.


The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is.


"Yes, I do" she replies.


The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.


"Do you remember when your dad caught us in the back seat of my car?"


"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.


The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"


"I remember that, too" she replies softly.


He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...


"I would have gotten out today."

The Chauffer


After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded
Into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the
Driver notices the Pope still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would
You please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they
never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a
Cardinal, and now that I'm Pope, I'd really like to
Drive today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do
that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should
happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd
never gone to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be
something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a
smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope
climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets
his decision when, after exiting the airport, the
Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
(Remember, he's German.)

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried
driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal
until they hear sirens. "Oh, Dear God, I'm gonna lose
my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the
cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him,
goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I
need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that
he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really big,"
said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit
of persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: " The Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The President?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is stumped, " You been drinking, John? "

Cop: " No Sir."

Chief: " Then what makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

Ew. hahahhaha!

Little Johnny Learns Numbers
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three."

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"The Jack," says the kid.

A client bought a new home and the broker wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the home and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new home".

A client bought a new home and the broker wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the home and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new home".



Funny LOL .

Are You The Father of One Of My Kids?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy goes to the supermarket & notices a pretty woman waving at him.

She says hello.

He's rather confused because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?" she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now he's thinking back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife & says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I fooled around w/on the pool table w/ all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt w/ leather whips???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

"No, I'm your son's teacher."

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health:


1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.


2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.


3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.


4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.


5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.


CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


The Government Is Trying To Correct This Problem

A new supermarket opened in my neighborhood.


It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.


When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of freshly mown hay.


In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.


When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.


The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.


I don't buy toilet paper there.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


The Government Is Trying To Correct This Problem


LOL have i told you yet today how much i adore you??? :like:

((In my best Elvis voice)

Thank You, thankyouverymuch!

Those jokes are too funny, Dan!! :claps:

THE COPING DIET

Only girlfriends can understand this one. This is specially
formulated diet
designed to help women cope with the stress that builds
during the day.

Breakfast
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

Lunch
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken
1 cup spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey's kiss

Afternoon Snack
The rest of the Hershey kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate chips

Dinner
4 glasses of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 Snickers Bars

Late Night Snack
1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

Remember: Stressed spelled backward is desserts.

LOL! Didn't know that stressed is desserts spelled backwards!

LOL! Didn't know that stressed is desserts spelled backwards!



:rofl: I think that's why they counteract each other! :claps:

A couple decides to go golfing to the best golf course in their state.


While playing, the husband tells his wife to be very careful, as there were many houses along the golf course, but the wife swings her club and breaks one of the windows of the biggest house on the course. The husband and wife decide to go and apologize to the owner of the house. When they reach the house they find a glass bottle lying on the floor broken into hundreds of pieces.


They then find an old man sitting in a rocking chair in the corner.


"I am a genie and I would like to thank you for letting me free from this bottle," the old man says, "and I would like to grant you two wishes, but the third wish is mine."


The husband thinks about it for a moment and says, "I want a private aircraft for myself." The wife says, "I would like a house in every single country in the world."


The genie agrees and says, "For the past 200 years I have not had sex and I would like to have sex with your wife."


The husband agrees and the genie takes the woman upstairs and begins having sex with her.


Once they are done, he rolls over and asks the woman, "How old is your husband?"


"47," she replies.


"Wow," the man says, shaking his head, "And he still believes in genies?

Dear Abbey:
I know a couple of women who recently bought a house. One is a middle-aged auto mechanic, and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their house. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES COME FROM?????

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'

'Nonsense,' the doctor said'.

'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'


'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.'????? ?'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'


'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex??? '
The man seemed a bit ashamed . 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'


'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.

'It's rust.'

Someone out there
is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM


PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER


ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER


DESPERATION:

When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT


THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE


GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE


THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS


SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME


ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY


ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT


SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S


A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE


ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law)

An Elderly Wedding


An elderly couple had been dating each other for 30 years and, at the urging of their friends and family, the finally decided it was time to get married. But first, they agreed they should work out the details of how their marriage was going to be, as to avoid any let downs or misunderstandings.


