A little heartbroken

[MrsK2002]

Hi guys.Well I am a little heart broken this morning.I have been like this for a couple of days now.I am actually sick to my stomach,yet extremely mad at the same time.
You see,I am the mom to 3 grown daughters.My oldest daughter is 23,my middle daughter is 21,and then there is my 20 year old.My middle daughter just recently moved in with my husband and me.I have always told the girls even when they become older and the time comes when they leave home to live on their own,no matter where I am living,they can always come back home.
My daughter and I just recently received some horrible news.I am the grandma of an almost two year old granddaughter named Madison.She is a beautiful little carrot top.My oldest daughter's better half left her when he found out she was pregnant.But my daughter kept the pregnancy and the result is Maddy.That little girl is supposed to be her mama's world,right?
Here is the sad part.Forgive me when I tell you this,as I am terribly embarrassed about this.My daughter,even though she is 23,is terribly lazy.She lives with my ex husband's mom and step-dad.She doesn't want to work to provide her daughter the things a baby needs.Great grandma buys Maddy the things she needs.
BUT...here is what has made me so heartbroken.My daughter has decided that she would rather go out partying and drinking every night than to take care of Maddy's needs.Am I wrong for saying this or is my daughter being irresponsible and selfish?For godsake she is a mama.How on earth can my grandbaby be taken care of if mama is three sheets to the wind?Is that how accidents with small children happen?I am sitting here with tears in my eyes thinking about this.Sorry.
My ex's mom,well can't hardly take care of Maddy for obvious reasons.The reasons being that she has some major health issues herself.Her husband has some major heart problems and could die.Plus,my daughter's great-great grandmother has Alzheimer's and could die at anytime.My ex MIL takes care of her mom on a daily basis.
My granddaughter is the one whose needs come first.And their not.They let her jump from the living room coffee table to the sofa and back,and just sit back and laugh at Maddy.Ok,one wrong move and Maddy fall and hit her head,and she could die.
My childrens biological father is a total joke.He is a registered sex offender and drug addict.Protective Services has been to my daughter's house because someone called them.For whatever reason being,it didn't involve my children's father....god hope not.
But I am worried that PS will remove Maddy from my oldest daughter.The only relative that I would hope Maddy could live with is me and my daughter.I hope and pray to god that Maddy wouldn't be released to her messed up granddad.My daughter and I would go to Michigan and fight for her.
Thanks for letting me vent this morning.I still have a big knot in my stomach thinking about this.:worry:

 

[LiveSquid]

Wow.

I dont like to talk about anyone elses family (I can call my mom a b!tch, but no one else better do it) but yes I agree that Maddy's mom is being selfish and irrational and all the things you said..

My brother is the same way. He has an eight year old son, my nephew. He is the greatest kid in the world. He just got his black belt in Tae Kwon Do, he plays little league, he does very well in school, goes to after school learning workshops to keep him ahead of the curve, etc. But my brother would rather party, etc. He even said, "No one is going to tell me what I can do or when I can do it." referring partially to his son. He isnt willing to change his lifestyle for his own son?! My nephew lives with my parents, and they have been the legal guardians of my nephew for seven years.

I truly dont know how some people can just not give a rats ass. Thats not fair. Im sure they love their children, but OMG! I mean, I cant stand to be away from my DOGS for a week. I dont know how they can stand to be away from their children for so long. Is your daughter involved in drugs or drinking excessively? My brother was mixed up in all that stuff and I think thats why he just didnt care. HE needed the drugs more than he needed his son. Effing pathetic and sad.

Anyway, I hope things get better.. Do you think that if you all stopped enabling her it would change? If no one took care of Maddy and it was all left up to the mom, would she step up or would she just neglect her daughter?

Sorry to hear about your stress. We're here when you need us, MrsK. :kiss: :60:

 

[MrsK2002]

Squid,I honestly don't know if drugs are involved or not.But what I do know is,my daughter has become a heavy drinker.She would rather pass up staying home with an adorable little carrot top and watch "Finding Nemo" over and over again,and instead go out partying with a bunch of party animals who don't have any children.
Its such a shame that she is irresponsible.My granddaughter is supposed to be number one before anyone else or anything...but she has become number two.
Squid you asked me what would happen if we all enabled her?You see I live in Florida and she lives up in Michigan with her grandparents.I don't enable her.Her grandparents do.They just don't give a rats ass,either.They let her do what she pleases.But IMO...thats not very fair to poor Maddy.Maddy needs a mama who is clear headed and sensible to raise her,and love her.She needs a mama who hasn't been drinking every other night.
Thank you Squid.:60: :60:

 

[clubchick]

I was pregnant at 17 and a single mom barely after my 18th bday. I went to school 3 days/week and worked 3 days/week, living with my parents. I remember feeling trapped, not sure of who I was or if I would ever get to be "me" again.

