elderly relatives

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clubchick

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has anyone else here dealt with older relatives and dementia? todd's grandmother has gotten really bad. she says things without thinking... for example, my daughter ashley's friend is not just her best friend, but her "little black girl friend"... or my best friend megan's son isn't just her son but her "retarded boy" (for the record, one of her children, todd's aunt, is retarded)... or telling my parents about how she's upset with my brother-in-law's wife (todd's family drama, nothing at all related to my side of the family)... and on and on... she's no longer welcome at my sister-in-law's family gatherings because of her mouth, and i'm starting to feel that way too. now, she's gotten so over-protective of my son samuel that it's gotten out of hand. she actually yelled at todd yesterday for disciplining sam when he was pulling emma's hair!!! she was going to dress sam, but got upset when ashley brought her a size 4 tshirt for him, when he's supposed to wear a 2T or 3T... etc...

anyway, i'm at my wit's end with her. todd doesn't want me to talk to her because she'll hold a grudge and obviously her mind and health are failing (she's 79 i think). he's afraid she'll withdraw and end up dying of loneliness or something. but he doesn't want her to babysit anymore, for fear that she'll completely lose it when the kids are there. i don't think we should write off older people, but i'm so ... i guess i'm really just angry with her... and i don't want me or my kids around her.

anybody else had to deal with something like this? mostly i just needed to unload. thanks.
 
todd's grandmother, you mean precocious! LOL

Sorry I could not resist... :60:
 
Wow! I'm so sorry. My grandma was sharp as a tack until she passed, but two of her sisters had alzheimers. One would get "lost" in the town they lived in and my grandma would have to go retrieve her. The other would forget to turn off the stove, forget to eat, etc. Is she the only sitter you have for your kids? I agree writing them off is wrong, but I know it's tough when you have no clue what will come out of their mouths! Is she "outspoken" everywhere?or just in social settings?
Try to remember the good- and good luck! that's all I can really tell you!
 
she's outspoken everywhere- she's always been a chatterbox, but lately it's gotten out of control. it's been a steady decline, but yesterday was absolutely unbearable.

todd's whole family is in turmoil over her and we found out that his brother is upset (probably jealous, imo) because todd and i and our kids occupy "all" of grandma and grandpa's free time, using up babysitting, etc.. and all grandma does is talk about sam. we don't often ask for babysitting- they offer it, then tell everyone how we couldn't "make it" without them. right now they are our sole source of childcare, but now that i'm starting to make some money, we'll be able to afford some other situation.

i didn't mention that she is married to todd's step-grandfather, who is more of a grandpa than his bio one was. at any rate, he's still mentally intact, but he seems terribly depressed. i've seen her be flat out mean to him- she yells at him not to discipline sam and if sam fusses, she tells grandpa to pick him up or take him for a walk, etc... i feel like i should go to him and talk about it, but i'm afraid i'll upset him too. i don't know if he could handle it. what i'd really like to do is talk to her doctor. is that dishonest or wrong to go behind her back to talk to her doctor? because i wonder if there's something he can do for her.
 
I'm sorry - it must be devastating on many levels, especially for your husband and his sister.

When my grandmother's Alzheimer's really started to progress, she would get really paranoid; perhaps something similar is happening with your MIL? For example, my grandmother would accuse my grandfather of doing things like hiding her purse. At least once she ran out into the street in the middle of the night screaming that he was trying to hurt her. It was just the disease talking, but awful nonetheless.

If new medications can't be tried with your MIL, it could be time for an assisted living facility that specializes in dementia patients.
 
It is important that the next time she goes to the Dr. that someone tells him of her episodes. A doctor is best to diagnos

Many older folks get real cranky because they are in PAIN or UNCOMFORTABLE. Perhaps something is medically wrong.

Or it could be the onset of Alz. or Dimentia

Be patient and just explain to your children that grandma loves them but sometimes gets a little cranky or confused.

What if this was your mother or Todd's mom.....

Good Luck!!
 
My Grandfather has alzheimers and parkinsons and is currently in the hospital. When he was still at home he would wake my grandmother up asking to go home. He would try to urinate in the bedroom. He didn't recognize the house he was in even though they lived there for about 5 years now. He doesn't recognize my aunt who he has lived with him for 25 years. Now he's starting to not recognize my Grandmother. He tries to pull out all the IV units that are attached to him, so now they have to clamp his arms to the bed. He now has several other serious diseases including pneumonia.

My mother tells me how she feels so guilty because she sometimes wishes he would just.. let go.. so he can be at peace because he is suffering so much. But my Grandmother doesn't want to let him go. She wants to keep him alive as much as possible, even though its not a whole life.

I guess its not the same situation as you Clubby, but I can understand that something like this effects your entire family. Its a really difficult situation.
 
That sounds like a really tough situation to be in Clubchick! I feel for you.

However, be grateful that it sounds like she still has her hearing. My mom (who is 76) is starting to be a little tactless/thoughtless in what she says too. Added is that she is hard of hearing so whatever she says is said LOUDLY! It can get embarrassing...
 
Specialist...

I am a Dementia specialist with my company. I manage the programming for our cottage(Dementia/Alzheimer's unit). There is a great book called the 36 hour day that gives great ideas and insight. Make sure to work with the Dr. to rule out Urinary track infections, thyroid imbalance, etc. that would cause reversable dementia. Then you can know what you are dealing with.

I work in Ft. Wayne, IN.. where are you? Maybe I can give some referrals???

Colleen
 
dawnkatt said:
I am a Dementia specialist with my company. I manage the programming for our cottage(Dementia/Alzheimer's unit). There is a great book called the 36 hour day that gives great ideas and insight. Make sure to work with the Dr. to rule out Urinary track infections, thyroid imbalance, etc. that would cause reversable dementia. Then you can know what you are dealing with.

I work in Ft. Wayne, IN.. where are you? Maybe I can give some referrals???

Colleen
Click to expand...

thank you colleen. i know she's had problems w/ her kidneys and is supposed to be watching her diet right now. i'll look up that book. also, we're in the fresno, california area. i know she has medicare and blue cross or blue shield (not sure which one). her doc is down in visalia, but i don't know who it is. he's a GP, not a specialist. any more info you have, i'd sure appreciate!
 
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