So the older couple went out to a nice dinner and had a long conversation about how their marriage is going to work. They discussed living arrangements, finances and other important stuff. Finally, the older gentleman decided it was time to bring up the subject of their physical relationship.


“How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather trustingly yet intrigued.


“Well,” she said, trying to choose her words carefully, “I’d have to say… I would like it infrequently.”


The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked… “Is that one word or two?”

MY LIVING WILL

Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a hag......

A Hillbilly went hunting one day in Georgia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies.


The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license; the hillbilly pulled out a valid Georgia hunting license.


The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, 'This duck ain't from Georgia. This is a Tennessee duck. You got a Tennessee huntin' license, boy?'


The hillbilly reached in to his walle t and produced a Tennessee hunting license.


The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt,and said 'This ain't no Tennessee duck. This duck's From Mississippi.

You got a Mississippi license?'


The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Mississippi hunting license.


The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said,


'This ain't no Mississippi duck. This here duck's from South Carolina .. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?'


Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.


The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly,
'Boy, just where the hell are you from?'


The hillbilly turned around, dropped his pants, bent over, and said, 'You tell me. You're the expert.'

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's
most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his
lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though
your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to
charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the
United Way?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you
that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical
bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh..... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and
confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children.'

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sist er's husband died in a
dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children,
one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an
array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no
idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So..... if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you
think I'd give any to you?'

Married doggy style sex:
He sits up and begs
She rolls over and plays dead.

'Wish I could think so quickly.'

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'

HOW TO BAKE A CAKE WITH A BABY IN THE HOUSE
Preheat oven, get out utensils and ingredients.
Remove blocks and toy autos from table.
Grease pan, crack nuts.
Measure two cups flour;
Remove baby's hands from flour, wash flour off baby.
Remeasure flour.
Put flour, baking powder, salt in sifter.
Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked on floor.
Get another bowl.
Answer doorbell.
Return to kitchen.
Remove baby's hands from bowl.
Wash baby.
Answer phone.
Return.
Remove 1/4 inch salt from greased pan.
Look for baby.
Grease another pan.
Answer telephone.
Return to kitchen and find baby.
Remove baby's hands from bowl.
Take up greased pan, find layer of nutshells in it.
Head for baby, who flees, knocking bowl off table.
Wash kitchen floor, table, wall, dishes.
Call baker.
Lie down.

For some reason this made me think of many of my Spoofee friends. :convinced:

HOW TO BAKE A CAKE WITH A BABY IN THE HOUSE
Preheat oven, get out utensils and ingredients.
Remove blocks and toy autos from table.
Grease pan, crack nuts.
Measure two cups flour;
Remove baby's hands from flour, wash flour off baby.
Remeasure flour.
Put flour, baking powder, salt in sifter.
Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked on floor.
Get another bowl.
Answer doorbell.
Return to kitchen.
Remove baby's hands from bowl.
Wash baby.
Answer phone.
Return.
Remove 1/4 inch salt from greased pan.
Look for baby.
Grease another pan.
Answer telephone.
Return to kitchen and find baby.
Remove baby's hands from bowl.
Take up greased pan, find layer of nutshells in it.
Head for baby, who flees, knocking bowl off table.
Wash kitchen floor, table, wall, dishes.
Call baker.
Lie down.

For some reason this made me think of many of my Spoofee friends. :convinced:

Have you been to my house? ;)

Nice work if you can get it.

Dear Boss,

I have enjoyed working here these past several years. You have paid me
very well, given me benefits beyond belief. I have 3-4 months off per year
and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and a health plan
that most people can only dream about.

Despite this, I plan to take the next 12-18 months off, to find a new position.

During this time I will show up for work when it is convenient. In
addition I fully expect to draw my full salary and all the other perks
associated with my current job.

Oh yeah, if my search for this new job proves fruitless, I will be
back with no loss in pay or status. Before you say anything, remember
that you have no choice in the matter. I can and will do this.

Sincerely,
Every Senator or Congressman running for President.



Try that at your job and see how it works out.

THE AMISH ELEVATOR....

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is".

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son .....

"Go get your mother."

Boy, is he going to be disappointed.

A farmer got in his pickup truck and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 9 yrs old opened the door.

"Is yer Dad home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the farmer, "is yer Mom here?"

"No sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND....

These are real notes written by parents in an ALABAMA school district. Spellings have been left intact.



1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on ja n. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the ****s.

12. Please excuse tommy for being ab sent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping becau se i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. G lo ria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Mary ann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fev e r. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

A man and wife were playing in their club's annual "Guys and Dolls" tournament. The man was not happy about having to play, but his wife had insisted.

On the 12th tee, his patience had reached its limit. While his wife wasted time on the ladies tee, he decided to go ahead and hit his drive from the mens. Unfortunately, he misjudged his shot and his ball hit his wife in the back of the head, killing her instantly.

At the hospital the doctor came to talk to the husband. "Mr. Davies, we found a golf ball lodged 3 inches into your wife's brain, which was the the cause of death. But, we have found something else that really puzzles us." "What is it?" asked Mr. Davies. "Well," said the doctor, "we also found a golf ball lodged 6 inches into her anal cavity."

The husband dismissed the doctor with a wave of his hand "Oh, that was just my Mulligan!"

There once was a girl named Marie....

Whose bra size was merely a 'B'.

From the doctor she got

A silicone shot

And now she's a size Double 'D'

Why do blondes leave empty milk cartons in the fridge?
In case someone wants black coffee.

There once was a fellow named Stan

Who knew he was no kind of man

To the doctor he went

Many dollars he spent

And now all his friends call him Fran.

Golfing


Sam stood over his tee shot on the 350 yard 18th hole for what seemed
An eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but
Didn't start his back swing.

Finally his partner asked, 'What's wrong Sam? Why you taking so long to tee off?'

'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Sam explained. 'I
want to make a perfect shot.'

His companion exclaimed. 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting
her from here'.

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'Potentially' and 'Realistically'?"


The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. And then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."


So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"


The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"


The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"


The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.


His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?" The boy replied: "Yes.


'Potentially,' you and I are sitting on three million dollars, But 'realistically,' we're living with two hookers and a future congressman.

A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.


So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.


She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.


"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?


"Morris Goldstein," he replied.


"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"


"For about 60 years."


"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"


"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."


"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. "


"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."


"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" asked the reporter.


The man thought for a moment.


"Like I'm talking to a fricking wall."

A SHORT LOVE STORY
>
> A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both
>married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same
>sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
>
> Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
>they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth
>and she in the lower.
>
> At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman
>saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
>into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
>
> 'I have a better idea,'she replied 'Just for tonight, let's
>pretend that we're married.'
>
> 'Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
>
> 'Good,'she replied. 'Get your own fu*king blanket.'
>
> After or a moment of silence, he farted.
>
>
>
> The End
>

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar.
The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.
The Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you.'
'Well,' said the Englishman, 'At my village local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first two.'
'Ahhh, dat's nothin,' said the Irishman. 'Back home in Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, and another, and in fact all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you have sex for free. All on the house!'
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims.
But, the Irishman swears every word is true.
'Well,' said the Englishman, 'Did this actually happen to you?'
'Not me me-self, personally, no,' said the Irishman. 'But it did happen to me sister a few times.'

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later, the same Irishman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says "Yes," and he asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately, the Irishman tears into all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

What happens when you drink beer

http://mithuro.com/presscuefiles/january/beer_goggle.swf

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with
those expensive, double-pane energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed
them.

He was complaining that the windows had been installed a
whole year ago and I had not paid for them yet.

Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid.

So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy
had told ME last year...namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows
would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo'? (I told him). It's been a year'!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I
finally just hung up....

He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about
forgetting the guarantee they made me.

Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore.

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud
pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door
where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain,
is asking for a push.


'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.


'Who was that?' asked his wife.


'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.


'Did you help him?' she asks.


'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring
rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife.


'Can't you remember about three months ago when
we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be
ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed,
and goes out into the pounding rain.


He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.


'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.



'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.




'Where are you?' asks the husband.




'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

Making a baby


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
=0 D
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted

Dictionary For Decoding Women's Personal Ads
40-ish................................49.
Adventurous.....................Slept with everyone.
Athletic...............................No breasts.
Average looking....................Moooo.
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure................On medication.
Feminist................................Fat.
Free spirit............................Junkie.
Friendship first......................Former slut.
New-Age.............Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned.......................No Lewinskies.
Open-minded.......................Desperate.
Outgoing.........................Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional..........................*****.
Voluptuous..........................Very Fat.
Large frame.........................Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate..................Stalker.

Dictionary For Decoding Women's Personal Ads
40-ish................................49.
Adventurous.....................Slept with everyone.
Athletic...............................No breasts.
Average looking....................Moooo.
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure................On medication.
Feminist................................Fat.
Free spirit............................Junkie.
Friendship first......................Former slut.
New-Age.............Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned.......................No Lewinskies.
Open-minded.......................Desperate.
Outgoing.........................Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional..........................B****.
Voluptuous..........................Very Fat.
Large frame.........................Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate..................Stalker.

Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain were flying to a debate. Barack looked at Hillary , Chuckled and said, “You know I could throw a one-thousand-dollar-bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.”

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, “I could throw ten one-hundred-dollar-bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.”

John added, “That being the case, I could throw one hundred ten-dollar-bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.”

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot, “Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 300 million people very happy.”

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

7 Shades Of Blonde

1st Shade:

A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the telephone, listened a moment, and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear'."


2nd Shade:

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the pavement and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

She hands it to the second blonde.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"


3rd Shade:

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.

She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"


4th Shade:

A blonde brags about her knowledge of American state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead; ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh that's easy -- 'W'."


5th Shade:

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"


6th Shade:

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch. "Wow!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was trampled on by an elephant! Are you OK, ma'am?"

"Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road, when from out of nowhere this tree popped up in front of me, so I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."

"Uh, madam," the officer said, cutting her off as he looked inside the car, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles, that was your air-freshener swinging back and forth."


7th Shade:

Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to see that she had been robbed.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?

They send me a BLIND policeman!"

> > Subject: Don't Mess With Mature Ladies
> >
> >
> > A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
> >
> >
> > Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
> > Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
> >
> > Older Woman: Oh, I see.
> >
> > Officer: Can I see your license please?
> >
> > Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
> >
> > Officer: Don't have one?
> >
> > Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
> >
> > Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration
> papers please.
>
> >
> > Older Woman: I can't do that.
> >
> > Officer: Why not?
> >
> > Older Woman: I stole this car.
> >
> > Officer: Stole it?
> >
> > Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the
> owner.
> >
> > Officer: You what?
> >
> > Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the
> trunk if
> you want to see
> >
> > The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to
> his car and
> calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
> A senior
> officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
>
> >
> > Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
> please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.
> >
> > Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
> >
> > Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have
> stolen this
> car and murdered the owner.
> >
> > Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
> >
> > Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of
> your car,
> please.
> >
> > The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an
> empty trunk.
> >
> > Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
> >
> > Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
> > The officer is quite stunned.
> >
> > Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not
> have a
> driving license.
> >
> > The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch
> purse and
> hands it to the officer.
> >
> > The officer examines the license. He looks quite
> puzzled.
> >
> > Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you
> didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you
> murdered and
> hacked up the owner.
> >
> > Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding,
> too.

Missing Husband

Rick was in trouble -- He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.
She told him, 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE!!'

The next morning, Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused and curious, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway,
and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new....BATHROOM SCALE.

Rick has been missing since Friday.
Please pray for him.

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother
who is four years older than I am. I was maybe one and a half years old and had just recovered
from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of
my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening
news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought
Daddy a little cup of 'tea,' which was just water. After several cups of tea and
lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to
watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of
tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur
to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?'

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody

Smart Blonde Joke

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan Officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title, and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 Loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?'

At last, a smart blonde joke!

POLITICS From two words-"Poly" meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking leaches"

Why do they bury politicians 16 feet under ground?
Because they're all nice people deep down.

..i know they're groaners, but I can so rarely remember a joke to re-tell it!

So why did the chicken cross the playground? :hmmmm2:




To get to the other slide....:p

Hillary, Biden, Pelosi and Obama were in a boat, going down the river.


The river rapids were extremely rough.


The boat capsized.


Who was saved?



























































America.

A cabbie picks up a Nun.
>
> She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
> cab driver won't stop staring at her.
>
> She asks him why he is staring.
>
> He replies:
> I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.
>
> She answers,
> My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
> and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
> hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you
could
> say or ask that I would find offensive.
>
> Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.
>
> She responds,
> Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
> to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'
>
> The cab driver is very excited and says,
> Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
>
> 'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.
>
> The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
> make a hooker blush.
>
> But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
>
> My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?
>
> Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
> I'm married and I'm Jewish.
>
> The nun says, 'That's OK.
> My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.
>
> HAPPY HALLOWEEN !!!

Mike and Bob had just finished the the first nine and it was obvious that Mike was having a bad day.

"Gee Mike, you're just not your old self today, what's the matter?" asked Bob.

Mike, looking pretty glum, said, "I think Mable's dead."

"That's terrible," said Bob, "you think your wife is dead. Aren't you sure?"

"Well," responded Mike, "the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up."

Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One! that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before add ing new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and we nt on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken 2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash or need to be rebooted.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken
__________________

Funny stuff, Sharon!! :claps:

"AL GORE: I invented the chicken." LOL

I liked Jerry Fallwell....:rofl:

The question is:
What Do Retired People Do All Day?


Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'





He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a turd.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a s***-head.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.


Personally, we didn't care – we came into town by bus.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

http://thepalincondom.com/

<embed FlashVars='videoId=187584' src='http://www.thedailyshow.com/sitewide/video_player/view/default/swf.jhtml' quality='high' bgcolor='#cccccc' width='332' height='316' name='comedy_central_player' align='middle' allowScriptAccess='always' allownetworking='external' type='application/x-shockwave-flash' pluginspage='http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer'></embed>

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver
won't
stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers,
"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have
been a
nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about
everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I
would
find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
to be
single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and
Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker
blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm
married and I'm
Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

HAPPY HALLOWEEN !!!

A very tired nurse walks into a bank,
totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries
to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great... that's just great...
Some a**hole's got my pen

http://thepalincondom.com/

:sus:I don't believe the message is a bad one.....I'd rather have people use a condom for prevention than use abortion as birth control.....I think she may be on the right track there....:convinced:


;)

P.S. The comedy Central was hilarious.....LOL

There really aren't jokes, they're way too true.

'If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.'-- Mark Twain


Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.... But, then I repeat myself.-- Mark Twain


I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. --Winston Churchill


A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. - George Bernard Shaw



Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)



Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University


Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian



Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -Frederic Bastiat, Economist (1801-1850)


Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -Ronald Reagan ( 1986)


I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. Will Rogers



If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! P.J. O'Rourke



In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -Voltaire (1764)


Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! -Pericles (430 B.C.)


No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -Mark Twain (1866)


Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. -Unknown



The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. -Mark Twain



There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress. -Mark Twain



What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)



A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. -Thomas Jefferson

>>In the face of ignorance, even the gods are helpless.

Is that an example of oxymoron ?

It's a saying of a friend of mine, he picked it up from one of his college profs.

I never thought of it as an oxymoron, just as a truism for those of us who have to deal with people who are ignorant and are happy being so.

By the way, that was NOT a political statement.

I was thinking more like - if you believe in god - then God created ignorant people for a reason - then why would s/he help them - isn't it contradictory.

I wasn't looking from political point of view - just from a logical pow

OMG! A joke thread! How did I miss this? I love jokes and am going to post a bunch LOL!

A bald man with a wooden leg is invited to a Halloween
party.He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his
head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his
problem.

A few days later, he received a parcel with the following
note: Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden
leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have
emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of
complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and
a note, which says:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long
robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head,
you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from
emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so
again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.The next day he
gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a
bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts,
stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel
apple.

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the
activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't
speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to
communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and
stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed
her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma,
you're looking good! How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
nephew......

'Bastards won't let me fart.'

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a
little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need
water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!'

'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not
want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am
bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for
about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the
ice cold water you need. Shalom.'

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

'Your frickin' brother won't let me in without a tie!'

Maxine
took her car to her mechanic.



She
told him 'Every time I
Take any of my friends out in my car,



After a
while there is this terrible smell !! ...



It never
happens when I am driving alone'??

This intrigued
the mechanic, so he said,



'OK, lets
go for a spin
And see what the
problem is.' Off they went.



She drove
down a one-way street in the wrong direction



At 70 MPH,
swerving,



Hitting
the curb on both sides of the street,



Narrowly
missed three pedestrians in
Pedestrian
crossings,



Ran
several red lights,



And just
missed a Policeman on street traffic
duty.



Then, they
returned to the shop, and she
said,



'There it
is now... there's that terrible smell! Can you smell
it?'

'Smell it?



Lady, I'm
sittin' in it!!

HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like
yours.
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like
yours.

HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.

HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out.

HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?

HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the sa me tim e.

HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?

HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I've already seen it.

HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.

HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I'm a female impersonator.

HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE : Do not enter.

HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.

HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone

tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie.


As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off

the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance

takes the body away,


Ronnie says, 'Well, darn, someone should go and

tell his wife.'


Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive

stuff, I'll do it.

'Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of

Budweiser.

Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'



'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband

was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'


'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered

the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow".'

She said, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Rednecks Are Good At This Sensitive Stuff

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the senator.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he
realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises ..

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and,
before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above...

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says.......

'Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.'

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Twopoints in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.


The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of Hishead to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.



The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measuredfrom the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.


The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured, replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'




It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received..




But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which He did... The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. 'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'

The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam ..

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know
what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing.
'The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues,
'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell
and you say something with ass.' The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he
wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some
Cheerios'

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets
up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot
pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his
room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with
astern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?' I don't
know, he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!'

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.


The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.


She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.


When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.


She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

Technology


Three Ladies in a Sauna
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE
SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING
SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND
THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.
THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A
MICROCHIP
UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN
LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE
EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP
IN MY HAND.'
THE OLDER
WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH NOT TO BE OUT
DONE,
SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE
STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO
THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER
HANGING FROM HER REAR END.
THE
OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT
THAT....I'M GETTING A FAX!!

First year students at UC Davis Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them; in veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a vet. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For example - the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing he told his students. The students freaked out hesitated for several minutes but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it. When every body finished the professor looked at them and said, the second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger, now learn to pay attention life’s tough it’s even tougher if you are stupid :eek:

Irish Millionaire




Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

'You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?'

'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!'

'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?'

A: Sparrow B: Thrush C: Magpie D: Cuckoo.

'I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin .'

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated
the question to him.
'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple ....it's a cuckoo.'
'Are you sure?'

'I'm fookin sure.'

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.'

'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris

'Dat it is, Sir.'

There was a long - long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build it's own nest?'

'Because he lives in a Fookin clock!' :doh:

Who would have thought that one would learn that the cuckoo was a brood-parasite from a joke. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brood_parasite

Who would have thought that one would learn that the cuckoo was a brood-parasite from a joke. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brood_parasite

Educational opportunities are all around us Jerry.....;)

LOL

Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing.
"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.

"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.

When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.

"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.

The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline...

http://www.spazntwitch.com/web/images/garfield.jpg

Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

*******12 Things you can only say at Thanksgving!******

01. Talk about a huge breast!

02. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

03. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

04. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

05. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

06. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

08. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

09. You still have a little bit on your chin.

10. How long will it take after you stick it in?

11. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
!
12. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

God said, "Go down into that valley." And Adam said, "What's a valley?"
and God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river" And Adam
said "What's a river?" and God explained it to him.


And then God said, "Go over the hill." And Adam said, "What's a hill?"
and God explained it to him.


Then God told Adam, "On the other side of the hill, you will find a
cave," and Adam said, "what's a cave?" and God explained that to him.


"In the cave you will find a woman." And Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, and said,"I want you to reproduce."
And Adam said, "How do I do that?" So God explained it to him.


So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the
hill, and into the cave, and found the woman, and in about five minutes
he was back.


God said angrily, "What is it now?" And Adam said, "What's a headache?

...God said angrily, "What is it now?" And Adam said, "What's a headache?

So God has met my wife.

So God has met my wife.

Oh, so we married sisters?

Have ya'll noticed the headaches are always the worst when you GUYS are around? It's like husbands are the "anti-advil". Besides, you all get so cranky if we just say "No, go away," so the "headache" story is actually us being nice to you so we don't hurt your feelings. :)

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started
back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a
grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, Why did
you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your
private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen
before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied,
"My wife's first husband."

Have ya'll noticed the headaches are always the worst when you GUYS are around? It's like husbands are the "anti-advil". Besides, you all get so cranky if we just say "No, go away," so the "headache" story is actually us being nice to you so we don't hurt your feelings. :)

How would I 'notice' your headache if I wasn't around?
Are you saying that your boyfriends don't give you headaches, just your husbands?:confused:

A sad passing:

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.



Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Subject: Great Punch Line







A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says,

"Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything
right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed
a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman He was a terrific athlete.
He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf
with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced
like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the
piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a
computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew
all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat
them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a
fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he
could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in
traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem
to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake,
and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel
good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the
wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly
polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a
mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I'm married to his widow."

Do you know why women get yeast infections?

From messing around with the Pillsbury Dough Boy. :eek:

Four guys were playing their weekly game of golf...........

One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, 'Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.'

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, 'Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it.'

Number 2 guy says, 'It cost me an arm and a leg, too. My wife is at home planning a cruise. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.'

Number 3 guy says, 'Well. my wife is at home admiring her new car. Reading the manual.'

They all turned to the fourth guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. 'I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf' ...

She said, 'Take a sweater. It'll be cold.'

A Blonde's Year in Review....

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months......
box said '2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid....wrong instructions....8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing......couldn't find a lake with a slope

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped
because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'..... isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's..... they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ..... instructions said 1 hour
per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911. 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the
stupid phone!!!

Dad at the Mall
>
>
> I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new
> shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he
> was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
> The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors:
> green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager
> would look and
> find him staring every time.
>
>
> When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked,
> 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
>
> Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would
> not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in
> classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
> 'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just
> wondering if you were my son.'

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.

http://i39.tinypic.com/2rope86.jpg
:rofl:

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other,
then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?'

The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store & says ; "Hey, son! May I ask you a question?

Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'

The boy licked his cone and replied,

"Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."

Mexican words of the day

1. *Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

3. *Shoulder*
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.

4. * Texas *
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!

5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair

10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing .

11. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

12. *Budweiser*
That woman over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T TAKE MEN TO THE STORE WITH YOU

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her
trips to Target.


Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women -
- she loved to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.



Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to
ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed
below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
the women's restroom..

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets
from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used
it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12.. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least.

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

I don't see anything wrong with those

Men! :nonod: :nonod: :nonod:


FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home,
who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you
laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust
and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed
and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other.

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.


He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bit*h before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer, and then he went on to become the Governor of Illinois .

Rules for husbands:

1) Be where you're supposed to be

2) Be there on time

3) Be dressed appropriately

4) Have sufficient funds on hand.


that's it, that's all we have to do to keep the wife happy.

A renowned doctor was addressing a large audience about diet habits:

"The material we put into our stomachs is bad enough to have killed most of us sitting here.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and not one of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will, eat it at some time in our lives.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

The Four Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer,
the second man was an Accountant,
the third man was a Chemist, and
the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and
said, 'Measure, do your stuff.'
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?'

T he Government Employee called his cat and said, 'Coffee Break, do your stuff.'
CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......
ate the cookies........
drank the milk.......
sh*t on the paper.......
screwed the other three cats.......
claimed he injured his back while doing so.......
filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......
put in for Workers Compensation...............and
went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............

AND THAT, MY FRIEND, IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

:rofl: Snails

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.

He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

Hilarious!!!!

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/42402/

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.


The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.


A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar, reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the shop.


Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.


After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.


Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,


"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"


"No," the woman replied. "Divorce lawyer."

live topic post

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $10,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did.....better in fact! However, the thing is, it does not come cheap. It's $1,000 an inch.'

The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a six inch one before, and you decide to go for a ten incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a ten inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a six incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. 'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have,' says the man.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'Yes, she has,' says the man.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor.

'We're getting new countertops"

Just want to thank all my friends and loved ones for the educational e-mails over the past year...


Because of your warning I live in a zip-lock plastic bag with clean oxygen piped in after passing through 18 filters which are replaced each hour.


Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the channels.


I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.




I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.




I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose.






Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.






I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.






I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.


Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.


I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program .

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.


I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.


I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.


Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.


Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.


I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.


I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper sinc e the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.


I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for or which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my ass.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a rapist waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician..

Have a wonderful day.

=O! hahahhaah

Anger Management


When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you Don't know!

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying 'Hello.'

I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f*** ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're a butthole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'butthole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're a butthole!' It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic butthole calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're a butthole!' and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first butthole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW butthole, too.

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said, 'Yes, it is.'
I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ..
It's a yellow ranch house, and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen..'

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said, 'Yes?'
I said, 'Don, you're a butthole!'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two buttholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea.
I called butthole #1.
He said, 'Hello.'
I said, 'You're a butthole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?'
I said, 'Yeah.'
He screamed, 'Stop calling me!'
I said, 'Make me.'
He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said, 'Butthole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow ranch house, I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, butthole,' and hung up.

Then I called butthole No. 2. I said, 'Hello, butthole '
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your butt,'
I answered, 'Well , butthole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that my gay lover was on his way over to kill me.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . I got there just in time to watch two buttholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management works.

:lol:...............

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?









































They are both squirmy, live in a slime, and only one in three million has a chance of becoming a human being. :)

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a couple of lawyers in a Porsche?
A: The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Q: What do you call 400 lawyers at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean?
A: A great place to start.

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.

Q: What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One is a bottom-dwelling, garbage-eating scavenger. The other is a fish.

Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.

Q: If u laid all the lawyers in the world end 2 end, how far would dey reach?
A: Into the pocket of the next one.

Q: How do you get an attorney out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: A leech will drop off when its victim dies.

Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.

Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side and then on the other

Bad day at the office? :lol:

Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it.

She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda......no."

"No?"

"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

Bad day at the office? :lol:

God, no.......or at least I hope not :unsure:

Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.

Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Sunny: "What's that?"

Tina: "A condom."

Sunny: "Where'd you get it?"

Tina: "You can get them at any drug store"

The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local Walgreens and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.

The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Why don't moderators like making Kool-Aid?

Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

Why did the chicken cross the road?










...To get to the other side.
hahahahahahahahahahahaha. time for bed.

http://i42.tinypic.com/34jdtfl.jpg:tongue:

This old Jewish man marries a young woman. After 6 months of marriage they go see the Rabbi due to marital problems. The woman complains that the man cannot give her an orgasm. The Rabbi thinks for a while and comes up with the following solution: "Hire a young, strapping man and have him get naked. Give him a towel. Have him wave the towel over the woman while you make love to her. She will be so turned on by his motions she will have the orgasm."

So they go home and try it and it doesn't work. The man gets an idea. He tells the young strapping man to make love to his wife while he waves the towel. Minutes later the woman is having an orgasm. The old man looks at the young guy and says, "See? Now THAT'S how to wave a towel, you putz!"

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
“You all have obsessions,” he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.”
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.”
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: “Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.”
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on,
Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and get dinner."

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?









































They are both squirmy, live in a slime, and only one in three million has a chance of becoming a human being. :)
Ha! Good one.

A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says,
> "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
>
> The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
> "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
>
> The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bit*h,
> you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

The Lawnmower

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.



Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

I guess everyone should have a good clear understanding of traffic signs and laws if you are going to be driving.







Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, 'This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!'



So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, 'Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?'



The trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. 'But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? 'These women seem awfully shaken.'









'Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer.



We just got off Route 127.'

Things to do on an Elevator
1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask “Got enough air in there?”
2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you’re embarrassed when they open themselves.
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: “You’re one of THEM” - and back away slowly
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
8) SAY “I wonder what all these do?” And push all the red buttons.
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: “I have new socks on.”
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: “Is that your beeper?”
12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: “This is my personal space.”
14) WHEN there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn’t you.
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17) HOLD the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say “Hi Greg, How’s your day been?”
18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: “That’s mine!”
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20) PRETEND you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21) SWAT at flies that don’t exist.
22) CALL out “Group hug” then enforce it.