The sad but funny part is..:yikes:...my husband would do everyone of those things.....:rofl:

A little girl walked to and from school daily.



Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to the elementary school.


As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with lightning.

The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school and she feared the electrical storm might harm her child.


Full of concern, the mother quickly
got into her car and drove
along the route to her child's school.


As she did, she saw her little girl walking along.

At each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up, and smile.



Another and another flash of lighting followed quickly and with each, the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile.



When the mother's car drew up beside the child, she lowered the window and called to her



'What are you doing?'


The child answered,
'I am trying to look pretty because God keeps taking my picture.':angel:

traffic cameras



A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his
picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding.

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he
drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again.

He tried a fourth time with the same result.

The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat a belt.

:rofl: :driver: :tongue:

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.
Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
B ubba, where'd you git that truck?!?"
Tammie give it to me" Bubba replied.
"She give it to ya?
I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened. We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres. Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,
'Bubba, take whatever you want.'
So I took the truck! "
"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"

How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. On all your cheque stubs, write 'For Marijuana'.
3. Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get.
4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
5. Sing along at the Opera.
6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'
7. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
8. Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Who Died the Worst Death?
Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.
First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.
I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."
St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.
Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.
Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."

Catholic parishioner goes into the confessional box. He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap & a selection of fine Irish whiskeys. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in.



"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."



The priest replies "Get out! You're on my side!"

After a relaxing bath Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, nude in a mirror. Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight, was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help. Lord.... If you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you,' she prayed..

And just like that... Her ears fell off.

dbee, thank you for not posting that joke first thing in the morning. I would have spouted coffee all over my desk!



That was hilarious

dbee, thank you for not posting that joke first thing in the morning. I would have spouted coffee all over my desk!



That was hilarious


I'm glad you liked it! :ear:

Thanks for posting "Things to do on an Elevator", I passed that on to all my email friends and they loved it. :clap:

What Not to Say to a Policeman
-- I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
-- Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize I was driving.
-- Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!
-- I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
-- You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
-- You look just like my girlfriend's deadbeat ex-husband.
-- The question is -- do YOU know why you pulled me over?
-- I was trying to keep up with traffic, and it's miles ahead of me.
-- If you have to ask if I've been drinking, I'm not going to tell you, dude.
-- It wasn't my fault -- when I reached down to roll this joint, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged under the brake pedal.
-- That's a sweet 9mm. You want to hold my .44 magnum?
-- If I'd known I was getting a full body cavity search, I would have waxed!

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. Anti-constitutionalistically 3. Passive-aggressive disorder 4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. No thanks, I'm married. 2. Nope, no more booze for me! 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry. 5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke. 7. I'm not interested in fighting you. 8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool! 9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road. 10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Man who run in
Front of car get tired.
*~*~*
Man who run behind
Car get exhausted.
*~*~*
Man with one
Chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*
Man who scratch butt
Should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*
Man who eat many
Prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*
Baseball is wrong:
Man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*
War does not
Determine who is right, war determine who is
Left.
*~*~*
Wife who put
Husband in doghouse soon find him in
Cathouse.
*~*~*
Man who fight with
Wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*
It take many nails
To build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*
Man who drive like
Hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*
Man who live in
Glass house should change clothes in
Basement.
*~*~*
Man who fish in
Other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*
Crowded elevator
Smell different to midget.

Man with itchy butt
Have smelly fingers.

OK, What is the speed of dark?

OK, What is the speed of dark?

299,792,458 meters/second, in the other direction.

A woman
> >
> > visited a plastic surgeon who told her about
> > a new
> > procedure called 'The
> >
> > Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of
> > the woman's head and could
> >
> > be turned to tighten up her skin and produce
> > the effect of a new
> >
> > face-lift..
> > Of
> > course,
> > the woman wanted 'The
> > Knob.'
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Over the
> >
> > course of the years, the woman tightened the
> > knob, and the
> > effects were wonderful, the
> >
> > woman
> > remainedyoung looking and
> > vibrant.
> >
> > After fifteen
> >
> > years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two
> >
> > problems.
> > 'All these
> >
> > years, everything has
> >
> > been working just fine. I've had to turn the
> > knob many times and
> > I've always loved
> >
> > the results. But now I've developed two
> > annoying
> > problems:
> > First,
> > I
> > have these terrible bags
> >
> > under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of
> > them.'
> >
> > The doctor
> >
> > looked at her closely and said, 'Those
> > aren't bags, those are your
> > breasts.'
> >
> > She said,
> >
> > 'Well, I guess there's no point
> > in asking about the
> > goatee.'

That last one should be on the bagels and cream cheese thread.

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:









1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.


3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.



4. A dog's parents never visit.




5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.


6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.


7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.


8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.


9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.


12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.


13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:


14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
:dog:

"take me to the children's hospital".

"take me to the children's hospital".

:rofl: ... ...

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the local coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for about 5 minutes. When I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him,'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'PIG.'

He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires.

So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating NAZI.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a 'moron in blue'. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said,'Obama '08.'

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. The doctor tells me that it's important for my health.

THIS IS PRICELESS... ..

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach...

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,
'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

:rofl:

Where do you find these?

[B]
Logic

Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.'

Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.

The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Larry says. 'What's that?'

The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'

'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'

'Yes, I have a family.

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Doug says, 'What's that?'

Larry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No.'

'Then you're a queer.

:star:

A blonde walks into a gas station and says to the manager, "I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?"
The manager gives the blonde a bent coat hanger.
A few minutes later, he goes out to check on her. As her approaches the blonde working the hanger in window, he notices another blonde inside the car, coaching "No, no! A little to the left."

A blonde walks into a gas station and says to the manager, "I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?"
The manager gives the blonde a bent coat hanger.
A few minutes later, he goes out to check on her. As her approaches the blonde working the hanger in window, he notices another blonde inside the car, coaching "No, no! A little to the left."

That's not the way I hear'd it young fella. The way I hear'd it both blonds were outside the car and the one with the coat hanger was not having much luck getting the coat hanger to unlock the door. The other blond said to her, "you better hurry up, it looks like rain and we left the top down".

hahah Sorry Dan but I like Jerry's version better =P

http://www.nonags.com/funimg/kidbooks.jpg

There's an old sea story in the Navy about a ship's Captain who
inspected His sailors, and afterward told the Chief Bosun that his men
smelled Bad.

The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would
change underwear occasionally. The Chief responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll
see to it immediately!"

The Chief went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced,
"The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your
underwear.

Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with
Kwiatkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now get to it!!!"

THE MORAL:

Someone may be promising "Change" in Washington; but don't count
on things smelling any better!

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".



:motz:

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- --------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until
they can walk down the street with a bald head
And a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
---------------------------------------------------

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers



Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash

Herman's Hermits --- Mrs Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?

Roberta Flack --- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon --- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts

Procol Harem --- A Whiter Shade of Hair

Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone

Abba --- Denture Queen

Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore --- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To

Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again

One of my friends emailed me this. I haven't heard it before. LOL


A man finds a blond woman hanging with a rope tied around her waist.He asks "what r u doing?"She says "I'm trying to commit suicide" He asks "shouldn't it be around your neck?" The blond replies, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe"


:lol::teeth:

A blond goes into a shoe store to get some alligator shoes, and is appauled at the price. She tells the storekeeper that the price is too high and she is going to get her own, And the storekeeper wishes her good luck. On his way home that afternoon he sees that blond up to her waist in the swamp with a gun. He pulls over just in time to hear shots ring out and see a dead gator floating by her, with much effort she drags the gator to shore and placing it by several others she flips it on its back and proclaims " Damn it, this ones not wearing shoes either!!!" :)

:lol::lol::lol:hehehehehehe too funny!!

A blond goes into a shoe store to get some alligator shoes, and is appauled at the price. She tells the storekeeper that the price is too high and she is going to get her own, And the storekeeper wishes her good luck. On his way home that afternoon he sees that blond up to her waist in the swamp with a gun. He pulls over just in time to hear shots ring out and see a dead gator floating by her, with much effort she drags the gator to shore and placing it by several others she flips it on its back and proclaims " Damn it, this ones not wearing shoes either!!!" :)



LOL :lol: :teeth::clap:

http://www.spoofee.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18683&highlight=jokes

-Link (http://kanyelicio.us/www.spoofee.com) :silly:

2 Blondes walk into a building.

You would have thought 1 of them would have seen it.

~:: What is Gods Name? ::~

A blonde got into heaven, and when she arrived at the Golden Gates,
she was asked one question: "What is God's name?" She replied, "Andy."

"Andy? Why Andy?", she was asked.

She replied, "Oh, you know,
'Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own.'

~:: The Right Sign ::~

An Amishman lived on a quiet, rural highway. But, as time went by,
the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. It became so heavy
and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three
to six a day. So he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got
to do something about all of these tourists driving so fast and
killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about these drivers."

So the next day the sheriff had the county go out and put up a sign
that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING. Three days later, the Amishman again
called the sheriff and said, "That sign didn't help a bit. They are
still hitting my chickens."

So the next day, the county put up a sign that said:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

Again, no change. So the Amishman called and called, every day
for three weeks. Finally, he told the sheriff, "Look, your signs
are just not working. Mind if I put up one of my own?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, let's see if yours works better."

He was willing to agree to anything to get him to stop those daily
calls. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the Amishman. After
three weeks, he decided to call the Amishman and see how things were
going.

"Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since. I've got
to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone.

The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go have a look at that
sign. There might be something there that WE could use to slow
down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to the Amishman's house, and he saw
the sign. It was on a whole sheet of plywood. Written in large,
yellow letters were the words: SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.

:) :) :) good one :) :) :)

The girl knelt in the confessional and said"Bless me Father for I have sinned"
What is it my child?
Father,I have committed the sin of vanity.Twice a day I gaze into the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl and said,"My dear,I have good news.That isn't a sin... it's simply a mistake."

Redneck Medical Terms

Benign - What you be, after you be eight.
Artery - The study of paintings
Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria
Barium - what doctors do when patients die
Cesarean section - a neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan - searching for kitty
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Colic - a sheep dog
coma- a punctuation mark
D & C - Where Washington is
Dilate - to live long
Enema - Not a friend
Fester - quicker than someone else
Fibula - a small lie
Genital - a non-Jewish person
GI series - world series of military baseball
Hangnail - what you hang your coat on
Impotent - distinguished, well-known
Labor pain - getting hurt at work
medical staff - a doctor's cane
Morbid - a higher offer
Nitrates - cheaper than day rates
Node - I knew it
Outpatient - a person who has fainted
Pap Smear - A fatherhood test
Pelvis - second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative - a letter carrier
Recovery room - place to do upholstery
Rectum - darn near killed him
Secretion - hiding something
Seizure - a Roman emperor
Tablet - a small table
Terminal Illness - getting sick at the airport
Tumor - one plus one more
Urine - opposite of you're out
Varicose - nearby / close by


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How To Speak Southern
Hah Tu Spek Suthun)


BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of
Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I
aint herd from him in munts."

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup
truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my
pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in
my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and
git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't
git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do
hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.

HOD - adverb. Not easy.
Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are
tarred."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."

LOT - adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from
some farn country."

DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in
LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"

BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy
Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

SEED - verb, past tense.

VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"

People might think you are a Redneck if...


Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house

The ASPCA raids your kitchen.

You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.

Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.

You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.

Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.

Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.

Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.

You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.

Your best ashtray is a turtle shell. 252.Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.

You think cur is a breed of dog.

People hear your car long before they see it.

Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.

You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."
You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.

You bring your dog to work with you.

Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.

You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.

You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.

Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.

Your masseuse uses lard.

Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.

You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Arkansas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word a come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said...

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan,
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination-Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited...

Me and Tim a huntin' went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won, hands down!

creddybears,those are simply awesome!!!! :)

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing she" asked?
"Hunting flies" He replies.
Oh, are you killing any?
Yep 3 males and 2 females, he replies.
Intrigued,she asks "How can you tell what sex they are?"
Easy he said. "3 were on a beer can,2 were on the phone"

I got that last one in a e-mail a while back. Supper funny!!!

Bobbitt Family Update



In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her
husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.

Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage.

The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with.................





?









?













?













?






A Misdewiener!

Joe “The Mailman” started his new route.

His first house has a ‘special delivery’ letter (needs a signature), so rings the bell …

An ugly old hag answers the door in her flannel nightgown and remarks “Why you look like Nat King Cole. Would you like to come in for a drink?” (wink-wink). “No, thank you” Joe replies, gets her signature and off he goes.

The next house has a ‘certified letter’ (needs a signature), so he rings the bell…

A middle age woman answers the door in her terry cloth robe and remarks “Why you look like Nat King Cole. Would you like to come in for a drink?” (wink-wink). “No, thank you” Joe replies, gets her signature and off he goes.

The next house has a ‘restrictive delivery’ (needs a signature), so he rings the bell…

An extremely attractive 25 year old model (falling out of her very revealing Teddy) answers the door and remarks “Why you look like Nat King Cole. Would you like to come in for a drink?” (wink-wink).

Without missing a beat, Joe replies “Ramblin' rose, ramblin' rose…”

Top Ten Things That Men Understand About Women
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.




LOL...

Why computers should be considered masculine:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

Why computers should be feminine:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Bill Gates died and went to Heaven.

Saint Peter showed him to his house, a small cottage on a tiny plot in the woods. The closets were full of simple but serviceable clothing, and the kitchen was stocked with the basic needs. Bill slowly settled into a modest and quiet life in heaven.

One day, Bill was walking in one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"

"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful lake. I have a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, tennis courts and three Rolls Royces."

"Were you the Pope, or a doctor who healed the sick?" asked Gates.

"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."

Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.

Cornering St. Peter, Bill told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better?"

"Yes, we even use Windows here in heaven," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women-she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.


Dear Anna:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts
when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "'Code 3' in Housewares. Get on it right away." This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers
he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department, to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed,
'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he
picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission
Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK
ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled
very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'


One of the clerks passed out.

:woot: good ones :rofl:

A pirate walked into a bar,and the bartender said,"Hey I haven't seen you in awhile.What happened?You look terrible."

"What do you mean?"The pirate said,I feel fine.

"What about the the wooden Leg?" You didn't have that before.

Well said the pirate,"We were in a battle and I got hit by a cannon ball",but I'm fine now.

The bartender replied."well OK,but what about the hook?"What happened to your hand?

The pirate explained,"We were in another battle,Iboarded a ship and got into a sword fight.My hand was cut off,and I got fitted with this hook,but I'm fine really."

What about the eye patch?

Oh said the pirate,"One day we were at sea,and a flock of birds flew over,I looked up,and one of them crapped in my eye."


Your kidding,said the bartender."You can't lose an eye from bird crap."

The pirate said,"It was my first day with the hook."

:captain: :faint:

Yo mama so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends

Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!

Yo mama so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!

Yo mama so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!

Yo mama so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!

Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!

Yo mama so stupid she took a cup to see Juice.

Yo mama so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.

Yo mama so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911"

Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

Yo mama so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K."

Yo mama so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.

Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.

Yo mama so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl.

Yo mama so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.

Yo mama so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.

Yo mama so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.

Yo mama so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.

Yo mama so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!

Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl

Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!

Yo mama so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!

Yo mama so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!

Yo mama so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

Yo mama so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home.

Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.

Short Hillbilly Jokes

Q: What's the difference between a hillbilly wedding and a hillbilly funeral?
A: There's one less drunk at the funeral.
Q: How do you get a hillbilly out of a bathtub?
A: Throw in a bar of soap.

Q: How do you tell the bride at a hillbilly wedding?
A: She's wearing the cleanest shirt.

Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring through the southern United States and stops to entertain at a small bar in Texas. He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says, "I've heard just about enough of your smart ass hillbilly jokes. We ain't all stupid here in the South."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the smart ass little fella on your knee."

The other day my neighbor,who is blonde,came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy.I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly,but I thought what the heck,and I joined in on the rejoicing.

She said,"I have really great news!!"

I said great,tell me why your so happy.

She stopped jumping around and after she caught her breath she exclaimed "I'm pregnant!"

Knowing they had been trying for awhile,I told her how happy I was for them.

Then she says "Theres more."

I asked,"What do you mean theres more?

She said"Well were not having just one baby,were gonna have twins!!"

Amazed,I asked how she knew so quick?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
She said, thats the easy part.I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit....in a TWIN-PACK, and both tests came out positive!!!!!

:rofl: :baby::baby:

You might be a redneck if your jack-o-lantern on the front porch has more teeth than you do. :pumpkin:

A guy gets pulled over by a cop.

The cop says to the guy,"Your eyes are pretty bloodshot,have you been drinking?"

The guy says no,but asks the cop,"Your eyes are pretty glazed,have you been eating donuts?"

How do you treat homosexualism?.........
















































with homeopathic medications :rofl:

Thank You GR8, That's just the kind of info I need in Key West.

A guy gets pulled over by a cop.

The cop says to the guy,"Your eyes are pretty bloodshot,have you been drinking?"

The guy says no,but asks the cop,"Your eyes are pretty glazed,have you been eating donuts?"


LOLOLOL I like that one!! :lol:

Two police paramedics jump it the surf to rescue a couple whose boat has foundered in rough seas. After an exhausting swim to the boat, the medics fit the woman into a life vest. All during the rescue she keeps yelling that her husband is a lawyer and he is going to sue the pants off the company that rented them the boat. The cops instruct the husband to stay in the boat while they swim to shore with his wife. As the cops turn around to swim back out to rescue the man they see him coming toward the shore, standing upright, riding on the backs of two huge sharks! As he hops off the shark's onto the beach, the husband shrugs his shoulders in response to the astonished looks on the cop's faces. He gestured back to the sharks and said, "Professional Courtesy".

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer." the man began, "I can explain". "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..." "But officer, I just wanted to say...." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

An attorney was on his deathbed in the hospital. When a friend came to visit, he found the lawyer frantically leafing through the Bible. "What are you doing?" the visitor asked. The sick lawyer replied, "Looking for loopholes."

Hard Of Hearing


The elderly husband and wife, both a little hard of hearing, were watching golf on TV.

The husband turned to his wife of some 50 years and said, "In my next life, I'm going to be rich and play all those beautiful golf courses with their great bars and dining and dancing areas."

The wife quickly responded, "How will you be able to manage all that with your bad legs? You can barely walk!"

"I said, '..in my next life...,'" the husband replied.

"Oh," she said. I thought you said, '..with my next wife...'"

Dreadful Sermon


The minister was shaking everyone's hand while we were leaving the church. I shook his hand and said, "Reverend, that was the worst sermon I've ever listened to. It was terrible."

As the minister stood there dumbfounded, My wife stepped in, trying to help. "Please don't pay any attention to him, pastor. He only repeats what he hears others say."

:clap2:very good:rofl:

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the girls grandmother. On their way back through the cemetery to the car the little girl asks"Mommy,do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

Of course not dear,replied the mother,"Why do you ask that?"

Well mommy she says the tombstone back there said,

"Here lies a lawyer and a honest man."

A hunter kills a deer, and brings it home.He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper.

Knowing his children are fussy eaters and won't touch it if they know its deer,he does not tell them.His son asks "whats for supper." Dad says you'll see.

They start eating supper and his daughter asks him what they're eating.

Dad says,OK heres a hint"Sometimes your mommy calls me this."

The girl screams OMG "Were eating asshole!!"

:rofl: .

A wealthy man sat in his lawyers office. Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?

Give me the bad news first.

Your wife has found a picture worth a half-million dollars.

The bad news? The man asked incredulously,"I can't wait to hear the terrible news."






"The picture is of you and your mistress!"

Why did the one-handed man cross the road?



To get to the second hand shop.

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.

The officer asks her a few questions

Officer: Whats 2+2 ?

Blonde: Ummmm... 4

Officer: Whats the square root or 100 ?

Blonde: Ummmm... 10

Officer: Good! Now who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummmm... I don't know..

Officer: You go home and think about it,and come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends,who asks her if she got the job?

The blonde says, excitedly,"Not only did I get the job,I'm already working on a murder case!"

A man walks into a drug store with his 8 year old son.They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks 'What are these dad?"

The man matter-of-factly replies"These are called condoms son. Men use these to have safe sex,"

Oh I see, replied the boy pensively,"Yes I heard of that in health class at school."

He looks at the display and picks up a pack of 3 and asks,why are there 3 in this pack?

Dad says,"Those are for high school boys,1 for Friday night.1 for Saturday night and 1 for Sunday night."

Cool, says the boy, then he notices a 6 pack and asks who are these for?

Those are for college men, says dad,2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night and 2 for Sunday night.

Wow,exclaimed the boy. Then who are these for, holding up a 12 pack, he inquires?

Dad sighs, and says these are for married men, 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March......

:clap:........................

A teacher asks her class,"Anyone who thinks they're stupid please stand up."

Only little Johnny rises ti his feet.

Now then Johnny,"Why do you consider yourself to be stupid?" Enquired the teacher with a sneer.

Well,actually I don't, said little Johnny."But I hated to see you standing there all by yourself."

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says,"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't really bother me much. My farts never smell and are always silent." As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office, and without smell and sound you never knew.

The doctor says,"I see,take these pills and come back to see me in a week."

The next week the lady comes back. Doctor she says,"I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, they stink terribly!"

The doctor says, "Good, now that we've cleared up your sinuses,lets work on your hearing."

Comebacks to Pickup Lines
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?v Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing

Men Are Like...
... Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

... Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

... Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

... Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.

... Computers.
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

... Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

... Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

... Curling Irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

... Government Bonds.
They take way too long to mature.

... Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

... Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

... Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

... Parking Spots.
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.

... Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

... Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Geek Pickup Lines
Your Ad Here11. My startup just got funded.

10. You </me>

9. I know of a good open wifi connection around here, want the SSID?

8. Wanna play with my Wii?

7. You're so beautiful you make my heart stop, wait here while I make a
saving throw.

6. Have you ever been deep-linked?

5. I know what you're thinking and the answer is 'Yes, that is a 64-bit
driver.'

4. Would you let me poke you in the Facebook?

3. Hi, what's your gamertag?

2. MySpace or yours?

1. I could see you reading my T-shirt from the other side of the LAN party.

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.



What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of emotion.



How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.




What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!




What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

Q. Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?
A. She wants to be the first lady.



Q. What's Bill Clinton's idea of safe sex?
A. When Hillary is out of town.

Q. Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky turned Republican?
A. The democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

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Q. Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A. Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and night crawlers.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What's the definition of a lawyer?
A. A mouth with a life support system.



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Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new car.



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Q. Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?
A. No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.



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Q. What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A. The caterer.


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Q. How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A. Other lawyers look interested.


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Q. What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.


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Q. What's the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon?
A. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.


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Q. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A. His lips are moving.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A. You can negotiate with a terrorist.



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Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one hits first?
A. Who cares?



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
A. You always hear about them, but you never see them.




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A. Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer points.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
A. Jewelry.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What is a blonde who colored her hair brown?
A. Artifical Intelligence


.................................................. .................................................. ................



Q. Hear about the blonde who got an AM radio?
A. It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.


.................................................. .................................................. .................


Q. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A. Pregnant


.................................................. .................................................. ...............

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says,"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't really bother me much. My farts never smell and are always silent." As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office, and without smell and sound you never knew.

The doctor says,"I see,take these pills and come back to see me in a week."

The next week the lady comes back. Doctor she says,"I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, they stink terribly!"

The doctor says, "Good, now that we've cleared up your sinuses,lets work on your hearing."

:rofl: :rofl: :pound:

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cosy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' ..and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:
'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants '

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have a beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.'

A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down and the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, then he decided to open her up a bit,the needle jumped to 80 mph, then he see's flashing red and blue lights behind him. Thinking "There ain't no way they can catch a Corvette", he decides to punch it. He hit 90, 100, 130, and finally 150 mph, and they were still hot on his tail. Thinking what the hell am I doing, he finally pulls over.

The officer came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it, and the car.He says,"I've had a tough shift, and this is my last stop of the night. I really don't want anymore paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving I haven't heard before, maybe I'll let you go."

The driver says,"Last week my wife ran off with a police officer, and I thought it was you, and you were going to try to give her back to me."

The officer said to the man,"Have a Good Night."

"

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish, and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish too. But she leaned over too far, fell in, and drowned. Stunned for awhile, but then he smiled and said,"I'll be darned, it really worked."

REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO GET DRUNK AT WORK

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps out on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satifaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

10. Eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have a couple of drinks in them.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

A guy came into a bar and said to the bartender,"Give me 6 double vodkas!"

The bartender says,"Wow, you must of had one hell of a day."

The guy says, "Yeah, I just found out my older brother is gay." So he drinks them down and leaves.

The next day the same guy comes back to the bar and asks for another round of 6 double vodkas.

The bartender asked him what was wrong now?

The guy says, "I just found out my younger is also gay." He pounds them down and leaves.

The 3rd day comes and sure enough, the guy shows back up looking for another 6 double vodkas.

The bartender says,"Geez, doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The guy says,"Yeah my wife...........

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. `What do you think you`re doing?` asks the wife. `They`re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,` he replies. `Put them back, we can`t afford them,` demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. `What do you think you`re doing?` asks the husband. `Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,` replies the wife. Her husband retorts: `So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it`s half the price.` On the PA system: `Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.`

Good One :rofl: :)

Two little boys are in a hospital,lying on stretchers next to each other outside an operating room.

The 1st kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The 2nd kid says,"I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little nervous."

The 1st kid says you got nothing to worry about.I had that done when I was 4. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-o and ice cream. It's a breeze.

The 2nd kid then asks,"What are you in here for?"

A circumcision, the 1st kid says.

Whoa, the 2nd kid says,Good Luck buddy,"I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for a year afterwards!"

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain . God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"





THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home,he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.

When he finally appeared home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife
and was barraged for nearly 2 hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and said to him,"How would you like it if you didn't see me for 2 or
3 days?"

He replied"That would be fine with him."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.But on Thursday , the swelling went down just enough where he
could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

:rofl: I liked that one Birdhunter!!!

A guy is going fishing on a charter boat on the ocean,and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting seasick.The doctor tells him,"Just eat 2 pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock."

The guy asks,"Will that keep me from getting seasick?"

The doctor says,"No, but it will look real pretty in the water!"

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police."What are all these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?"asks the officer.

I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act.

"Oh yeah"says the doubtful officer,lets see you do it. The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows to watch."Wow"said the driver to his wife."I"m glad I quit drinking.Look at the test they're giving now!"

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'

Another good one for the Apple.:rofl:


:skull: :bat: :pumpkin:

:wink: cute one Apple :rofl:

Bob was in big trouble, he had forgotten his wedding anniversary, and his wife was really pissed.

She told him,"Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from
0 to 200 in 6 seconds! AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!

The next morning he got up early and left for work.When his wife woke up, she looked
out the window and sure enough, there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the
driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway,and brought the box back
into the house.

She opened the box to find a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his peni$ over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

:rofl:.....howcome with you, dbee, it's always about penises? :pound:

:rofl:.....howcome with you, dbee, it's always about penises? :pound:


:noidea: I guess it's just the emails that people send me :loco:

:bawling:I'm so ashamed :blushing:

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm, then she remembered what her dad had once told her."If you ever get stuck in a snow storm,wait for a snow plow and follow
it.

Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the snow
plow for about 45 minutes.

Finally, the driver of the truckgot out and asked her what she was doing? She explained
that har dad had told her if she got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said,"Well, I'm all done here at Wal-Mart, if you like you can follow me down to K-Mart.

Hung Chow calls in sick to work and says,"Hey boss I not come to work today,I really
sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come to work.

The boss says,"You know Hung Chow, I really need you here today. When I feel like
that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex, make everything better, and then I
go to work. You try.

2 hours later Hung Chow calls again,"Boss I do what you say and I feel great, I be at
work soon.Allso you have nice house!

A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 shots.

So the bartender pours the guy 12 shots, and the guy starts pounding them one
after the other.The bartender says, boy you sure are drinking those really fast.

Well,says the guy,you be drinking them fast if you had what I have.

The bartender asks,"What do you got?"

The guy says,"75 cents"

:rofl: :pound:

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right
foot as they walk. As they met, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to
his foot and says,"Vietnam, 1969."

The other guy points his thumb behind him and says,"Dog crap, 20 feet back!"

A highway patrolman pulled along side a speeding car, glancing at the car he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting.

The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver,"PULL-OVER!"

NO the blonde yelled back,"SCARF"

A highway patrolman pulled along side a speeding car, glancing at the car he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting.

The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver,"PULL-OVER!"

NO the blonde yelled back,"SCARF"
:rofl: :lol:

click on the Pretty Funny below :prey:



:teeth: Pretty Funny (http://media.mtvnservices.com/video/player.swf?uri=mgid:cms:mvideo:cmt.com:40319&group =music&type=error&ref=None&geo=US)



.
.
.

A loud pounding on the door at 3AM in the morning wakes up a man and his wife. The
man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger is standing in the pouring
rain asking for a push.

Not a chance, says the man, its 3 in the morning,and he slams the door in his face and returns to bed.

Who was that? Asks his wife.

Just some drunk looking for a push, he answers.

Did you help him, she asks.

No, I didn't he replies,its 3 in the morning and its raining!

She reminds him about the time 2 men helped them push their car and orders him to go
help him.

The husband get dressed, goes downstairs and out into the pouring rain.

Are you there, he shouts out into the darkness and rain.Do you still need that push.

Yes, the man answers back.

Where are you, shouts the husband.

I'm over here on the swing, replies the drunk.

Hi, dbee. Will you please email me that video below. That was funny. :lol:
And Bird, I liked your joke too! :silly:

Hi, dbee. Will you please email me that video below. That was funny. :lol:
And Bird, I liked your joke too! :silly:


:wink: Are you saying that because I already emailed it to you? :teeth:

There were 3 couples, one elderly, one middle aged and one newlywed, they wanted to join a church.So the minister tells them that in order to be members, they must abstain from sex for 2 weeks. The minister asked the elderly couple if they had abstained.

Yes, no problem they replied.

So the minister welcomes them into the church. Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question.

Well, after 1 week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it.So the minister welcomes them into the church. Then the minister asks the newlyweds if they abstained from sex for 2 weeks.

We were unable to abstain. On the 3rd day my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, lust and passion overcame me.

I'm sorry, the minister says, but you are both banned from this church.

Thats okay, says the husband,"We were banned from Wal-Mart too."

A man is dating 3 women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a gift of $10,000, and waits to see what they do with the money.

The 1st does a complete makeover. She goes to a fancy salon, gets her hair done, new
makeup and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nice for the man. She tells him that she does this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The 2nd goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him she spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again the man is impressed.

The 3rd invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the money, she gives back his $10,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She says she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man is impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, then he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men Are Men

Miss Beatrice,


The church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned With tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.



'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through The Park a few months ago

And I found this little package On the ground. The directions said To place it on the organ, Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.


One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.


Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.


On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...




(Please scroll down.)















































Highlight to read :

What were you
thinking?

Her husband speaks English!





I worry about you
sometimes!
************************************************** ********************

Good ones d:willy: :rofl: :pound:


:skull: :bat: :pumpkin:

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two people, A Yale graduate and a Redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed 2 minutes to study the
word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given
was "Timbuktu"

The first to recite his poem was the Yale graduate, he stepped up to the microphone
and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu

The crowd goes crazy, no way the redneck could top that, or so they thought. The
redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' we went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They was three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu

The Redneck won hands down.

:clap:.........................:teeth:

The boss calls 4 of his employees into the office and says,"I'm really sorry but I'm going to have to let one of you go."

The black employee says: "I'm a protected minority!"

The female employee says: "I'm a woman!"

The oldest employee says: "Fire me buster, and I'll hit you with an age descrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin!"

To which they all look at the helpless young, white male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay!"

Q. What do a tornado, and a redneck divorce have in common?


A. Someone is gonna lose a trailer.

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends very late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. `What`s with the big brass gong?` one of the friends asked. `It`s not a gong. It`s a talking clock,` the drunk slurred in response. `A talking clock? Seriously?` asked his astonished friend. `How`s it work?` `Watch,` the drunk replied. He stumbled across the room, picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood in silence, looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, `You idiot..it`s three-fifteen in the morning!!`

:rofl: :pound:

A professor of matematics sent a fax to his wife, It read:

Dear Wife,

You must realize that you are 54 yrs. old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satify. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn by time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 yr. old teaching assistant. I will be home before midnight.

Your Husband

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband:

You too are also 54 yrs. old, and by the time you receive this, I'll be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 yr. old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 alot more than 54 goes into 18!
Don't wait up.

Your Wife

Right back at ya with the :rofl: !!!

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab,and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring?

He replies: I have a question for you, I don't want to offend you.

She answers,"My son, you can't offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun for as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.

Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.

She responds,"Well, lets see what we can do about that. But 1st you have to be single and Catholic.

The cabbie excitedly says, I'm single and I'm Catholic.

OK, the nun says,"Pull into that alley, and lets see what we can do."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they got back on the road, the cabbie starts crying.

My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?

Forgive me, but I have sinned, I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.

The nun says,"Thats OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party!"

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, 'What the heck is going on here?'

The drunk, still staring down replied: 'I think I just beat the sh** out of a ghost.'

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!:pumpkin:

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of beers, when Bubba looked up and said,"Lookey up ahead Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!!" We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers.

Don't worry, Bubba, Earl said"We'll just pull over and finish these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

After that then what, asked Bubba?

Just let me do the talkin'. Earl agrees.

Well, they finished their beers, peeled off the labels and put them on their foreheads, and stashed the bottles under the seats. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff asks,"You boys been drinkin'?"

No sir, said Earl,"We're on the patch."

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmecifully. From morning till night(and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule, so he tried to plow alot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately
his wife began arguing with him again. Complain, nag, nag,it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, and caught his wife smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute,then nod
his head in agreement; but when a male mourner approached hin, he would listen for a
minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistant, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded
his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all
the men.

The old farmer said: Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head and agree with them.

And what about the men? The minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale"

BREAKING NEWS...



Washington DC (UPI/Reuters)

October 22, 2009


A tragic fire on Saturday destroyed the personal library of President Barack Obama.




Both of his books were lost. A presidential spokesman said the President
was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.

The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist


Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."


The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to
"Hysterias and Posteriors." This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go.


Next, they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again.


Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Still no good.


Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again.


So they tried "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." No way.


"Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope.


"Nuts and Butts?" Uh uh.


"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.


"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.


Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:


"Dr Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends." - Everyone loved it.

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits Mexico.


Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with asking for help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.



God Bless America!

CHINESE SICK LEAVE: 'I NO COME WOK TODAY!!!'

Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come wok.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better, and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at wok soon..... You got nice house.'

:rofl: :clap: :pound:

A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen, she dresses quickly and goes to find him.The son sees his mom and asks"What were you and dad doing?"

The mother replies,"Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it out."

"You're wasting your time", said the boy.

"Why is that?" asked the mother.

"Well, when you go shopping,the lady next door comes over and they go upstairs and then she gets on her knees and blows it right back up!"

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on
their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning
jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's
stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian
bread every day. It keeps
your energy level high and you'll have great
stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the
bakery. As he was looking
Around , the lady asked if he
needed any help.
He said "Do you have any
Italian bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it.
Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5
loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... by the
time you get to the 5th
loaf, it'll be
hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody
knows about this $hit but
me."

What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?

For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment.


Sorry! :tongue:

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for DUI voilations. At closing time he saw a fellow syumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on 5 different cars before finding his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally, he got his car started and began to drive away.


The police officer was waiting for him, he pulled him over, read him his rights, and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how this could be? The driver replied,"Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy!"

:rofl: I could have used that guy a few years ago :clap:

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch, watching the sunrise. He sees the neighbors kid carrying something big under his arm.He says,"Hey boy, whatcha got there?

The boy says,"A roll of chicken wire."