When I was 21, I started going out dancing, once a week. I'd have 2 or 3 drinks between 8pm and midnight, then go home... my nickname was cinderella cuz i had my 12 o'clock curfew. it was self-imposed, though.

at any rate, i feel for your daughter, in that there's a hopelessness involved in being young and a single parent. however, i surrounded myself with people who built me up and encouraged me- helped me to be the best i could be. honestly, though, i feel like i'm "me" again as of this past week. my kids all wonder who i am, but hubby knows it's the girl he met, who could be silly and funny when she wasn't being "mom". i'm still responsible, but i can laugh more and don't take things so seriously or personally. i'm ashamed that i missed out on a lot by being a stressed out mother, thinking i could only be "fun" when i wasn't being mom. your daughter is probably thinking the same thing.

your daughter needs you. you can't sugarcoat things, nor can you enable her. if you have the chance to get maddy over to you, do it. let your daughter know she's welcome in your home as long as she is doing something to better her life and her daughter's (work, school, etc.)... i knew my daughter and i could live with my parents as long as i was getting C's or better in school and earning my degree. by not allowing me to slack off, my parents gave me what is now a phenomenal life!

you are being a great mother and grandmother. your heart is broken for the right reasons. believe me, your spoofee friends are heartbroken with you. but keep your chin up. as long as you're doing all you can to help the situation, you won't look back with regret.


EDIT- i want to point out that i'm 33, and 1/2 my life has been spent stressing and being "mom". she wants to do things that kids her age get to do. there's nothing wrong with that. she just needs to be reminded that there's a carrot top who needs her more than her friends do.

 

[Ragnarok]

MrsK,
Two things really get up my nose....mistreatment of children, thus my area of practice, and, the mistreatment of animals, thus my constant crusade for the same. I read with heartfelt empathy your tale of a Grandmom's woe and felt sicken for you and, all involved. Have you considered legal action? There are many states that have "Grandparent Right's" in place and you may want to seek out counsel regarding the same. Perhaps you can go to "Legal Aid" in your area, and, remember MOST lawyers will give an hour's consulation for FREE. Knowledge of the same may give you some peace.

Another way to go, is to approach your daughter in RATIONAL tones, when you are less stressed and upset. Point out the "benefits" of Maddy coming to stay with you "for a while".....set a time limit, maybe a month, or two. Good old Florida sunshine, one on one attention, an opportunity for her to see the other side of the family, time for their family to regroup and heal, and, more time for your daughter. How your daughter will use that time is of course her personal choice. Always remember Mrs. K., no battle with a child is ever won by a full frontal attack! Don't attack your daughter, and, her behavior. She KNOWS at 23 what she is doing, and, that she can get away with it. SHE IS NOT the major dilema at present, the grandbaby is!!!! As such, switch gears, and, do what you can to get the baby down to Florida for a while at least.

As I tell my patients, children are really easy to rear until about age eighteen. Then, the real battle begins with the onset of adulthood. It is then that we parents loose our "sense of control" and have to switch gears on how we approach our now "child-young adult" offspring! No matter the age, no matter the circumstance, consistancy, communication, compromise tend to work with most folks. Sadly, despite the best parenting, people are still accountable for their actions, and, their reactions. We can "hope" for our children, but, they learn to dream and achieve on their own, taking the foundation, building blocks, and, values that we as parents have shared along the way.

Try hard not to beat yourself up. Hard to do I know, I am a Mother of a 25 year old son who has not been making the most keen or rational choices for the past few years. I know what sleepless nights are, I know what it is like to pray the same prayer over and over again, and, I also know that his life is his pilgrimage alone. Sometimes MrsK. our children will elect to walk alone for a long time. Just keep reinforcing your role as a Grandmother,that you are there to help and not judge (yeah, bite your tongue until it bleeds if you have to!), and, switch your gears to thinking about influencing your grandbaby's life at this stage of the game. Protective Services will indeed come in, evaluate the family situation, and, make drastic changes if warrented. They can also hold your daughter accountable for programs, educational and psychological.

For a long while now, due to my own scheduling, hectic life style, and, a sundry of other reasons known only to myself and circle, I have not been a posting fool here on Spoofee. It does not mean however, that I have stopped caring for the Spoofee folks and their needs or designs. This topic just melted my heart and I just wanted to stop by, share my thoughts, and let you know that you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you all the best, and, hope that resolution to this conflict will be expediant and for the benefit of Maddy. Remember too, that if you wreck your own health, you will be sorely pressed to help the baby! Take time for you, take a brief walk, meditate, drink tea, shop, read, whatever accords you the benefit of some stress free time. You will then be stronger to deal with the situation at hand.

My warmest wishes to you MrsK,
Rags and Jeb Stuart :kiss: :flowers: :hug:

 

[WENEEDLIGHT]

Awwwww :hug: