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  1. #1171
    Goody 2 Shoes Goddess TY precocious's Avatar
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    I liked Jerry Fallwell....
    Dr. Preco, I hold a license to practice on Uranus.

    Anyone seen my pen?

  2. #1172
    Goody 2 Shoes Goddess TY precocious's Avatar
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    The question is:
    What Do Retired People Do All Day?


    Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
    Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
    We were only in there for about 5 minutes.

    When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
    We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'





    He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a turd.

    He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
    So my wife called him a s***-head.

    He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

    Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.

    The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.


    Personally, we didn't care – we came into town by bus.

    We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
    Dr. Preco, I hold a license to practice on Uranus.

    Anyone seen my pen?

  3. #1173
    . SharonL's Avatar
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  4. #1174
    . SharonL's Avatar
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  5. #1175
    L10 Deal Goddess dbee's Avatar
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    A cabbie picks up a Nun.

    She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver
    won't
    stop staring at her.

    She asks him why he is staring.

    He replies:
    "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

    She answers,
    "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have
    been a
    nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about
    everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I
    would
    find offensive."

    "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

    She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
    to be
    single and #2, you must be Catholic."

    The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and
    Catholic!"

    "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

    The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker
    blush.

    But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

    "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

    "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm
    married and I'm
    Jewish."

    The nun says, "That's OK.
    My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

    HAPPY HALLOWEEN !!!

  6. #1176
    Goody 2 Shoes Goddess TY precocious's Avatar
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    A very tired nurse walks into a bank,
    totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
    Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries
    to write with it.
    When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says:

    'Well, that's great... that's just great...
    Some a**hole's got my pen
    Dr. Preco, I hold a license to practice on Uranus.

    Anyone seen my pen?

  7. #1177
    Goody 2 Shoes Goddess TY precocious's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SharonL View Post
    :sus:I don't believe the message is a bad one.....I'd rather have people use a condom for prevention than use abortion as birth control.....I think she may be on the right track there....:convinced:


    ;)

    P.S. The comedy Central was hilarious.....LOL
    Dr. Preco, I hold a license to practice on Uranus.

    Anyone seen my pen?

  8. #1178
    L11 Spoofee Addict DanC's Avatar
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    There really aren't jokes, they're way too true.

    'If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.'-- Mark Twain


    Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.... But, then I repeat myself.-- Mark Twain


    I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. --Winston Churchill


    A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. - George Bernard Shaw



    Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)



    Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University


    Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian



    Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -Frederic Bastiat, Economist (1801-1850)


    Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -Ronald Reagan ( 1986)


    I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. Will Rogers



    If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! P.J. O'Rourke



    In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -Voltaire (1764)


    Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! -Pericles (430 B.C.)


    No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -Mark Twain (1866)


    Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. -Unknown



    The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. -Mark Twain



    There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress. -Mark Twain



    What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)



    A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. -Thomas Jefferson
    That which does not kill me has made a tactical error.
    Who is John Galt? Obama's worst nightmare.

  9. #1179
    . druvans's Avatar
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    >>In the face of ignorance, even the gods are helpless.

    Is that an example of oxymoron ?

  10. #1180
    L11 Spoofee Addict DanC's Avatar
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    It's a saying of a friend of mine, he picked it up from one of his college profs.

    I never thought of it as an oxymoron, just as a truism for those of us who have to deal with people who are ignorant and are happy being so.

    By the way, that was NOT a political statement.
    That which does not kill me has made a tactical error.
    Who is John Galt? Obama's worst nightmare.

  11. #1181
    . druvans's Avatar
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    I was thinking more like - if you believe in god - then God created ignorant people for a reason - then why would s/he help them - isn't it contradictory.

    I wasn't looking from political point of view - just from a logical pow

  12. #1182
    L5 Interested Member Froggypond's Avatar
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    OMG! A joke thread! How did I miss this? I love jokes and am going to post a bunch LOL!

  13. #1183
    L5 Interested Member Froggypond's Avatar
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    Man with a wodden leg

    A bald man with a wooden leg is invited to a Halloween
    party.He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his
    head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his
    problem.

    A few days later, he received a parcel with the following
    note: Dear Sir,

    Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted
    handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden
    leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

    Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

    The man thinks this is terrible because they have
    emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of
    complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and
    a note, which says:

    Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long
    robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head,
    you will really look the part.

    Very truly yours,
    Acme Costume Co.

    Now the man is really upset since they have gone from
    emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so
    again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.The next day he
    gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

    Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a
    bag of crushed nuts.
    Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts,
    stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel
    apple.

  14. #1184
    L5 Interested Member Froggypond's Avatar
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    When i'm 100, if i lean a little, let me!!

    The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the
    activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't
    speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to
    communicate.

    After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
    right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and
    stuffed pillows on her right.

    A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
    family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

    Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed
    her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

    A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma,
    you're looking good! How are they treating you?'

    Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
    nephew......

    'Bastards won't let me fart.'

  15. #1185
    L5 Interested Member Froggypond's Avatar
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    The Tie

    A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
    Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

    Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a
    little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

    The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

    The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
    They are only $5.'

    The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need
    water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!'

    'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not
    want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am
    bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for
    about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the
    ice cold water you need. Shalom.'

    Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

    Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

    'Your frickin' brother won't let me in without a tie!'

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