Old man asks, whatcha gonna do with that?

The boy says,"I'm gonna catch me some chickens."

You darn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire.The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens in it.

The next morning, the old man is watching the sunrise and sees the boy carrying something in his hand. He says "Hey boy whatcha got there?"

The boy says,"A roll of duct tape."

Whatcha you gonna do with that? Asked the old man.

"I'm gonna catch me some ducks."

You darn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape.The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset, the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled duct tape with about 35 ducks stuck to it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy carrying what looked like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. He says,"Hey boy, whatcha got there?

The boy says,"It's a pussywillow."

The old man says,"Wait up....I'm gonna get my hat."

An old guy wobbles into an icecream shop.

He has a real hard time walking, he is all hunched over.

He goes up to the counter and says, one banana split please.

The lady at the counter asks him, crushed nuts?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
The old man says no, "Arthritis"

Which one do you think is the blonde?



http://i36.tinypic.com/mjpxr6.jpg





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Amazing!!!!







I didn't see it ......



http://i36.tinypic.com/9glclx.jpg




The Blonde is the one with the wrong leg up.

There is NOTHING wrong with the leg she has up, IMHO

Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking
beer.

Larry turns to Doug and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life
without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College
and sign up for some classes."

Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.

The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions,
who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and
Logic.

"Logic?" Larry says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah."

" Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you
would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically
that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
family."

"Yes, I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have
a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a
heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of
that because I have a weed eater."


Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to
go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed
up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Doug says, "What's that?"
Larry says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer."

Well.. I've just gone through all these jokes. They are funny and entertaining. Love to spend time here..

Good one d:willy: :pound:

A drunk walks out of a bar, and sees a nun standing at a bus stop. In his stuper, he walks up to her and punches her in the face. When she falls to the ground he begins to kick her and screams out,


"Your not so tough tonight are you Batman!"

What were Michael Jacksons final words?
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Take me to Childrens Hospital

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more!!!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.


The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.



If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.



The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:



"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

Then they kick him in the ice hole.



You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat, the bouncer is a blonde girl, I`m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter, and the lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, ‘"No, not if I`m gonna have to explain it five times."

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. No woman, said the man, scornfully, can keep a secret.

I don't know about that,answered the blonde woman guest. I kept my age a secret since I was 21 years old.

You'll let it out some day, the man insisted.

I hardly think so responded the blonde lady. When a woman has kept a secret for 27 years, she can keep it forever.

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.


And last, but not least:


14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

:clap: :hurray: :hahaha: :clap2: :top:

Q: How come Mexico never has a good Olympic Team?





A: Because all of the mexicans who can run, jump, or swim are already in the
United States.

I went into a gas station and asked for $5 worth of gas.


The clerk farted and handed me a receipt.

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the
counter, and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and
slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make
sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still
looked confused. So she looked all around the store
to see if it was empty. It was empty.

'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room,
unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked
her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She
asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do
was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt,
removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well,
come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that
unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and
KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you
put that condom on?' she asked.
I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh,right below her bikini line, and she also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it looks real good.


The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.


As the woman gets dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, if you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?


She said,"I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that theres nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

:rofl: :pound: dbee

What do vampires fear the most?
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tooth decay

What flavor of pie do ghosts love?
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BOO-BERRY

This truck driver hauling a tractor trailer load of computers stops for a cold one.As he approaches the door, he sees a sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed Enter At Your Own Risk." He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him and says,"You smell kinda nerdy. What do you do for a living?"

He says,"I drive a truck, and the smell is from the computers I'm hauling."

Okay, truck drivers are not nerds, he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protecter with 12 types of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun, and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.

Why did you do that? Asked the truck driver.

Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now."You dont even need a licence." The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident and the load shifts. The backdoor breaks open and computers spill all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming and grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers,accountantsand programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He cant let them steal the whole load,so, he remembers what happened at the bar and pulls out his gun and starts blasting away,killing several of them on the spot.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

Whats wrong, I thought nerds were in season, asks the truch driver.

Well, yes they are says the patrolman, "But you cant bait them."

A very timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx, he then cleared his throat and asks, Um err, which one of you gentlemen owns the doberman tied up outside to the parking meter?

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hairs growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said,It's my dog, why?

Well, squeaked the little man, obviously nervous,"I believe my dog just killed your dog."

WHAT? roared the big man in disbelief. What kind of dog do you have?

Sir,answered the little man,"It's a 4 week old pup."

Bulls*@t,roared the biker,"HOW couldyour puppy kill my Doberman?



Well, sir,"It appears that he choked on it."

2 men are in court on drug charges, the judge says over the weekend, if you can persuade enough people to give up drugs, I'll let you 2 off.

Back in court Monday, the judge asks for their results.

I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs.

Thats great, said the judge,what did you tell them?

Well, I drew 2 circles, 1 big one, 1 small one, and I told them the big circle was their brain before drugs, the little was their brain after drugs.

The other defendant said thats nothing, I got 100 people to give up drugs.

100, how, asks the judge?

Well, I drew the same 2 circles, I pointed to the small circle and said,"This is your butthole before prison....."

Well.. I've just gone through all these jokes. They are funny and entertaining. Love to spend time here..

All 1400 of them??????? :eek:

What did one saggy boob say to the other?
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If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.